Halloween is my favorite day of the year. It’s really not even close. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to dress up. Themed-parties. Camp Talent Shows. Wednesdays. You name it, I’ll dress up for it. So naturally, I can’t get enough Halloween. It just does it for me. There was actually a brief 2-year stretch when New Year’s Eve was the day I looked forward to most, but that ended when Officer Izzy pulled the plug on having fun. Now October 31 is back in the driver’s seat, and until I’m 40 and am forced to sit at home and pass out Snickers to little Rugrats, I expect it to stay there.
Not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve kinda been on a roll with my costumes the past two years. A spot-on Sanka from Cool Runnings, including the dreads and the full-body Olympic bobsledding suit. And then a brilliantly executed Lil Wayne costume with the dreads and tattoos (Some of my friends gave me the business for wearing that dreads wig twice in a row like some asshole. Whoa, sorry guys. I paid like 50 bucks for those dreads. Just trying to depreciate that shit over multiple years. Not my fault you don’t understand what that means).
A few weeks ago I came up with another stellar idea: Cristiano Ronaldo. The similarities are endless. Got that tall, dark and handsome thing going for us that girls seem to love. Kim Kardashian plays/played a significant role in our lives. Both hate Chelsea, F.C. Both are fashionistas in our own right. I admit there is one small, tiny difference on the soccer pitch: Ronaldo really is a natural winger, whereas I sometimes prefer to get high and central and even play from the striker position. But other than that, we’re basically the same person. Not to mention I already have his jersey (I’m sure he has mine, too), so it’s really a no-brainer.
My overall philosophy in life is that when you do things, you need to do them 100%. Nothing half-hearted. That’s why I love Tiger Woods. So if I’m going to be Cristiano Ronaldo, I’m going to BE CRISTIANO RONALDO. That means I’m going to be dressed from head-to-toe in replica soccer apparel. That means I’m going to convince a bunch of girls to walk around with me all night (probably call ‘em Vucci’s Hoochies, or something cute like that). And that means I’m gonna get my hair did so it looks just like him. I’m gonna grow out the mullet in the back, and the day before Halloween I’ll shave the sides of my head and then gel everything else up top.
Well here’s my dilemma: My hair is like 3 weeks ahead of me right now. Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t be a big deal. I’d just put on a hat and call it a day. But since the entire accounting world is after me like a pack of wolves, I need to be looking my Don Draper-best in these interviews. And my hair is officially too long to wear to an interview now.
So now what? I’m probably gonna have to get that haircut tomorrow. 19 days could be enough time to grow it back. Or maybe I just call up my boy Cristiano and have him buzz his whole head, and then I’m set.
