Hey everyone. Hope you've been enjoying all the invisible posts lately. Pretty high-tech stuff.
As many of you know, I'm now contributing to CelticsHub.com. It's an actual blog with more than 18 followers, so I'm gonna have to devote my time to that. I'm not going to be posting much for Behind the Arc anymore. Maybe every now and then. But not.
This is basically a win-win for everyone. I move on to bigger and better things, and you guys can focus on your studies without having to constantly hit "refresh" to see if I've posted something new and hilarious.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
More emails
Good Email: This picture that Charles sent of me as Nnamdi Asomugha, aka Miggy Asomugha, aka Asomiggs.
Bad Email:
How about this prank email from Ben that had me thinking I had MADE IT in the blog world. Some friend, huh? Or maybe it's worse that I actually believed this for an entire 24 hours. Like, of course Tommy Wiseau, director and lead actor of "The Room," one of the worst movies ever made, follows my blog.
Dear Mike,
I have followed your blog for quite some time now and it is splendid, it gives me funny feelings in my nether regions. I do have a question though, that has been churning around in my mind for quite some time now, how does one become such a sexy beast like yourself? If you could give me some tips or advice in that regard, I would be very appreciative.
Best wishes and keep up the great, very sex work,
-Tommy
Like no joke, I actually fell for this email. However, in my defense, look at this guy. He's a nutjob. I probably would have believed anything you told me about him.
Bad Email:
How about this prank email from Ben that had me thinking I had MADE IT in the blog world. Some friend, huh? Or maybe it's worse that I actually believed this for an entire 24 hours. Like, of course Tommy Wiseau, director and lead actor of "The Room," one of the worst movies ever made, follows my blog.
Dear Mike,
I have followed your blog for quite some time now and it is splendid, it gives me funny feelings in my nether regions. I do have a question though, that has been churning around in my mind for quite some time now, how does one become such a sexy beast like yourself? If you could give me some tips or advice in that regard, I would be very appreciative.
Best wishes and keep up the great, very sex work,
-Tommy
Like no joke, I actually fell for this email. However, in my defense, look at this guy. He's a nutjob. I probably would have believed anything you told me about him.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Got Me a Ticket to Celtics-Heat
There are very few occasions in a man’s life where he has the chance to witness something greater than life itself. When the entire world has its eyes transfixed on one game, in one arena, for an entire 3 hours. When the Damons and Wahlbergs and Jay-Zs of the world all come together under one roof to share such a spectacular moment in history. It only happens once, maybe twice a year. And it just so happens that Tuesday night at the TD Garden will be one of those times.
To say I’m looking forward to the Heat-Celtics game would be like saying Screech had a thing for Lisa Turtle. Because there are certain things in life that you look forward to…and then there’s this game. For example, I’m looking forward to dressing up for the midnight showing of Harry Potter next month. I’m looking forward to attending Calvin’s wedding with all my friends, which my Google Calendar just reminded me is only 18 months away. And I’m looking forward to COMING HOME ONE DAY AND NOT SEEING OUR FREAKIN’ BATHROOM LIGHT ON WHEN WE HAVE A $204 ELECTRICITY BILL! But that’s just me.
This game is probably one of the most anticipated games of our lifetime. I’m not trying to be hyperbolic (by far the biggest word in the history of this blog), but I’m having trouble thinking of another game that will receive more warranted and impassioned attention than this game. Super Bowls are fun, but at the end of the day, they have one every year. I admit, Celtics-Heat will probably soon be triumphed by LeBron’s return to Cleveland in a couple months. But for now, there’s really nothing that can top it.
How did I score a ticket to the game, you ask? Just used my infinite resources as a basketball insider to purchase myself one on a little website called Stubhub.com. And I got a pretty good deal on it, too. Cost me just about the same as my monthly electric bill. Ba-dum-chh!
Is this too much money for a single game ticket? No way. This is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. When I’m sitting around in my rocking chair when I’m 65 years old, do you think I’m gonna care if I have an extra $200 in my pocket? Or am I gonna want to pick up Salvuchasaurus III and say to him, “You know what little guy, I was at LeBron’s first game ever with the Miami Heat, before he went on to win those 5 championships. And you know who won that game? That’s right, the Boston Celtics.” Then I’ll whip out my wallet and give my 6-year old grandson $200 anyway because that’s the type of bomb G-Pa I’m going to be.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
NBA Bans Concept 1's
What's that NFL? You announced today that players will be suspended for "head shots" and "devastating hits?" Well I see your over-reactionary rule change, and raise you another crazy and ridiculous ban. That's right, no NBA player will be allowed to wear Athletic Porpulsion Lab's Concept 1 shoe, which supposedly can increase vertical leap.
And I must say: Bravo, David Stern. Bravo. Because if you're truly going to distinguish yourself from the NFL as the best sports league on Earth, you can't even give them an extra second in the spotlight. When I turned on SportsCenter this morning, all anyone was talking about was the new NFL rule change. You can't be having that. And now, I wouldn't be surprised if they lead with your shoe ban story on Around the Horn and PTI. It really is that big of a deal.
Note to Albermarle All-Stars: these puppies are officially banned from our pick-up games, as well. We don't want any 5'8" Rondo-like guards with already astronomical vertical leaps suddenly banging their heads against the backboard every time they go up for a layup. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me Indeed
Cudder just released the album cover for Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager. It comes out November 9, aka my birthday. Seriously people, I only need one copy. Figure it out amongst yourselves.
What a Roller Coaster Week for T.I.
So on Thursday, T.I. hears on the radio that there is a man about to commit suicide by jumping off a 22-story building somewhere in Atlanta. Like, he’s literally standing on the edge of the building as T.I. is hearing this. So what does T.I. do? He goes and talks the man out of it. Well done, T.I. I honestly didn’t think you had it in you. Then on Friday, he releases a new single “Get Back Up” with Chris Brown, which can be heard every 45 minutes on Kiss 108 FM starting in…let’s give it two weeks.
But guess what also happens on Friday? Some judge is like, “Ho-hum, back in the slammer for 11 months!” Yikes. Talk about killing his buzz, judge. I guess T.I. was arrested last month for drug possession, and given his prior record, the judge had no sympathy. Understandable.
But honestly, T.I. you have nobody to blame but yourself here. You got out of your halfway house in March, meaning you had 6 months to build up some good publicity before you inevitably got caught again. Seriously, all you had to do was make one song with Alicia Keys and you were probably good to go. That’s it. America loves Alicia Keys. They think she’s classy and shit. I guarantee that would have worked, Instead, what do you do? You release a song with Chris Brown on the day of your sentencing? Are you freaking kidding me, guy? I know you’ve been locked up for a while, but newsflash: the only person this country hates more than Chris Brown is LeBron. It really must tell you something when you save a man’s life the day before your sentencing and you still get hosed like that.
Fantasy Basketball is the Only One Worth Playing and I'm Sticking to It
In 6th grade I sat my entire family down and told them I was getting out of the chocolate-eating game. I just wasn’t going to eat chocolate anymore. Just like that. I wanted to live a long healthy life, and completely eliminating my chocolate in-take was a small step in the process. But instead of supporting me like any nice family would, everyone just laughed at me. They said I would last 3 days, a week max, before I caved and had a Kit-Kat or something. Well ha! The joke’s on you, because 10 years later I’m still not eating chocolate. Score that Mike 1, Family 0. Yes I realize that chocolate is delicious and awesome, but so is being a man of principle. And when I said I wasn’t going to eat chocolate anymore, I meant it.
I know what you’re thinking, “Mike, I’ve seen you eat chocolate before. There’s no way this is true. You’re just shaking my tailfeather right now.” Oh really? You’ve actually SEEN me eat chocolate before? When? Where? What was I wearing in this imaginary moment in time? Did I look fresh? Obviously I did, but that doesn’t mean it happened. Seriously, next time someone puts a plate of brownies in front of me, watch how not excited I get compared to everyone else. I don’t eat anything with chocolate. Nothing. Chocolate cake? Nope. Charleston Chews? Snickers? Cocoa Puffs? Negativo. And the worst part is when I’m eating a Hoodsie and can only eat the vanilla half. I mean, those cups are already small enough. The fact that I have the will-power to only eat half is pretty hard body.
Actually, I’m not gonna say I don’t eat ANYTHING with chocolate in it. That’s a little strong. There are two exceptions: Chocolate-chip cookies and chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream (which is really just a cookie in its natural state, with ice cream). The reason I decided to start eating chocolate-chip cookies was mostly because of social norms. Like, you can’t just go through life not eating chocolate-chip cookies and expect to go places. It was already bad enough that I refused brownies when people made them for me, and I didn’t want to be the weird kid who didn’t eat chocolate-chip cookies either. Once I made this decision, eating chocolate-chip cookie dough was logically the next step in the progression.
What’s the point of this story? Well, two years ago I quit the Fantasy football league that the All-Stars and I had been doing for years. This was also a tough decision, because our football/basketball/baseball leagues are a lot of fun. You can say a lot of things about my friends, but don’t for one second say we don’t know how to do fantasy sports. Because we do. And it’s not like we have $100 entry fees or anything like that (I mean, we are talking about a group who, for the past 6 years, has never played a game of poker with more than 10-20 cent blinds. Not to mention that whenever someone has the audacity to raise to 40 cents before the flop, the collective groan from everyone else can be heard a mile away). But for the most part, everyone keeps up with their teams pretty closely and there are a lot of trades, so it’s a good time.
And then of course, there’s the draft. Fantasy drafts are pretty much the greatest thing ever invented. I’m pretty sure they would win the Awesome Game. (For those of you that haven’t played the Awesome Game, it’s a game where everyone writes like 3 things that are awesome on little pieces of paper and puts them in a hat. Once you have all the Awesome Things, you set it up like a March Madness bracket and people discuss/vote on which thing is more awesome, and then eventually there’s one winner. Usually it’s something sexual, like “insertion,” but I’m hard-pressed to think of something right now that’s more awesome than a Fantasy draft).
Anyway, we officially started doing Fantasy drafts the right way, live and in-person, during sophomore year of high school. It was a cold day in March, but everyone was pumped because we were going to do our Fantasy baseball draft at school, instead of conducting the draft online. We convinced Coach Kane to let us use his classroom, so as soon as last period was over, it was straight to the War Room. Let’s be honest here, for 179 out of the 180 days every year, the reason I ultimately got out of bed and went to school was so I could flirt with girls and try to get my mack on. But for this 1 day, girls were the last thing on my mind. Class was simply more time to go over draft sheets, and lunch was time to negotiate trades. Kane’s room was perfect. We all had a computer, we had the Big Board. I think Calvin played Vanna White. Some kid tried to draft Mark Prior in the 15th round. It was just a great time, and it set us on the correct path of doing all of our drafts that way. I can’t even count the number of drafts we’ve had since then, but each time they never disappoint.
So considering all this, why is the infatuation with Fantasy sports wearing off? Or at least with football and baseball? Let’s start with football. I was losing my mind on Sundays and wasn’t able to enjoy the games at all. Constantly having to root for Reggie Wayne took a toll on me, so I quit. Now, I sit down on the couch every Sunday and I’m able to watch the Second Best League on the Planet without any attachment. And I love it. Plus, when you really think about it, football is probably the WORST sport to do fantasy for. Individual player statistics really have nothing to do with the outcome of the game. Yes, it’s easy to keep track of your team because you only need to set your lineup once a week. But I hate how there’s just so much luck involved with the draft. Oh, you got Arian Foster in the 8th round and now you’re winning the league. Congrats, bro. How many 8th round draft picks ever become a top fantasy player in basketball? Answer: Zero.
As for baseball, it’s also just way too unpredictable. You don’t win your Fantasy baseball league by drafting well. You win your Fantasy baseball league by watching SportsCenter, seeing that Jose Bautista is off to a decent start this season, and then adding him as a free agent before anyone else does. And then 54 home runs later, you try to play it off like you actually know something. It’s the worst. You win Fantasy baseball by just staying on top of it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the time for that. These blogs aren’t gonna write themselves.
Fantasy basketball doesn’t work that way. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Chris Paul, Lebron James and Dwight Howard will probably be the best fantasy players this year. And guess what? I’m right. People say they like playing fantasy sports because they get to play the role of GM. Well if you really want that chance, play fantasy basketball. It really is about assembling the best team possible. You basically know what everyone’s stats are going to be. But it’s up to you to balance your roster and everything. Do I sacrifice rebounds and blocks for assists and steals? Or do I load up on big men and hope I can add scoring guards later on? Those are legitimate questions that you ask yourself as a Fantasy basketball owner. Occasionally you’ll have someone like Jamal Crawford have a great season out of nowhere, but it’s not like he’s affecting the entire league or anything like that. Plus, rotisserie scoring is the standard method for basketball, meaning the best team wins every time. Seriously, is there anything more obnoxious than having to listen to your friend bitch about how unlucky he is with his head-to-head matchups? “I have scored the 2nd most points of anyone in the league, and I’m still 2-3. This is ridiculous.” Don’t be that guy. Play Fantasy basketball.
This past August, my friends tried to convince me to play Fantasy football again. I’m sure that won’t be the last time. “C’mon Mike, we’re getting the league back together. Just play this year.” Sorry guys, not budging. I haven’t had a brownie in 10 years. What makes you think I’ll succumb to peer pressure on this?
I know what you’re thinking, “Mike, I’ve seen you eat chocolate before. There’s no way this is true. You’re just shaking my tailfeather right now.” Oh really? You’ve actually SEEN me eat chocolate before? When? Where? What was I wearing in this imaginary moment in time? Did I look fresh? Obviously I did, but that doesn’t mean it happened. Seriously, next time someone puts a plate of brownies in front of me, watch how not excited I get compared to everyone else. I don’t eat anything with chocolate. Nothing. Chocolate cake? Nope. Charleston Chews? Snickers? Cocoa Puffs? Negativo. And the worst part is when I’m eating a Hoodsie and can only eat the vanilla half. I mean, those cups are already small enough. The fact that I have the will-power to only eat half is pretty hard body.
Actually, I’m not gonna say I don’t eat ANYTHING with chocolate in it. That’s a little strong. There are two exceptions: Chocolate-chip cookies and chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream (which is really just a cookie in its natural state, with ice cream). The reason I decided to start eating chocolate-chip cookies was mostly because of social norms. Like, you can’t just go through life not eating chocolate-chip cookies and expect to go places. It was already bad enough that I refused brownies when people made them for me, and I didn’t want to be the weird kid who didn’t eat chocolate-chip cookies either. Once I made this decision, eating chocolate-chip cookie dough was logically the next step in the progression.
What’s the point of this story? Well, two years ago I quit the Fantasy football league that the All-Stars and I had been doing for years. This was also a tough decision, because our football/basketball/baseball leagues are a lot of fun. You can say a lot of things about my friends, but don’t for one second say we don’t know how to do fantasy sports. Because we do. And it’s not like we have $100 entry fees or anything like that (I mean, we are talking about a group who, for the past 6 years, has never played a game of poker with more than 10-20 cent blinds. Not to mention that whenever someone has the audacity to raise to 40 cents before the flop, the collective groan from everyone else can be heard a mile away). But for the most part, everyone keeps up with their teams pretty closely and there are a lot of trades, so it’s a good time.
And then of course, there’s the draft. Fantasy drafts are pretty much the greatest thing ever invented. I’m pretty sure they would win the Awesome Game. (For those of you that haven’t played the Awesome Game, it’s a game where everyone writes like 3 things that are awesome on little pieces of paper and puts them in a hat. Once you have all the Awesome Things, you set it up like a March Madness bracket and people discuss/vote on which thing is more awesome, and then eventually there’s one winner. Usually it’s something sexual, like “insertion,” but I’m hard-pressed to think of something right now that’s more awesome than a Fantasy draft).
Anyway, we officially started doing Fantasy drafts the right way, live and in-person, during sophomore year of high school. It was a cold day in March, but everyone was pumped because we were going to do our Fantasy baseball draft at school, instead of conducting the draft online. We convinced Coach Kane to let us use his classroom, so as soon as last period was over, it was straight to the War Room. Let’s be honest here, for 179 out of the 180 days every year, the reason I ultimately got out of bed and went to school was so I could flirt with girls and try to get my mack on. But for this 1 day, girls were the last thing on my mind. Class was simply more time to go over draft sheets, and lunch was time to negotiate trades. Kane’s room was perfect. We all had a computer, we had the Big Board. I think Calvin played Vanna White. Some kid tried to draft Mark Prior in the 15th round. It was just a great time, and it set us on the correct path of doing all of our drafts that way. I can’t even count the number of drafts we’ve had since then, but each time they never disappoint.
So considering all this, why is the infatuation with Fantasy sports wearing off? Or at least with football and baseball? Let’s start with football. I was losing my mind on Sundays and wasn’t able to enjoy the games at all. Constantly having to root for Reggie Wayne took a toll on me, so I quit. Now, I sit down on the couch every Sunday and I’m able to watch the Second Best League on the Planet without any attachment. And I love it. Plus, when you really think about it, football is probably the WORST sport to do fantasy for. Individual player statistics really have nothing to do with the outcome of the game. Yes, it’s easy to keep track of your team because you only need to set your lineup once a week. But I hate how there’s just so much luck involved with the draft. Oh, you got Arian Foster in the 8th round and now you’re winning the league. Congrats, bro. How many 8th round draft picks ever become a top fantasy player in basketball? Answer: Zero.
As for baseball, it’s also just way too unpredictable. You don’t win your Fantasy baseball league by drafting well. You win your Fantasy baseball league by watching SportsCenter, seeing that Jose Bautista is off to a decent start this season, and then adding him as a free agent before anyone else does. And then 54 home runs later, you try to play it off like you actually know something. It’s the worst. You win Fantasy baseball by just staying on top of it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the time for that. These blogs aren’t gonna write themselves.
Fantasy basketball doesn’t work that way. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Chris Paul, Lebron James and Dwight Howard will probably be the best fantasy players this year. And guess what? I’m right. People say they like playing fantasy sports because they get to play the role of GM. Well if you really want that chance, play fantasy basketball. It really is about assembling the best team possible. You basically know what everyone’s stats are going to be. But it’s up to you to balance your roster and everything. Do I sacrifice rebounds and blocks for assists and steals? Or do I load up on big men and hope I can add scoring guards later on? Those are legitimate questions that you ask yourself as a Fantasy basketball owner. Occasionally you’ll have someone like Jamal Crawford have a great season out of nowhere, but it’s not like he’s affecting the entire league or anything like that. Plus, rotisserie scoring is the standard method for basketball, meaning the best team wins every time. Seriously, is there anything more obnoxious than having to listen to your friend bitch about how unlucky he is with his head-to-head matchups? “I have scored the 2nd most points of anyone in the league, and I’m still 2-3. This is ridiculous.” Don’t be that guy. Play Fantasy basketball.
This past August, my friends tried to convince me to play Fantasy football again. I’m sure that won’t be the last time. “C’mon Mike, we’re getting the league back together. Just play this year.” Sorry guys, not budging. I haven’t had a brownie in 10 years. What makes you think I’ll succumb to peer pressure on this?
Friday, October 15, 2010
FML: Red Sox Officially Purchase Liverpool
My phone/Facebook has been blowing up all day with the “breaking news” that the Red Sox owners are purchasing Liverpool, F.C., my favorite soccer team. First of all people, this happened like 2 weeks ago. It’s been tied up in the judicial system for a little while because the former Liverpool owners thought the club was being undervalued. But the Liverpool board approved this a while ago.
I realize everyone out there is trying to feed me news. Trying to give me new material and shit. Listen guys, I invented the news. And I wasn’t born yesterday. I know how it works. You’re just trying to show me that you’ve been dedicated fans from the very beginning, so when I become rich and famous maybe you’ll get a slice of the pie. That’s all fine with me. But c’mon, texting me a story when it becomes headline news on ESPN? Step it up.
Anyway, I’m actually kinda upset about this. Two reasons.
1. The Red Sox have the best fans in professional sports, at least in the United States. That’s just a fact. Nobody cares more about their team more than we do. I think I’ll love the Red Sox more than I’ll ever love my wife. Over the past few years, we’ve taken a hit as all the Pink Hats and bandwagoners have been making their way to Fenway just to see what all the fuss is about (Hey, it happens. At least we sell out our playoff games, unlike the Yankees in 2009). And I’m not gonna lie, it bothers me when I see people that don’t actually care about the Red Sox, pretending to care. Seriously, people. Why do it? Why do you feel the need to put on a front? It’s not like I go to the MFA to look at the art. I hate that shit, so I stay as far away from it as possible. It’s stupid ridiculous.
And now all of New England is about to become Liverpool fans. It’s not like I’m upset because I thought Liverpool was my personal thing, or anything like that. I could care less. But if you’re gonna follow a team, you need an authentic reason for it. I watched soccer for 3 years before Liverpool truly spoke to me. Steven Gerrard. Anfield. The Miracle in Istanbul. Those words don’t mean anything to people around here. And now they’re all about to become Liverpool fans. I’ve been a loyal LFC fan for several years, and now it’s just gonna look like I’m some schmuck who started following the team because they’re associated with the Red Sox.
2. If you don’t know the background info: Liverpool is one of the biggest and most successful clubs in the world. However, they haven’t won the English Premier League since 1990. Although they are usually a very competitive team, this year they just suck. If we want to get back on par with Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal, we need to spend money on new players. Big money. Money that John Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino might not have. And while these guys certainly all have more money than me, they don’t have more money than other potential owners. Sauidi Arabian princes and Chinese investment groups and shit. We’re talking about the same guys who wouldn’t give an extra $10 million to Mark Texiera. How are we supposed to compete with Chelsea, Real Madrid or even Manchester City when it comes to buying players? If there is one thing we have learned about John Henry and his boys, it’s that they do have a limit. Their pockets are not endless. Basically, Liverpool and the Red Sox both just became less financially flexible, to put it nicely. Not good news if you’re a fan of either.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Arguably the Biggest Decision of 2010
Halloween is my favorite day of the year. It’s really not even close. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to dress up. Themed-parties. Camp Talent Shows. Wednesdays. You name it, I’ll dress up for it. So naturally, I can’t get enough Halloween. It just does it for me. There was actually a brief 2-year stretch when New Year’s Eve was the day I looked forward to most, but that ended when Officer Izzy pulled the plug on having fun. Now October 31 is back in the driver’s seat, and until I’m 40 and am forced to sit at home and pass out Snickers to little Rugrats, I expect it to stay there.
Not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve kinda been on a roll with my costumes the past two years. A spot-on Sanka from Cool Runnings, including the dreads and the full-body Olympic bobsledding suit. And then a brilliantly executed Lil Wayne costume with the dreads and tattoos (Some of my friends gave me the business for wearing that dreads wig twice in a row like some asshole. Whoa, sorry guys. I paid like 50 bucks for those dreads. Just trying to depreciate that shit over multiple years. Not my fault you don’t understand what that means).
A few weeks ago I came up with another stellar idea: Cristiano Ronaldo. The similarities are endless. Got that tall, dark and handsome thing going for us that girls seem to love. Kim Kardashian plays/played a significant role in our lives. Both hate Chelsea, F.C. Both are fashionistas in our own right. I admit there is one small, tiny difference on the soccer pitch: Ronaldo really is a natural winger, whereas I sometimes prefer to get high and central and even play from the striker position. But other than that, we’re basically the same person. Not to mention I already have his jersey (I’m sure he has mine, too), so it’s really a no-brainer.
My overall philosophy in life is that when you do things, you need to do them 100%. Nothing half-hearted. That’s why I love Tiger Woods. So if I’m going to be Cristiano Ronaldo, I’m going to BE CRISTIANO RONALDO. That means I’m going to be dressed from head-to-toe in replica soccer apparel. That means I’m going to convince a bunch of girls to walk around with me all night (probably call ‘em Vucci’s Hoochies, or something cute like that). And that means I’m gonna get my hair did so it looks just like him. I’m gonna grow out the mullet in the back, and the day before Halloween I’ll shave the sides of my head and then gel everything else up top.
Well here’s my dilemma: My hair is like 3 weeks ahead of me right now. Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t be a big deal. I’d just put on a hat and call it a day. But since the entire accounting world is after me like a pack of wolves, I need to be looking my Don Draper-best in these interviews. And my hair is officially too long to wear to an interview now.
So now what? I’m probably gonna have to get that haircut tomorrow. 19 days could be enough time to grow it back. Or maybe I just call up my boy Cristiano and have him buzz his whole head, and then I’m set.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Checkin' the Mailbox
Did you seriously wear my pajamas and sleep in my bed when I went home for the weekend?
-Nick, Chestnut Hill
Does the Pope shit in the woods, Nick? Of course I did. We also did a fashion show with all of J-Rod’s clothes. True story.
I think I’m gonna start following the NBA. Do you think I should start following the NBA? What team should I follow? I think it has to be the Celtics because my rule is that whenever I start following a sport I root for the team of the city I’m currently living in at the time. What do you think? Can I start following the Celtics?
-Lovely, Brighton
Hey Steve, what team is from Under A Rock? Because that’s basically where you’ve been living for the past 10 years. Seriously, just do what you gotta do. If you can manage to somehow go to bed at night being a Steelers, Mets and Celtics fan, be my guest.
What does “Behind the Arc” mean? Help me.
-Sara, Ann Arbor
What was that Sara? Do I think you’ll get into Law school? No, I don’t actually. You probably bubbled in your name incorrectly and now it’s all over. Good luck, though.
Who’s the favorite to win the NBA title this year?
-Teo, Boston
Leave it to Teo to actually ask me a legitimate question. I’m going with the Lakers, then the Celtics, and then the Heat. In that order. The thing that people don’t realize is that Pau Gasol is the best offensive big man in the NBA right now. Pair him with Kobe and I don’t see how they don’t three-peat next year. They’re just too big and talented across the frontcourt.
As for the Eastern Conference, I’m picking the Celtics over the Heat for the same reason I’m picking the Lakers: I like their depth and size. That’s what she said. Obviously, Miami is going to be the No. 1 seed, and the Celtics will probably be the 3 or 4 seed. But in a 7-game series, I really don’t see how the Heat could beat Boston. They’re basically throwing Chris Bosh and a bunch of scrubs against the Celtics’ plentiful frontcourt. Joel Anthony (2.7 ppg last year), Udonis Haslem (6’8”) and Zydrunas Ilgauskas (could hardly earn playing time for the Cavs in the playoffs last year) are gonna match up against KG, Shaq, Perkins, Jermaine O’Neal, and Big Baby? Ok.
I’ve changed my mind on the whole “The Heat won’t be able to figure out who’s gonna take the last shot” position. It’s a stupid argument and I feel embarrassed for believing it in the first place. But I do firmly believe that Lebron and Wade don’t really compliment each other that well. They’re both drivers. If Wade drives and kicks it to Lebron for an open 3-pointer, that’s fine with me. Same thing if Wade is taking the long-range jumpers. Neither of them scares me from anywhere outside the paint.
Lakers over Celtics, again.
So according to your rankings, I’m a +6.
-Calvin’s outfit, Miami
Well, let’s take a look at it. Snapback hat. Sunglasses. Lax pinny. Bro shorts. Bro socks. Bro shoes. Yup, that sounds about right.
So according to your rankings, I’m a -14.
-Seth’s outfit, New York
Technically, yes. Although I can’t tell for sure because your socks are looser than your jeans and my system doesn’t know how to quantify that.
I have a QB rating of 105.3. I’ve thrown 8 touchdowns and 0 interceptions. Still think I can’t play quarterback in this league?
-Mark Sanchez, New York
Relax, guy. It’s been 4 games. How did last year go for you? You only had the #1 ranked defense and the #1 ranked rushing game, and you STILL only made the playoffs because Indianapolis gave up on the regular season. C’mon, cue the “Oh, he was only a rookie. He’s still getting better each and every day” brigade. I don’t need to hear it. What did Tom Brady do in his first season? Oh that’s right, win the Super Bowl. I can’t wait for you guys to get spanked by Randy and the Vikes Monday night.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Weezy in Solitary Confinement
So apparently Lil Wayne was busted for hiding an mp3 player in a bag of potato chips and now he's in solitary confinement until his November 4th release. Call me crazy, but something doesn't add up here. Didn't this dude just put out an album like 2 weeks ago? He probably had at least 3 laptops, a bunch of microphones, even some auto-tune equipment in his cell with him. And now this? How does having an iPod gets you a month's worth of solitary confinement? Bizarre.
Welcome to Behind the Arc
I’ve been taking some heat for changing the name. For those of you wondering WHY I changed the site, honestly it might be time to tighten the screws up top. You really thought a name like albermarleallstars.blogspot.com was gonna catch on nationwide? You people need to get out more. Seriously, how many blogspots do you follow? Plus, I don’t think there was one person at BC that could pronounce it correctly. I would say 90% of student body called it AlbieMarley All-Stars, or something like that. Kinda pathetic when you think about it. Like, I don’t even read books but if I saw that word for the first time, I would just sound it out like I learned in 1st grade and that would be the end of it.
So before you get all your Under Armour muscle T’s in a bunch like Mitch did, think about the longevity of the new site. The staying power. I even have ads now! But before we move on completely, let’s look back at some highlights of Albermarle All-Stars:
- The original 15 player profiles. My finest moment. The College Dropout of my career. The artistic brilliance that set me on the path to blogosphere celebrity. I’d be nothing with them. But at the same time, it’s kinda been a curse. See, for guys like me and Kanye, we’re just constantly living in the shadow of our prior work. No matter how many albums he makes or how many posts I put up, people just yearn for the good old days.
- Teo calls me last week to tell me this story: “So Mike, the other day in class, my professor started talking about Curt Schilling and all the guys in the class immediately starting naming all these random stats/facts about him. My professor then goes on this rant about how ridiculous it is that guys can remember all this stuff. And I think to myself, Mike just wrote a blog about this the other day. So I decide to send her the link to your post. I told her if she wanted to get the perspective of a 21-year old male, then you were the guy. So she responds to the e-mail. ‘I read the article and thought it was great. I shared it with my husband and he thought it was hilarious. I think we should try to invite your friend Mike into class as a guest lecturer.’”…Ok, I may or may not have made up that last part about being a guest lecturer. But the rest is true.
-When I spelled “Albermarle” incorrectly.
-There is this website called EatFeats.com, and it tracks the top competitive eaters in the world. Since I have eyes and ears everywhere, I obviously knew as soon as Joey Chestnut walked in the door at Eagle’s Deli and immediately posted something about it. A few minutes later, what’s the lead headline on EatFeats.com? “Albermarle All-Stars is reporting that Joey Chestnut is at Eagle’s Deli attempting to eat the challenge burger.” That’s right. Albermarle All-Stars absolutely reported that shit.
-The Albies, which will become an annual reunion festival for years to come
*Enjoy the new site
So before you get all your Under Armour muscle T’s in a bunch like Mitch did, think about the longevity of the new site. The staying power. I even have ads now! But before we move on completely, let’s look back at some highlights of Albermarle All-Stars:
- The original 15 player profiles. My finest moment. The College Dropout of my career. The artistic brilliance that set me on the path to blogosphere celebrity. I’d be nothing with them. But at the same time, it’s kinda been a curse. See, for guys like me and Kanye, we’re just constantly living in the shadow of our prior work. No matter how many albums he makes or how many posts I put up, people just yearn for the good old days.
- Teo calls me last week to tell me this story: “So Mike, the other day in class, my professor started talking about Curt Schilling and all the guys in the class immediately starting naming all these random stats/facts about him. My professor then goes on this rant about how ridiculous it is that guys can remember all this stuff. And I think to myself, Mike just wrote a blog about this the other day. So I decide to send her the link to your post. I told her if she wanted to get the perspective of a 21-year old male, then you were the guy. So she responds to the e-mail. ‘I read the article and thought it was great. I shared it with my husband and he thought it was hilarious. I think we should try to invite your friend Mike into class as a guest lecturer.’”…Ok, I may or may not have made up that last part about being a guest lecturer. But the rest is true.
-When I spelled “Albermarle” incorrectly.
-There is this website called EatFeats.com, and it tracks the top competitive eaters in the world. Since I have eyes and ears everywhere, I obviously knew as soon as Joey Chestnut walked in the door at Eagle’s Deli and immediately posted something about it. A few minutes later, what’s the lead headline on EatFeats.com? “Albermarle All-Stars is reporting that Joey Chestnut is at Eagle’s Deli attempting to eat the challenge burger.” That’s right. Albermarle All-Stars absolutely reported that shit.
-The Albies, which will become an annual reunion festival for years to come
*Enjoy the new site
Our Professional Football Team is a Piece of Junk
Nice trade Bill. The world is ending in 2012. Time's running out, you can't just keep building for the future anymore. Honestly, what's the point of watching the Patriots anymore? Even kids know you don't trade a Top-5 Wide Receiver for anything less than a 2nd rounder.
Fashion Advice for Guys
Ok, not a lot of people know this. So I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
Here goes:
Men’s fashion basically ranges across a spectrum, with some people on the left and some people on the right. Apparently this is also how political parties work. Or at least that’s what I have in my notes. On the left side, you got your hipsters. Skinny jeans. Vans. Plaid shirts. V-neck T-shirts down to your belly-button. You get the idea. On the right side, you got your preppy/bro/fratstar look. This includes brightly colored polo’s, button-downs, khakis, boat shoes, flashy sneakers, etc.
What makes me such a fashion icon is that I’m able to navigate both waters. Take a little from each, so to say. I like to refer to myself as a hipbro (pronounced HiPprOH). But that doesn’t mean I’m reckless or anything. Not at all. There is a mathematical science that goes into each and every outfit I leave the house wearing.
Any article of clothing considered to be “hipster” is given a -1. Any article clothing considered to be “bro” is given a +1. Normal, regular clothes are given a 0 and have no net effect on your outfit. The rule is that you must be within the aggregate range of -1 to 1. Anything outside of that range and you will immediately draw attention to yourself in a negative light.
Let’s look at some examples of acceptable combinations:
Last night's look: Red Sox Fitted (+1), Button-Down (+1), Skinnier Jeans (-1), Regular Nike sneakerss (0): Aggregate score: +1. So I’m a little on the bro side, but not so much that I’m gonna get iced in the middle of Mary Ann’s.
Thursday’s outfit: American Apparel T-Shirt (-1), Khaki’s (+1), Alife sneakers (-1) Aggregate score: -1. So I look a little hipster, but not to the point that I’m forced to stop listening to all the music that I really enjoy just because other people have heard of it.
Seriously fellas, follow these simple rules and life gets exponentially better. That’s a promise.
Here goes:
Men’s fashion basically ranges across a spectrum, with some people on the left and some people on the right. Apparently this is also how political parties work. Or at least that’s what I have in my notes. On the left side, you got your hipsters. Skinny jeans. Vans. Plaid shirts. V-neck T-shirts down to your belly-button. You get the idea. On the right side, you got your preppy/bro/fratstar look. This includes brightly colored polo’s, button-downs, khakis, boat shoes, flashy sneakers, etc.
What makes me such a fashion icon is that I’m able to navigate both waters. Take a little from each, so to say. I like to refer to myself as a hipbro (pronounced HiPprOH). But that doesn’t mean I’m reckless or anything. Not at all. There is a mathematical science that goes into each and every outfit I leave the house wearing.
Any article of clothing considered to be “hipster” is given a -1. Any article clothing considered to be “bro” is given a +1. Normal, regular clothes are given a 0 and have no net effect on your outfit. The rule is that you must be within the aggregate range of -1 to 1. Anything outside of that range and you will immediately draw attention to yourself in a negative light.
Let’s look at some examples of acceptable combinations:
Last night's look: Red Sox Fitted (+1), Button-Down (+1), Skinnier Jeans (-1), Regular Nike sneakerss (0): Aggregate score: +1. So I’m a little on the bro side, but not so much that I’m gonna get iced in the middle of Mary Ann’s.
Thursday’s outfit: American Apparel T-Shirt (-1), Khaki’s (+1), Alife sneakers (-1) Aggregate score: -1. So I look a little hipster, but not to the point that I’m forced to stop listening to all the music that I really enjoy just because other people have heard of it.
Seriously fellas, follow these simple rules and life gets exponentially better. That’s a promise.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
And for the Girls: The High Waisted Jean Is Back!
Wow, I'm losing my mind trying to find a way to describe how hot this look is going to be in like 12 months. Actually scratch that. This look is on fire right now. Wear it with a V-neck tee and some white Keds. Ooooooooohhhhhh baby. I'm pretty sure that's what girls wear in heaven like all the time. Seriously ladies, get on this look pronto! Because next summer when all your friends are rushing off to the store to get these jeans, you'll already have been rocking it for months.
Btw, I realize it's 2am on a Friday night. But all night my head was spinning just waiting to get back to my room so I could write this blog. The girl that was chewing my arm all night was cute. But at the end of the day, low-rise just ain't gonna cut it.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Super Smash Bros. Has To Be The Worst Game Ever Invented
My roommates are in the other room screaming and giggling like girls over Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 64. Somebody kill me. Seriously, just thrust in the dagger and twist. Because this has to be the worst game ever invented. Like, "Oh my god, you killed me even though I WAS THE ONE THAT HAD THE HAMMER!" Get over yourself. It's not 1998 anymore, guys. They have real video games like FIFA and Call of Duty. Not to mention the background music on that thing is almost as unbearable as the Beatles. That's right I said it.
I just don't understand why people actually play this game. I feel like I'm on the outside of some big joke or something. I think I'm beginning to realize its one of those hipster things where the fact that it's terrible and not fun makes people want to play it. Because it's ironic and shit. Riddle me that.
Dude Proposes To Chick in Hillside
Give me a break, bro. Nothing says romance like the Back Bay club sandwich. I mean, there I am just minding my own business when some guy just starts proposing all over the place to this girl. She said yes and I'm happy for them and all. But what do you think their next move was, a quick escape to Conte Forum? Shit confuses me.
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