Anyway, I was obviously cast as Danny because I had the best look and the most talent. I mean, it really doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you put your hottest star in the leading role. That’s Theatre 101 right thurr. (Not to be confused with Theatre 102, which teaches you how to stand up in front of a classroom and inform your peers that they should really come out for the show because it’s supposed to be amaaaaaaaaaaazing, even though it probably sucks).
However, despite my excitement for the role, the show never made it to the stage. As you can imagine, there was great disappointment all throughout Newton Corner. We told our supporters that there were significant financial limitations and that we didn’t think we would be able to do the play justice. But ultimately, I think the show failed for two reasons: obviously it’s difficult to get things done when you’re 10-years old. But mostly, I think it was because Sega Dreamcast came out like a week after we had the idea and we just forgot about it entirely. As a result, I never got to be Danny Zuko. I never got to grease up my hair and wear a leather jacket and put a cigarette in my ear. All things that I was really looking forward to.
But last week, in a full-circle-kind-of-way, going from my elementary school graduation to my college one, I finally had this opportunity again. Dance Through the Decades. Club Royale. BC Oh Eleven. And man, I looked good:
(Best shampoo of my life the next morning.)
Over the next few days, I did the whole Senior Week and Graduation thing. I cried twice, but it's cool because I look good when I cry, and looking good crying is the new looking good partying. But when we got together for our first Albermarle All-Star game, things just felt kinda different. Times are changing, huh? People are straight up leaving Newton these days. Just packing their bags and bouncing, probably never to be seen or heard from again. Personally, I’m kinda offended. Like, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. After all I’ve done for you, you’re just gonna get up and go? Fine. But you should know that I poured my heart and soul into these blogs for your benefit. Not mine, yours. I made you all pseudo-celebrities. I gave you the Albie Awards. And now most of you are moving across the country or living at school for the summer. Thanks for nothing.
To be honest, though, I knew we were fucked the minute I found out that Quinn got a girlfriend. That shit caught me off guard. Like, we’re talking about Dave here, right? Not that he’s incapable of landing someone. Far from it. Dave is a beautiful man and I’ll be the first to admit it. But let’s not kid ourselves either; his love-life could almost qualify as the 8th Wonder of the World. Dude keeps it locked up. Like, I try to think that I’m relatively mysterious when it comes to this stuff, but Dave takes it to a whole new level. So when I saw on Facebook that he was “In a relationship,” it really hit me. Like, no more messing around. Life’s about to get serious. Kinda reminded me of LeBron when he finally beat the Celtics. Just saw the guy transforming into a man before my own eyes. Did I want it to happen? Of course not. Did I know it was inevitable? Yeah. But it still doesn't sink in until it's finally happening.
Fortunately, though, not all my realizations over the past few weeks have been negative. For instance, you all know how girls be crazy, right? How they often act in ways that are the exact opposite of how they’re feeling? Well, how’s this for a hypothetical situation: There’s this girl who has a major crush on this boy. At the beginning of the year, they are pretty good friends, but they aren’t really THAT close. So instead of the girl just being honest and direct with this boy, she instead decides to start hooking up with his best friend. That way, she always has an excuse to talk to the boy she really likes. They have this natural ice-breaker. They can start hanging out with each other at the bar. They can start texting each other. And on New Year’s Eve, she can bombard him with questions about the situation, consequently making him completely sober when he just spent the last 5 hours trying to get to the right level of drunkenness. Hypothetically speaking, of course. But still, you get the idea? #girlsbecrazy
Anyway, I can’t believe it took me 8 months to figure this out, but this exact situation has been happening to me all year! Bananas, no? And to be completely honest, I’m a little unsure of what my next move should be. Like, I’m down, I guess. But where do my loyalties lie? Whatever. I’ve put all my cards on the table. Your move, Mannix.
P.S. – I know there are probably other more pressing issues in the world, but we really need to establish some sort of universal understanding for the following phrase: “Oh, well, you should just sleep here. Our couch is really comfortable.” Seriously, this is the most ambiguous shit of all time. And it’s been throwing me for a loop lately. Is she saying this because she wants to save face if I’m not interested? Or is she saying this because she has no interest in me and the couch is actually where I’d be sleeping? It’s anybody’s guess! Like, when someone asks if you want to come over to watch a movie, then you’re good to go. He knows it. She knows it. There’s no gray area. Or if someone starts telling you about the time they were backpacking across Western Europe, it’s a done deal! But when they tell you the couch is really comfortable, what does that really mean? Please, can one of you girls just let me know?
Double P.S. - I’m naming my first daughter Saturn. I thought of it first. It’s mine. Nobody’s allowed to steal it. And don’t worry Susan, I’m getting you the Volvo SUV so let’s just call it even.
