In 6th grade I sat my entire family down and told them I was getting out of the chocolate-eating game. I just wasn’t going to eat chocolate anymore. Just like that. I wanted to live a long healthy life, and completely eliminating my chocolate in-take was a small step in the process. But instead of supporting me like any nice family would, everyone just laughed at me. They said I would last 3 days, a week max, before I caved and had a Kit-Kat or something. Well ha! The joke’s on you, because 10 years later I’m still not eating chocolate. Score that Mike 1, Family 0. Yes I realize that chocolate is delicious and awesome, but so is being a man of principle. And when I said I wasn’t going to eat chocolate anymore, I meant it.
I know what you’re thinking, “Mike, I’ve seen you eat chocolate before. There’s no way this is true. You’re just shaking my tailfeather right now.” Oh really? You’ve actually SEEN me eat chocolate before? When? Where? What was I wearing in this imaginary moment in time? Did I look fresh? Obviously I did, but that doesn’t mean it happened. Seriously, next time someone puts a plate of brownies in front of me, watch how not excited I get compared to everyone else. I don’t eat anything with chocolate. Nothing. Chocolate cake? Nope. Charleston Chews? Snickers? Cocoa Puffs? Negativo. And the worst part is when I’m eating a Hoodsie and can only eat the vanilla half. I mean, those cups are already small enough. The fact that I have the will-power to only eat half is pretty hard body.
Actually, I’m not gonna say I don’t eat ANYTHING with chocolate in it. That’s a little strong. There are two exceptions: Chocolate-chip cookies and chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream (which is really just a cookie in its natural state, with ice cream). The reason I decided to start eating chocolate-chip cookies was mostly because of social norms. Like, you can’t just go through life not eating chocolate-chip cookies and expect to go places. It was already bad enough that I refused brownies when people made them for me, and I didn’t want to be the weird kid who didn’t eat chocolate-chip cookies either. Once I made this decision, eating chocolate-chip cookie dough was logically the next step in the progression.
What’s the point of this story? Well, two years ago I quit the Fantasy football league that the All-Stars and I had been doing for years. This was also a tough decision, because our football/basketball/baseball leagues are a lot of fun. You can say a lot of things about my friends, but don’t for one second say we don’t know how to do fantasy sports. Because we do. And it’s not like we have $100 entry fees or anything like that (I mean, we are talking about a group who, for the past 6 years, has never played a game of poker with more than 10-20 cent blinds. Not to mention that whenever someone has the audacity to raise to 40 cents before the flop, the collective groan from everyone else can be heard a mile away). But for the most part, everyone keeps up with their teams pretty closely and there are a lot of trades, so it’s a good time.
And then of course, there’s the draft. Fantasy drafts are pretty much the greatest thing ever invented. I’m pretty sure they would win the Awesome Game. (For those of you that haven’t played the Awesome Game, it’s a game where everyone writes like 3 things that are awesome on little pieces of paper and puts them in a hat. Once you have all the Awesome Things, you set it up like a March Madness bracket and people discuss/vote on which thing is more awesome, and then eventually there’s one winner. Usually it’s something sexual, like “insertion,” but I’m hard-pressed to think of something right now that’s more awesome than a Fantasy draft).
Anyway, we officially started doing Fantasy drafts the right way, live and in-person, during sophomore year of high school. It was a cold day in March, but everyone was pumped because we were going to do our Fantasy baseball draft at school, instead of conducting the draft online. We convinced Coach Kane to let us use his classroom, so as soon as last period was over, it was straight to the War Room. Let’s be honest here, for 179 out of the 180 days every year, the reason I ultimately got out of bed and went to school was so I could flirt with girls and try to get my mack on. But for this 1 day, girls were the last thing on my mind. Class was simply more time to go over draft sheets, and lunch was time to negotiate trades. Kane’s room was perfect. We all had a computer, we had the Big Board. I think Calvin played Vanna White. Some kid tried to draft Mark Prior in the 15th round. It was just a great time, and it set us on the correct path of doing all of our drafts that way. I can’t even count the number of drafts we’ve had since then, but each time they never disappoint.
So considering all this, why is the infatuation with Fantasy sports wearing off? Or at least with football and baseball? Let’s start with football. I was losing my mind on Sundays and wasn’t able to enjoy the games at all. Constantly having to root for Reggie Wayne took a toll on me, so I quit. Now, I sit down on the couch every Sunday and I’m able to watch the Second Best League on the Planet without any attachment. And I love it. Plus, when you really think about it, football is probably the WORST sport to do fantasy for. Individual player statistics really have nothing to do with the outcome of the game. Yes, it’s easy to keep track of your team because you only need to set your lineup once a week. But I hate how there’s just so much luck involved with the draft. Oh, you got Arian Foster in the 8th round and now you’re winning the league. Congrats, bro. How many 8th round draft picks ever become a top fantasy player in basketball? Answer: Zero.
As for baseball, it’s also just way too unpredictable. You don’t win your Fantasy baseball league by drafting well. You win your Fantasy baseball league by watching SportsCenter, seeing that Jose Bautista is off to a decent start this season, and then adding him as a free agent before anyone else does. And then 54 home runs later, you try to play it off like you actually know something. It’s the worst. You win Fantasy baseball by just staying on top of it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the time for that. These blogs aren’t gonna write themselves.
Fantasy basketball doesn’t work that way. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Chris Paul, Lebron James and Dwight Howard will probably be the best fantasy players this year. And guess what? I’m right. People say they like playing fantasy sports because they get to play the role of GM. Well if you really want that chance, play fantasy basketball. It really is about assembling the best team possible. You basically know what everyone’s stats are going to be. But it’s up to you to balance your roster and everything. Do I sacrifice rebounds and blocks for assists and steals? Or do I load up on big men and hope I can add scoring guards later on? Those are legitimate questions that you ask yourself as a Fantasy basketball owner. Occasionally you’ll have someone like Jamal Crawford have a great season out of nowhere, but it’s not like he’s affecting the entire league or anything like that. Plus, rotisserie scoring is the standard method for basketball, meaning the best team wins every time. Seriously, is there anything more obnoxious than having to listen to your friend bitch about how unlucky he is with his head-to-head matchups? “I have scored the 2nd most points of anyone in the league, and I’m still 2-3. This is ridiculous.” Don’t be that guy. Play Fantasy basketball.
This past August, my friends tried to convince me to play Fantasy football again. I’m sure that won’t be the last time. “C’mon Mike, we’re getting the league back together. Just play this year.” Sorry guys, not budging. I haven’t had a brownie in 10 years. What makes you think I’ll succumb to peer pressure on this?
