2012 Albie Awards

Jordan Crawford Irrational Confidence Award

Tom Hennessy

Mitch Lurie

Charlie O’Connell

Analysis: Even though he hates the Albies more than closed-toed shoes, that didn’t stop Tom from being nominated for a couple two tree awards this year. And there was never a doubt he’d be winning this award over Mitch and Charlie. At least they make an effort to spread their feet apart before chucking up an ill-advised shot. Tom doesn’t even bother. Tommy Chuckin’!

Paul Pierce “Stop Trying to Grow Facial Hair” Award

Jamie Dyer

Mike Salvucci

Dave Quinn

Analysis: Probably not the right category for someone they used to call Mustache Mike back in college, but I’m not a complainer so I’ll leave it at that. Jamie narrowly edges me out for this one.

Avery Bradley Best Defense Award

Zach Trubow

Joe Farina

Brendan Vaughan

Analysis:The first openly gluten-free player in the history of Albermarle All-Stars, Zack has been sidelined the past 6 months with a knee injury that I get twice a week. But the injury came late enough in the year for Zack to make a lasting impression as the best defensive player in the league. Unfortunately, he still has no answer for Mel when she says, “Come on Zack, you’re gonna take a nap while I read my Kindle. Let’s go.”

MarShon Brooks Worst Defense Award

Charlie O’Connell

Calvin Cestari

Michael Petrie

Analysis: Don’t feel bad guys. I developed a dominant post game last year that basically made me unguardable. Also I think my ass doubled in size in the past 12 months, so there’s really nothing you can do once I start backing you down. But there might be some hope for you. I was originally thinking quad-reduction once I got my CPA bonus, but ass reduction might be the way to go.

Ricky Rubio Best Passing Award

Mike Salvucci

Joe Farina

Jesse Simmons

Analysis: Passing is the new scoring, so it makes sense that I won this category.

Brook Lopez Worst Passing Award

Mitch Lurie

Charlie O’Connell

Tom Hennessy

Analysis: Considering Mitch broke up with his girlfriend more frequently in 2012 than he passed a basketball, its hard to argue with this award. Tom probably could have given him a run for his money, but there’s no evidence that Tom actually knows HOW to pass a basketball. So it wouldn’t exactly be fair to give him that award. It’d be like giving Jill the award for Worst at Turning on the Television.

Nikola Vucevic Best Rebounding Award

Brendan Vaughan

Dave Robb

Willie Barnes

Analysis: Little surprised by this one, to be honest. We’re talking about rebounding basketballs, right? Obviously if we’re talking about Mai Tai’s falling out of the sky, Dave Robb grabs every single one of them. But basketballs? Willie’s basically a white Dejuan Blair and Brenny has 8 inches on everyone. Upset city.

Larry Sanders Most Improved Award

Brendan Vaughan

Mike Salvucci

Dave Robb

Analysis: Well at least he’s consistent.

Deron Williams Least Improved Award

Mitch Lurie

Dave Quinn

Zach Trubow

Analysis: Weird award. Not really sure what it means. Pretty certain somebody just wanted to make fun of Deron Williams on this one. Although I think the more appropriate award should have gone to Tom for “Haircut Most Resembling Deron Williams.” I tried to help Tom out by giving him my patented Euro-cut, but it didn’t even last 48 hours before he buzzed it off.

Steve Nash Looks Best Doin’ It Award

Dave Quinn

Zach Trubow

Brady Newman

Analysis: There’s nothing that revs Quinn’s engine like winning this award, with the possible exception of a topical Halloween costume that makes him the life of the party. That’s quintessential Dave right there.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Best “Go-To” Move Award

Joey’s crossover/pull-up

Quinn’s baseline bank shot

Jamie’s 15-footer

Jamal Crawford Instant Offense Award

Charlie O’Connell

Tom Hennessy

Jamie Dyer

Analysis: Like what do you want me to say, Jamie makes buckets.

Doc Rivers Least Successful “Go-To” Move Award

Trubow’s finger roll

Tom’s turnaround fall-away

Brenny’s turnaround hook

Analysis. Not touching this one. Trubow’s finger roll? There’s only one road you can take here and I’m not doing it. I’ve learned the hard way on these. See McKnight, L., cerca 2011.

Dwight Howard Franchise-Killer Award

Charlie O’Connell

Mitch Lurie

Sam Hyatt

Analysis: They’re all franchise killers in different ways.

Mitch, for example, continues to kill teams by convincing his teammates that they contribute more than they actually do, thereby removing the attention from his 2-14 on 3-pointers statline. He’ll take 95% of your team’s shots and then look you dead in the eye and say “Great game, you were hitting a bunch of those baseline shots.” In reality, you only took one shot and it was a missed layup, but Mitch never lets the truth get in the way of that. He’s a team player! And you’re literally just so confused by the whole situation that you have no choice but to keep feeding Mitch the ball. It’s such an evil and manipulative strategy, but I kinda respect it.

Sam is just a textbook franchise killer. If you had to create the blueprint for someone who destroys team chemistry, Sam Hyatt would be it. Bombing 35-foot three-pointers one minute and hitting on his teammate’s girlfriend the next. Can’t trust his type.  

And then Charlie, of course, is such a dominant personality that’s it hard for anyone else to have a voice. Just a divided locker-room between Charlie and everyone else.  

P.S. The funny thing about Hyatt hitting on Farina’s girlfriend is that Sam thought he was being a good guy by not hitting on Ally for one night. Like, yeah that’s Joey’s cousin. I’ll take a night off. But helloooooo you.

Dirk Nowitzki Best Unorthodox Shot Award

Sal’s scoop shot

Mitch’s push shot

Jesse’s runner

Analysis: Did anyone else ever wear Under Armour spandex to middle school dances to help prevent any embarrassing situations? Or is that a Mike Salvucci special? I almost did that for Teo’s middle-school themed party, just for old time’s sake, but then I changed my mind at the last second. That’s why I’m so good at the scoop shot. Great at making last-minute decisions. You’re about to get blocked, and it’s just like whoooooooop, under-hand scoop shot. Works every time. .   

Big Baby Grounded Award

Mitch Lurie

Mike Salvucci

Brendan Vaughan

Analysis: In Brenny’s defense, even if he could jump, it’s not like Brooke would let him stay up there very long. So what’s the guy supposed to do, really?  His hands are tied.

Kevin Garnett Best Midrange Award

Jamie Dyer

Brady Newman

Charlie O’Connell

Analysis: You know what’s depressing? That this award is considered “one of the big ones.” Like imagine if we had “Best Dunker” or “Alley-Hoop of the Year”? Those would be cool. But no, best midrange is all we can manage. I guess it could be worse, though. Sadly, we’re not too far away from “Best Big Man with a Hip-Replacement,” or the “Gets Beat by his Child Award.” And I wasn’t thinking this when I first wrote it, but these are so obviously Dave Robb and Calvin, respectively.   

Kobe Bryant Passion Award

Willie Barnes

Michael Kirschner

Mike Petrie

Analysis: Ben Dyer voted for Petrie and wrote on his ballot, “with white women?” First of all, who gave Ben Dyer a ballot? And second of all, if this really was the Kobe Bryant Passion for White Women Award (still works, conveniently), who would win? Probably Kirschner, right? I mean every girl immediately melts when Kirsch gives them the across-the-bar-stare. But you still never see him go after anything darker than an English muffin.

Paul Pierce Somehow Gets It Done Award

Sam Hyatt

Mike Salvucci

Michael Kirschner

Analysis: What a category. Dynamite nominees. None of us blessed with the greatest natural ability. But all of us are guys you sometimes want on your team. Kirsch was probably the leader in the clubhouse due to his general bull-in-a-China-shop nature. But Hyatt went after him like a cultural Jew trying to get on birthright. Just classic Hyatt. Always finding a way to get it done.     

JR Smith Most Likely to Have a Bastard Child Award

Calvin Cestari

Analysis: The only category with one nominee. The committee who created the ballot thought it would be misleading for someone to actually challenge Calvin on this. That’s how much of a stranglehold he had on this category. But hey, you did go to the Olive Garden at 10 am on New Years Day. So even with this award I feel like you come out on top for the year.

Kwame Brown Worst Hands Award

Brian Robb

Michael Kirschner

Brendan Vaughan

Analysis: Disappointed that B-Robb couldn’t join us to grab his award. But I guess that would violate the rule that two Robb brothers must be at Golden Temple at all times. We all know how difficult it was for Dave to get away for one night. Question, though. If the Celtics are setting fire to all the construction sites in Boston, which brother gets to be there?

MVP A-Gourd

Farina

Analysis. Congrats Joe. The 3rd MVP A-Gourd in the history of the Albermarle All-Stars. You couldn’t beat Mitch or Quinn when it really mattered, and you really only won because of the newly implemented “no-repeat” rules. And the sad thing for you is that 25 years from now, nobody’s even going to remember it. It’s like I always say, trying to remember who won the third MVP A-Gourd is like trying to remember your third set of boobs. Obviously you remember Kate Winslet and Apolonia, but after that they all sort of blend together.  

P.S. I’m almost embarrassed to admit how much time I’ve spent extending the Kate Winslet/Apolonia analogy to Mitch and Quinn. Just making comparisons in my head trying to figure out which is which. I guess gun to my head Mitch is Apolonia, but I could easily see myself changing my mind in the morning.

Boston Bolts - Reach the Beach Relay 2012

Albermarle All-Stars trying to catch a bat goes pretty much how you'd expect it would

To steal a phrase from Bill Simmons, has Kirschner entered the Tyson Zone? Seriously, is there anything he could do that would still surprise you? I mean, in this situation you got a bat flying in circles around the apartment, Hyatt being the single-most unhelpful person in the history of people trying to help each other, and Trubow doing some weird Nigel Thornberry impression. Total chaos everywhere. So what does Kirsch do? Just starts whipping a bag in a million directions until the bat flies into it. No big. Carry on people, nothing to see here.

On the flip side, though, talk about a tough day to be a bat. Can't even watch Michael Phelps in the 200-meter fly without someone throwing a bag over you and tossing it out the window. Kinda ruined a sneaky huge month for bats.

Also, I am completely dreading the day when I'm a husband/father and am expected to deal with this kinda stuff when it happens in our house. Just so not my scene.

P.S. No chance this bat goes through all this trouble to watch Lochte. Bats see right through guys like him.

Trying to slow-play being the coolest kid at Babson immediately made me the coolest kid at Babson

You know what’s really frustrating? When we meet BC people out at bars and they never seem to have any idea who I am. Case and point, Hyatt’s new Joshua Tree girlfriend who claimed she had never even seen me before. And that’s just the most recent example. This happens to me all the time. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Like, I’m pretty much living a double life. Celebrated media mogul by day. Anonymous Boston College alumnus by night. I’m basically Batman.

Seriously though, with the exception of Angie and her gluten-free blog, I’m probably the biggest internet tycoon in Newton. Just running the best inside-joke website in America and posting the best videos on Youtube. But outside of the All-Stars, what do I have to show for it? Pretty much nothing. Nick texts me every night before he goes to bed. And Josh and I still hang out on occasion. But that’s about it. I haven't seen my roommates in months. Victoria moved to Pawnee. Bo works 800 hours a day. I try to talk to J-rod whenever he's not on the prowl, but pussy never sleeps so that's easier said than done.

I mean I guess I have nobody to blame but myself. It’s cause I played my cards wrong when I first transferred to BC. Basically just walked around campus with so much swag that everyone got scared. Literally not one person could muster the strength to talk to me. I came on way too strong. They saw a big personality and they wanted nothing to do with it. Guys were threatened by me. And girls knew they would just end up fighting with their roommates over me, so they avoided me all together.

Well, as the “new guy” in my Babson program, I promised myself I wouldn’t let this happen again. 24 out of the 27 students in my program just graduated together in May. They’re basically all best friends. So as soon as I had to stand up in front of the class and be like, “Hey, I’m Mike. I went to BC for undergrad. I’m originally from Newton, blah, blah, blah,” I knew this was going to be somewhat difficult.

So I just tried to be as unassuming as possible. Wore plain t-shirts to class every day. Didn’t raise my hand even when I knew the answer. And when my Business Writing professor asked me if I had any writing experience, it took every ounce of self-restraint I had just to say “I wrote for the school newspaper back in high school, but that’s about it.”  

Well now this plan seems to be backfiring because I’m sneaky the most popular kid in class. People just trying to get a taste of this mystery man. Asking me to join Wednesday-night soccer leagues. Begging me to play basketball with them after class. I even got invited to my first Babson party last week (obviously I said I was busy even though I wasn’t). 

It's only been three weeks, but my stock has never been higher. The more things I turn down, the more things I get invited to. Eventually I'm gonna have to stop slow-playing this and just start dominating. Like, it’s probably too soon to start saying good-bye to all my Newton friends, but at the same time it might even be too late. Beaver for life!

P.S. Is anyone else’s mom going to Antique’s Roadshow tomorrow? My mom is and she is literally losing her shit right now with excitement. Never seen anything like it.    

Highlights from All-Star Weekend

One Week til All-Star Weekend

Part II of the Popular Ongoing Series: "European adventures with Michael Kirschner and his subsequent roast"

Matching your scarf to random buildings is the new hotness.

Editor's Note: This seemed to be a big hit last time, so I asked Kirsch if he would write another one. He was like, "Two weeks with Hyatt? The thing will practically write itself." I'm sure it did, but thanks again Mike. We miss ya buddy.  

By Michael Kirschner

For those of you who haven’t been following the hourly play-by-play travel commentary that is Hyatt’s Facebook, we first met up in Sofia, Bulgaria a few weeks ago.  I caught a cab from the airport and headed to the hostel where Sam was at.  After not seeing anyone from Newton since the two-week European bender of a Eurotrip with Robb and Sal, this was somewhat of a big deal for me - The three months prior to this I was in England surrounded by girls who make North ’07 chicks look like a NESN sideline reporter.  I can say that because I’m fairly certain that the 2-3 girls who read Sal’s blog are the only ones that statement doesn’t apply to… Kid is such a stud.  So anyways, by agreeing to travel with Hyatt, we were essentially committing to wing for each other in cities containing some of the best-looking women in the world (Not including Sofia. Teo you’re still the youngest and most attractive Bulgarian I’ve ever seen.  That city makes my grandparents’ Florida gated community look like a college dorm).  

But it was immediately upon seeing him at the Sofia hostel that a hint of doubt and a wave of nausea hit me.  It’s about 65 degrees outside and Hyatt’s sporting an off-grey striped scarf which can only be described as an attempt to remind me of the British dudes I had been surrounded by the last few months. It was like I never left. Frilly.  Metro.  A splash of color.  Clearly he enjoys hanging out with ‘portly’ women.  Not only for the rest of the trip does he wear this thing like a noose on his dignity, he’s got at least three other scarves in reserve that make the first look acceptable.  There was one time in Sarajevo when he spent the better part of 15 minutes in front of a mirror with his neck warmers fidgeting around until I had to drag him out of the room, seconds away from actually putting one of these things to use and choking him out with it.  I’m pretty sure that sort of crime is still fair game in Bosnia.

When it came to going out, Hyatt was almost always down.  So when he told me about how he’d been doing alright for himself in Israel and Turkey, I set aside the whole scarf thing and waited to see what all the talk was about.  Now I’m not trying to pat myself on the back here, but ask Robb or Sal; when it comes to approaching girls in Europe I have few inhibitions.  My pickup line is usually something like ‘Hey you’re backpacking? / like this bar? No way! me too…that’s so funny’ and somehow it usually works.  It’s more of a spray and prey strategy.  But, when the last time a Bosnian girl saw an American was when NATO airdropped into her elementary school when she was 5, I suppose that memory somehow gets things started on the right foot.  So I would approach with the first line to a pair of girls and kick things off.  What I cannot explain is how without fail, with all the girls we met, Hyatt weaseled his way in with the hotter one.  For the life of me I simply cannot explain it.  I approach the lesser creature, he hangs on to the hot one like he’s ready to take a knee, and from what I’ve heard still might.  I approach the better looking one, and he sets some bizarre chess move pick and pulls a switcharoo.  

Sal and I had a great system when he was here. I’m a dark haired Jew, so I go with the brunette. Sal’s from Italian/Aryan decent so he takes the blond.  It was like Hyatt had completely forgotten the fact that I had just pulled us dates clean off the street for Sarajevo Salsa Night and had no courtesy whatsoever. 

What added salt to the wound was what he would pull the next day on Facebook, usually after we had left the city, never to see our friends from the previous night again.  Hyatt would take down their info the night before on his fucking iPhone, friend BOTH of them, and start chatting them up.  What this meant for me is I get the one Hyatt didn’t want friending me and messaging about whether I made the bus in the morning and how my trip was going.  Yes I made the bus don’t you think Sam would have asked you both out for coffee, a pack of smokes and a round of fried meat pies this morning if we hadn’t?  Trust me he absolutely would have.

The next thing I need to comment on is what it’s like to walk around an unfamiliar city with Hyatt.  It’s like this kid has never crossed a street before.  Like I need to hold his hand and give him the heads up when we get the walk signal.  It must have been a half dozen times he just completely missed a pedestrian light cycle.   As if the last thing on his mind while walking around a city, was actually walking around the city.  His mind must have been preoccupied with piecing together the poetic novel of a Facebook status he was getting ready to post: "Sarajevo is an incredibly amazing city, easily one of my favorites in the world. It was sad to leave, but the drive to Mostar was one of the most beautiful and scenic rides ever. For 2.5 hours we wove through a beautiful mountain range, next to a river who’s color I can only describe as emerald. Absolutely stunning ride."

We wove…? Emerald...?  I mean you’re right man.  The water was pretty sweet.  The bus did make quite a few turns.  But take a picture, toss it up and spare me the embarrassment of being associated with these honeymoon updates.  I was tempted to open his account while he was working out what scarf went best with his one and only sweatshirt and post something:  ‘Ride to Croatia was like driving through 3 hours of a chemical wasteland.  Good news is despite the fact that I’ve only been eating fried street food for the past month somehow I’ve only put on 10 pounds!"

It may sound like I’m poking fun at Hyatt’s sexuality.  The truth is, I absolutely am.   But when your cover photo is you actually sucking on a vegetable, it’s hard not to.

NBA Playoff Predictions

I guess this technically is a basketball blog.

Eastern Conference:

Round 1:

Bulls vs. Sixers: The Bulls were secretly hoping the Knicks would fall to the 8-seed, because the Sixers have the energy/athleticism/defense to give them problems. But Philly doesn’t play with enough consistency to win a playoff series. Especially going up against the most consistent team in the league. Bulls in 5.

Heat vs. Knicks: You gotta figure that the crowd at MSG is good for at least one win in the series. And you can probably assume that Carmelo (30 ppg in April) is good for another win. But that’s pretty much it. The Knicks’ offense is a mess when Tyson and Amare play together. And even though Carmelo has been awesome at the 4 lately, that’s because nobody has been able to match up with him down low. Unfortunately for the Knicks, LeBron might be the one guy in the world who can. Heat in 6.  

Pacers vs. Magic: As soon as Dwight went down, everyone immediately put the Magic on “Ewing Theory” alert. Not to play spoiler, but that’s usually not how “Ewing Theories” work. They usually come out of nowhere when you least expect it. The Pacers are well coached and have worked hard all season to earn that Number 3 seed. They’ll be ready to play. Pacers in 5.

Celtics vs. Hawks: Still can’t figure out why Doc threw in the towel on that Atlanta game last week, basically conceding home-court advantage to the 5^th seeded Hawks. It’s even more perplexing when you consider the struggles the Celtics have had in Atlanta in recent years. This season, Joe Johnson has been his usual clutch-self, and Josh Smith will get some All-NBA Third Team votes. But Jeff Teague has been erratic, Kirk Hinrich has underperformed, Al Horford is still injured, and the Celtics are playing their best basketball in 14 months. Celtics in 6.

Eastern Conference Semifinals:

Bulls vs. Celtics: Say what you want about the Bulls’ depth, but the Celtics still have 3 of the 4 best players in the series. That means something in basketball. If Luol Deng can outplay Pierce, which is a definite possibility, then this series swings back in favor of the Bulls. But everything that Pierce has been saying lately (talking about his place in Celtics' history, etc.) leads me to believe that he is going to bring his “A” game this entire post-season. Furthermore, with a banged-up Derrick Rose unable to get consistent playing time lately, Chicago’s offense has been somewhat out of synch. Rose is a superstar and loves having the weight of the world on his shoulders, for better or worse. But the Bulls run into problems sometimes when he tries to do too much. The book on Rose is to clog the lane and force him to make bad decisions. Doc probably knows this, too. And the Celts’ defense will be ready. Celtics in 6.

Heat vs. Pacers: If you check out the Pacers’ Wikipedia page, there’s a section labeled “2007-Present: Danny Granger Era.” That’s not a good sign. Indiana doesn’t have a player who can propel them to that next level. In this series, their only advantage is with Roy Hibbert at center. Listen, I love Hibbert. He does everything well and has great chemistry with Jean Ralphio. But unless he goes for like 35 points, I don’t see the Pacers even earning a victory in this series. Heat in 4.

Eastern Conference Finals:

Heat vs. Celtics: The Celtics are better than last year. Stiemsma is better than JO. Bass is better than Baby. And Avery Bradley has a chance to be an All-Star in this league. So on that alone, I would feel better about this series than I did about last year’s matchup. But what really gives the Celtics some hope, is their rebounding matchups against the Heat. The Celtics, as we all know, are the worst rebounding team in the league. While I consider it to be their only weakness, it is a significant weakness. The C’s have lost a handful of games this season due to their inability to grab a late board. But against the Heat, the Celtics seem to be more active on the glass. During those two early April victories against Miami, Boston grabbed more rebounds in both games. Rondo, in particular, rebounds incredibly well against the Heat. Boston’s most glaring weakness suddenly becomes neutralized (and in some games, a strength). I’m not saying I expect the Celtics to win this series. But for those of you who were disappointed by their 4-1 series loss to Miami last year, I promise you the Celtics would put up a better fight this time around. Heat in 7.  

Western Conference:

Round 1:

Spurs vs. Jazz: Gotta feel happy for Al Jefferson. He was decimal points away from averaging a 20-10, and somehow dragged this team through the mud and managed to earn that final playoff spot. Also, Gordon Hayward has quietly been averaging 16 ppg the last month or so, and has been their second best player. They’ll be lucky to win one game in this series, though. The Spurs are pretty much better at every position, from the coach right down to the last folding chair on the bench. Spurs in 4.

Thunder vs. Mavericks: Of all the teams in the NBA, I feel the most uncomfortable trying to assess Dallas. I don’t think they’ve tried at any point this season. I’m just waiting for the playoffs to start to see if they have any interest in competing at all. Ultimately, I think they’ll show some fight. But when Russell Westbrook steamrolls through the lane and dunks for 45^th time in the series, people are really gonna start to miss Tyson Chandler. Thunder in 5.

Lakers vs. Nuggets: The Lakers are weird. They have the best center in the league. The most offensively gifted power forward. The second greatest basketball player of all-time. And yet, I still have no doubt that this is going at least 6 games, and maybe 7. If you’ve watched any of The Association this season, you marvel at how the Nuggets are a true team. George Karl is an awesome coach. Lawson and Gallinari have blossomed into solid players and even better leaders. It’s just locker room full of team guys who work hard and really want to win. They’ll give it everything they got, but talent wins in basketball. Lakers in 6.

Grizzlies vs. Clippers: As high as I am on the Grizzlies, I may be even lower on the Clippers. This is not a team built for playoff basketball. Right now I’m not even convinced that Blake Griffin can be the third best player on a championship team, and he’s currently the second. Home-court advantage may have given them some hope, but that’s out of the question now. Grizzlies in 5.  

Western Conference Semifinals:

Spurs vs. Grizzlies: Last year the Spurs were the Number 1 seed and lost their first-round matchup to the Grizzlies. The shocking thing about that series? It wasn’t that shocking. Everyone walked away from that series saying the same thing: Memphis was the better team. This year, the Spurs add a healthy Ginobili and a revitalized version of Tony Parker that is 25% better than last year. The Grizzlies counter with a healthy Rudy Gay and a dedicated version of O.J. Mayo that is 125% better than last year. Call it a wash. Memphis dominated San Antonio last year. I can’t envision Popovich allowing that to happen again, but I still like boys from Tennessee. Grizzlies in 7.  

Thunder vs. Lakers: After working their asses off to get by Denver, the Lakers just won’t have enough to keep pace with the Thunder. OKC will be ready for them. Remember back in 2010 when the Thunder took Game 1 of their first-round matchup with the Lakers? Everyone was hoping they could pull off the upset, but the Lakers experience prevailed and they went on to win 4 of the next 5 games. The Thunder won’t let this opportunity slip away again. The starting lineups are basically even, but we know how important bench play can be. And that’s a major edge to OKC. Also, what’s the over/under on clutch 3-pointers Derek Fisher hits in this series? 8 ½? Thunder in 7.     

Western Conference Finals:

Thunder vs. Grizzlies: A rematch of the best playoff series from last season; a thrilling 7-game series that featured some of the most entertaining basketball I have ever seen. Memphis ended up losing that triple-overtime game, which proved to be the difference in the series. But this year I think the Grizz get their revenge.

Here are things that matter in playoff basketball: interior scoring and perimeter defense. Memphis has the advantage in both. Mike Conley and Tony Allen are elite defenders who have the ability to contain Westbrook and Harden.  And Rudy Gay is reaching the point in his career when he finally tells himself, “This is my sixth season as an NBA player. Nobody really respects my game. I’m arguably the most athletic guy in the league. I’m just gonna focus on defense and shut down Kevin Durant for the next two weeks and I don’t care about anything else.” That’s a potentially scary thought for the Thunder, especially when you consider how ineffective Ibaka and Perkins are offensively. I know everyone else is saying it, but that’s their fatal flaw: inside scoring. It’s difficult to win three consecutive playoff series when you rely on three perimeter players to score 75% of your points. Meanwhile, Memphis has two of the most talented big men in the league. Even when one has an off-night, they’re still really tough to defend. Grizzlies in 7.

NBA Finals: 

Heat vs. Grizzlies: This is the year. This is LeBron’s final chance. I’m honestly ready to say that if he doesn’t win a championship this season, he’s never gonna win one. Because it’s right there in front of him. It’s his for the taking. And if he doesn’t feel the urgency to grab it right now, I don’t think he ever will. The Bulls are gonna keep getting better. The Thunder are gonna keep getting better. There’s even been rumors that Pat Riley would break up the team if the Heat didn’t win this year. It’s now or never.   

As for a matchup with Memphis, I would still worry about the Grizzlies suffering from an inferiority complex. Like, I think they would question if they really belonged in the NBA Finals playing against LeBron James and the Miami Heat. That’s why I’m hoping the Thunder pull it out. Because you know Durant would just take the ball and drop 40 every night. No doubt in my mind, you put Durant on the world’s biggest stage and he would embrace it. Just shine in the spotlight like Kobe, Shaq or Jordan would have.

But I’m not gonna hedge my pick. I’ll stick with Memphis. In my opinion, it would be one of the most entertaining NBA Finals ever. I mean think about the athleticism on the court. Think about the matchups. LeBron and Gay. Wade and TA. Skilled big men. Dependable point guards. Shaky coaches who are probably in over their heads. Not to mention you would have all of America desperately pulling for Memphis in the ultimate underdog series. Man, I should really stop getting so excited about this, since it definitely won’t end up happening. Anyway, Heat in 6.   

Is walking across America a power move, or just crazy?

It's crazy, right? Has to be. Like, nobody with half a brain does this. Pushing a baby stroller around with all your shit in it? Walking alongside the highway in the Arizona desert? It's certifiable. 

But I guess that's what happens when you graduate from Arts & Crafts Sciences. No life skills. No sense of responsibility. Just no direction at all. You spend your entire college career talking about your feelings, and the next thing you know you're just wandering aimlessly through life. Literally. My friend Ebram here flew to Los Angeles and just decided to walk home. Like, who does that? 

Ok, now in fairness to Ebram, he is a pretty decent guy. Complete nutjob. But still a solid person and arguably one of the Top 5 Egyptians in our graduating class. But listen man, just because we were friends in college doesn't mean you can call me up whenever you want. It's like every three days he's got a million more questions. How are the Celtics doing? What's KONY? Whitney Houston died? Who's Carly Rae Jepsen? You hooking up with anybody? Like, enough already.

You want to walk across the country, be my guest. But it's not my job to fill you in on everything you're missing. It's not my fault you couldn't turn 10:02 into a full-time job. That's on you. Besides, you know I'm not hooking up with anybody, so why do you even bother asking? 

P.S. You can follow Ebram at Heybram.com and on his Facebook page.