Continuing with our lives

Ok, I realize I haven't been keeping up with the story. A quick update though. The Sophomores defeated the Rookies 125-111 over NBA All Star Weekend. Tom went off and dropped 42 points. Calvin dished out 14 assists, too. Sam was arrested for a DUI en route to the 3-point Contest and was consequently disqualified. Also, as we head into the final month of the season, many of the Albermarle All Stars' teams are still in the playoff hunt. We'll see how it plays out.

WOOOO We Had a Party!!!

Here’s what we learned at 2 Luries 1 Keg last night:

1. Everyone obviously reads my blog. And I don’t say this just because people kept asking me how I ascended to the top of the blogosphere so quickly. The reason I’m saying this is because there were a ton of girls there last night. Two days ago I made a comment about how we only hang out with 3.5 girls, and how I thought it would be a good idea for all the guys to bring a date to Mitch’s. Well ask and you shall receive, because it was ladies’ night for sure. Like, I’m dead serious when I say the last time I was in a room with so many girls was over a month ago when I did yoga at the BC gym.

2. Girls will believe anything you tell them.

Girl: Mike! Mike! So who are these 3.5 girls you’re talking about? Who is the .5 of a girl? Am I the .5? Is she the .5? Who are the 3? Who Mike? WHO???

Me: Uhhhh, no, of course you’re not the .5. You’re definitely one of the 3. C’mon, you really think I’d do that to you?

Girl: Ok good. Just wanted to be sure of that. Do you want to go upstairs and make out or something?

I lost track of how many times I had this exact same conversation last night. Probably close to double-digits though.

3. If someone sticks a gun to my head and says I have to go win a Beer Olympics with only two Lurie men on my team, Mitch shouldn’t even bother getting out of bed. Seriously Mitch, have a drink or something. Every time I turn around I see your brother doing a keg stand or your dad flipping cups. Feel free to get involved buddy.

4. I almost feel bad for writing this because I love Brenny and I think he is the man, but Brooke is definitely leaving him for me. Probably within the next few weeks, too. For some reason we had never officially officially met until last night, which is weird considering she knows all of our other friends. But now it makes sense why Brenny shielded her from me for so long. Brooke just couldn’t get enough of me. Eating up all my jokes. Sitting next to me in the car. Constantly asking about my blog. I tried to refuse when she offered me her drink at the bar, but the woman knows what she wants. So, Brenny, consider this my apology in advance. And Brooke, I’ll be waiting for you to accept my friend request.

Raising the Stakes

So last night I’m minding my own business, listening to “Bad Romance” in the shower like I usually do, when out of nowhere, I’m reminded of something very strange. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but they definitely serve Rice Pudding at Pino’s. It costs $3.00. And I’m pretty sure it’s written on a cardboard box that’s taped to the wall or something. Don’t quote me on that, though. I know I could just go downstairs and check right now, but there’s this really old smelly guy that sits on our front steps and I’m afraid to get too close to him. Anyway, I’m putting it out there now. The next game we play at Albermarle; losers order the Rice Pudding at Pino’s and eat it with smiles on their faces.

Funny Kids Best Dunk Contest at Washington Wizards Game

Do I really need to point out the obvious in this video?

Letter to the All-Stars

Dear Albermarle All-Stars,

I have a bone to pick with all of you. See, normally when guys graduate high school, they overcome all of their awkward tendencies and begin socializing with girls more frequently. For some reason, you guys seem to have gotten it backwards. You were actually really cool in high school. House parties on the reg. Booze. Girls. Glory Week. Wiffle Ball City. Craziness. Remember that night in Barre when everyone was playing Truth or Dare in the hot tub? Girls couldn’t wait to get naked and run around outside the house. What ever happened to those days? Now we’re lucky if we can get them to come out to Mary Ann’s with us. I realize the world was a simpler place back then, I really do. No responsibilities. No student loans on the books. No guilty feeling over how much you love “California Gurls,” despite the fact that Snoop Dogg has been reduced to rapping about bikinis, zucchinis, martinis and no weenies. Times certainly have changed. But that’s really no excuse. You guys literally hang out with 3.5 girls now. Literally 3.5! If an alien was sent to this planet to observe your group of friends for a few weeks, it probably comes to the conclusion that they either don’t exist, or Brenny eats them all and that’s why he’s so much taller than the rest of you. That’s not the impression we want to be giving off, boys.

Quick! Think about the fun nights you have had this summer. How long did it take before you thought of Dude’s Night at Mitch’s? Probably not very long. That night was so epic! First, you watched Elf, starring Will Ferrell and that bitch Zooey Deschanel. Remember when Buddy gets hit by that car? Hi-larious. Then you iced Calvin with an ice that…get this…he bought himself! Hys-terical. Then you drank so much beer that you had to buy a SECOND CASE. And Calvin topped off the night by rolling around on the floor with Tom for a while. Wow, the sun never sets on cool, guys. Keep it up!

So this Friday at Mitch’s, I challenge you to spice things up a bit. Bring a girl to the party. Doesn’t have to be cute. Doesn’t have to be single. Just a girl that likes to have a good time and make bad decisions. Quinn, maybe you invite that chick from MA’s. Mitch couldn’t have tossed you an easier alley-hoop than that. It’s time to slam it home.


Sincerely,

The 2007 version of yourself

Rosters announced for Sophomore-Rookie Game

Sophomores:

PG: John Wall, Washington Wizards. No surprise here, the freshman sensation at Kentucky has been everything as advertised. It’s a point guard’s league right now, and Wall is well on his way to Top 5 status.

SG: Xavier Henry, Memphis Grizzlies. A travesty he went 12th overall in the 2010 draft. This blogger had him ranked as the second best player in his class behind Wall. A cross between Tayshaun Prince and Joe Johnson, he already has established himself as a top shooting guard in the league.

SF: Al-Farouq Aminu, Los Angeles Clippers. A Wake Forest product. Lasted two years in that hell-hole, unlike Mike who bailed after just the one. Still needs to refine his offensive game, but the raw talent is there. Provides great rebounding from the 3 position.

PF: Derrick Favors, Brooklyn Bridge. Finally, we get to see what he can do with teammates who can get him the ball in the favorable post positions. Defensively he’s a monster, too. The best big man to enter the league since Dwight Howard.

C: DeMarcus Cousins, Sacramento Kings. Has been a complete beast all year. Will never be much more than a 15-10 guy, but it looks like he’ll be putting up those numbers consistently for the next 10 years.

Bench: Evan Turner, Philadelphia 76ers. Gordon Hayward, Utah Jazz. Greg Monroe, Detroit Pistons. Cole Aldrich, Oklahoma City Thunder. Eric Bledsoe, Los Angeles Clippers. Andy Rautins, New York Knicks.


Rookies:

PG: Cal, LA Lakers. (I’m really debating whether or not to make a “Derek Fisher’s kid got cancer again and Calvin took advantage” joke right here). Nah, let’s go with this: Every time Cal shoots a free throw, he puts on his SAE shades, waves to Jack and all the other courtside celebs, asks the ref for a “rack,” then takes the shot.

SG: Jamie, Miami Heat. Has only showed up hammered for 2 games this season, in which he scored 21 and 19 points. Is averaging 9.3 points in all other sober games.

SF: Farina, Brooklyn Deckers. Avery Johnson was upset with his top draft pick for choosing Garden City Baseball Camp over the NBA Summer League, but whatever works for ya, right?

PF: Quinn, Golden State. Leads all rookies in scoring with 16.4 ppg. What little street cred he had, though, has completely disappeared since he started hanging out with Jeremy Lin.

C: Brenny, NY Knicks. Started immediately for the Knicks and has been serviceable all season. Has improved his offensive game. Likes pulling pranks on Danilo Gallinari, such as telling him this is the best place to pick up chicks in New York.

Bench: Mike, Portland Trail Blazers. Mitch, Sacramento Kings. Tom, Boston Celtics. Dave Robb, San Antonio Spurs. Jesse, Phoenix Suns.

*Sam Hyatt not selected for Rookies but will be participating in the 3-point contest.

Saturday Afternoon

So last week we had a nice little game of pick-up at Albermarle (obviously). Since it was mad hot outside we decided to get some slushes and hit up Crystal Lake after. For those of you that don’t know, there’s this candy shop next to Sweet Tomatoes in West Newton. I knew it was bad news from the get-go because nothing good ever happens in West Newton. It’s like the Cleveland of Newton. Anyway, you know that Bank of America on the corner? A police officer yelled at me for selling Monster Jam tickets to some guy from Craigslist. He said something about it being a “Gateway Transaction.” And you know the Dunkies across the street? Smashed the Dyer-mobile into it with Ben and Seth, no big deal. Don’t worry about killing us Mr. Lewis, it’s not like I would go on to write the world’s funniest blog or anything. Not to mention you sent my friend to the hospital with an increased heart rate (I tried to tell Seth it was just adrenaline, but he wouldn’t buy it). But anyway, you see what I’m saying here, that area is just the worst. So it shouldn’t really have surprised me when the guy working there NEEDED 30 MINUTES TO SERVE 4 SLUSHES! He literally would scrape the thing 15 times before he thought he had enough to dispense into the cup. It probably didn’t help that the four of us were all hovering over him, giving him the Papelbon stare-down. I also love how we all ordered the largest size available, even though we could see the damage it was doing to him. In the end, he only filled them up halfway and there was nothing we could do about it.

Flash forward to yesterday when we finish ballin’ and go back to the same store. You can probably imagine the look on Apu’s face when the six of us walk in. Just pure devastation. Like he knew immediately he wouldn’t be jacking off later that night. Jamie goes first and it’s readily apparent that this guy hasn’t been working on his game in the past week. 2 minutes to put the latex gloves on. Another 5 to fill up the cup. Jesus Christ. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Luckily, someone comes up with the genius idea of going to the super market and buying a huge container of Ritchies. We actually drove to the grocery store in the Lake, bought everything we needed, drove back across town to Newton Centre, and I’m willing to bet on Farina’s life that it was the faster of the two options. Then we plopped our asses down on the ground at Crystal Lake and each had about five full cups of watermelon slush. Then went for swim. What a day!

Side note: We all took separate cars on this little adventure. As I’m walking from my car to Crystal Lake, I see Quinn drive by the side-street that we all usually park on. Whatever, maybe he’s going to the next street, or perhaps turning around. But then once we’re all there, we realize that Quinn has the spoons and the cups. We conclude that he definitely messed up and went to the legal side of the lake. Not a big deal. But then we call him and he says he had to stop by his house real quick. Don’t give me that cock and bull story! You thought we were going to swim with the kindergartners. Say what you will about Big Baby, at least he can admit when he fucked up.

The Zack Trubow Conspiracy

If there’s one thing I hate in this world, it’s when people quote Bill Simmons verbatim and try to pass it off as their own idea. Not because I feel the need to defend Bill Simmons (even though I listen to his podcast every night before I go to sleep), but rather because it outright proves you know nothing about sports. You’ll just be sitting around watching T.V. and some moron will say something like “The ZombieSonics are set for the next 10 years. Durant is the ultimate alpha dog.” How do you respond to that? It’s literally the most obnoxious thing ever, and unfortunately it happens all the time. The first few times it happened I just nodded along and didn’t make a big deal of it, even though I could tell this person really didn’t know anything about sports. Kinda like how we all react when Jesse starts rambling on about environmental economics. Like in our head we give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s our friend and we really don’t know what the fuck goes on in Burlington. But deep down we feel a little sorry for him because he’s taking crazy pills and he doesn’t even know it.

Anyway, now I’ve started calling people out on it. “Really? David Stern asked MJ to take a hiatus due to his gambling problem? And you know this, how? You were 4 years old when that happened. Get the fuck out of my house.” Ah yes, the Michael Jordan gambling conspiracy, the most common form of Bill Simmons plagiarism. That David Stern asked Michael to go away for a few years so he wouldn’t be forced to suspend him. Hello! Can we think about how ridiculous this sounds! Suspend the greatest player ever because he gambles a lot? I mean, I guess it’s not the most admirable of traits to have, but gambling is essentially legal. Granted, the MJ retirement is a bit fishy, and I don’t really know what went down. But there’s really no evidence of this happening.

So considering all this, do you really expect me to believe that Zack Trubow is leaving Wentworth due to an unsettled gambling debt with Coach Raj? I know I blogged earlier that some reports were leaking this story, but I’m calling shenanigans. I’m willing to bet on it (no pun intended but totally intended, thanks Pres). Zack’s taking his talents to Roma because supposedly Raj won’t play him until he hands over the cash money? No, no, no siree. This is the reverse MJ conspiracy, and Melanie Hill is 100% involved. Zack is the star basketball player living on campus. Mel is done with college and living on her own. All the girls want Zack. Blah, blah, blah, you know how it goes. It’s Jamie and Turtle all over again. Mel realizes if Zack goes to Europe to play, she can go too. So congratulations Zack, now you’re in Italy. Too bad your nuts are somewhere in Mel’s purse. Enjoy the meatballs!

BREAKING NEWS

Zack Trubow is leaving Wentworth and taking his talents to Italy. In his press conference, Zack cited the success of Brandon Jennings as an influence on his decision. However, early reports are that a gambling dispute between Zack and Coach Raj is what caused the divorce. I’ll blog more when new information surfaces.

Also, through the power of super-agent Jet Striar, Calvin forced a trade from Sacramento to the Los Angeles Lakers. Sacramento acquired newly-signed PG Steve Blake in the deal. When asked why he wanted to play for the Lakers, Calvin responded, “Two words: Frat colors, brah.”

Draft Day

I appreciate all the positive feedback from the player profiles. I know I’ve been told I need to be more of an asshole and write more honestly about how bad we all are at basketball. That was originally my intention. But if we all suck then that will be the end of our careers, and then the story is over. However, I will try to take more direct shots at people whenever possible. For example, when I previously wrote that Brenny could make bank as the lawyer in my first divorce, I clearly meant Calvin’s first divorce. I just didn’t pull the trigger. Because in all seriousness, Calvin will not only be married by age 23, he will also be divorced before any of us take the plunge. Yes, this includes before Mitch ever-so-romantically mumbles to Sarah, “Uhh...so...would you....uhhh....marrymeplease?” Can’t wait til that one goes down. Not gonna lie though, I feel a little sorry for Sarah in this situation. I mean, it’s basically a 100% guarantee that Mitch buys the ring on ebay. And when he has the chance to pawn it off to someone on Craigslist at a slight markup, he’s definitely asking for it back, right?

Anyway, for those of you wondering what’s next for the Albermarle All-Stars, Draft Day has finally arrived. Mitch, Quinn and Farina were the only ones invited to New York. All were projected lottery picks. Quinn spent a fortune on his suit and looks very dapper. Mike was pissed he didn’t get the call, but David Stern couldn’t afford one of his new employees to suffer a career-ending injury while walking up on stage. Mike understood.

Eleven out of the twelve Albermarle All-Stars were projected to be drafted. Trubow, unfortunately, has not yet completed a year of college, and therefore is not eligible to enter the draft (Yes, I know it’s actually an age minimum. This is the “Trubow is 21 and entering freshman year joke.” It’s called funny). Zack will be playing for Division 5 powerhouse Wentworth Institute of Technology, under new rookie coach, Raj. Also worth mentioning, Tom wanted to return to Arizona as a super senior, but after hiring Ben Dyer as his agent, he can no longer return to school.

Anyway, here’s how it all played out:

Farina - #3 to the Brooklyn Ballers (formerly the New Jersey Nets)
Added the best player on the board and fulfilled a need. That’s what you want with the third overall pick. Gives the Ballers the small forward they needed, no offense Chris Douglas-Roberts. With Brook Lopez and Derrick Favors sure to both receive double-teams in the post, Farina will get his fair share of looks. Will be asked to fill LeBron’s role as Jay-Z’s butt buddy, but for some reason I just don’t see it happening.

Mitch - #5 to Sacramento Kings
Well, Mitch does love purple so I guess this works. Ready to slide right into the starting lineup in either the 2 or 3 spot, with Tyreke Evans still running the point. Should be able to beat out foreigners Omri Casspi and Ben Udrih for the majority share of minutes, but will need to shoot at a high percentage if he’s going to keep that starting spot as a rookie. I worry about the influence DeMarcus Cousins will have on his work ethic, though.

Quinn - #6 to Golden State Warriors
What a surprise! The Warriors select a lengthy player with incredible offensive ability who needs to work on defense and toughness. I still love the pick. Maybe the most upside of anyone in this draft. With Quinn in the 3/4 hybrid wing position, Stephon Curry at the 2, and David Lee in his prime, this is going to be a tough team to stop. Also I’m really liking their new look.http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/ball_dont_lie/post/Upgrade-Golden-State-brings-back-the-bridge?urn=nba,249317

Mike - #14 to Portland Trail Blazers
A very good pick as Andre Miller enters the final year of his contract. Mike should be ready to assume the starting position by his second season, although he should average 15-20 minutes per game this season. Can’t wait to see what playing next to Brandon Roy does for his game. Also can’t wait to see what standing next to Greg Oden in the locker room does for his confidence.

Hyatt - #19 to Atlanta Hawks
First Katrina, then the oil spill. Now the New Orleans Hornets pass on the local boy with the #18 pick. Talk about devastation. But Atlanta finally adds a potential small forward to replace Marvin Williams and simply put that horrendous pick behind them. Sam’s friends are excited about his relocation to the ATL though, as they are hopeful the Lil Wayne obsession will finally end and they can start listening to Ludacris, Outkast and B.o.B.

Jesse - #21 to Phoenix Suns
A great fast-paced system for Jesse. Can play shooting guard and backup Steve Nash at the point. Should learn a lot from Nash in his final years as a pro. Definitely see the two of them getting along. Both like to grow their hair out from time to time, both have earthy diets, both like soccer. Could be the start of a great friendship. Also I’m ready to hear some Jared Dudley stories, who secretly is the funniest man in the NBA. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJo9aDjEZDs&feature=related

Dave Robb - # 24 to San Antonio Spurs
Was I right about the Tim Duncan comparison or was I right about the Tim Duncan comparison? The Spurs seem to think so, and have named Dave Robb as the heir apparent to his throne. Unfortunately it looks like San Antonio is heading toward a decade of misery as its Big Three declines more and more each year. Good luck Dave.

Brenny - #32 to New York Knicks
David Stern: “With the 32nd pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the New York Knicks select...Brendan Vaughn.” And the Knicks fans at Radio City Music Hall erupt!!! The savior has arrived! Lebron Who??? Spike Lee has stripped down to his underwear and just ran on stage to give Brenny a hug! Random strangers are making celebratory babies in the aisles! The crowd has completely lost its mind! Actually no they haven’t. They don’t care at all. Have fun in the Big Apple Brenny.

Jamie - # 33 to Miami Heat via Minnesota Timberwolves
The Miami Heat trade up to select Jamie early in the second round. They pick up a shooter who can also backup D-Wade. I think it’s safe to say that Jamie ends up with the most championship rings of any of the Albermarle All-Stars. My prediction is that Wade and Bosh eventually get sick of Lebron and start taking Jamie out with them. Then Wade realizes he’ll get more pussy if he leaves Bosh’s ugly ass at home. So basically Wade and Jamie are just going to Eiffel Tower all of South Beach for the next 5 years.

Calvin - #35 to Sacramento Kings
“Ohh It's the we don't drink Jager crew! What up E?!” Remember that episode of Entourage when the boys keep running into Seth Green in Vegas and he repeatedly asks Eric to say what up to Sloan? This scenario is definitely playing out at some point in Calvin’s life, right? Like, when Calvin, Mitch, Tyreke and DeMarcus take a weekend trip to Vegas next year, Calvin almost certainly runs into some famous pint-size celebrity that used to bang his girl. For some reason I think it will be Tobey Maguire, just a hunch. Then Calvin goes all “tough-guy” mode and acts like he’s gonna kick Spidey’s ass. Mitch and DeMarcus hold Cal back like he’s actually gonna do something, and then the whole situation settles down when Tyreke leaves with four hunnies on his arm and everyone follows. Good pick for the Kings.

Tom - #38 to Cleveland Cavaliers, outright refuses to ever sign with them, and forces trade to Boston Celtics
So here’s how it goes down: Tom immediately calls his agent Ben and declares he’ll never play for that loose cannon Dan Gilbert. Ben, however, doesn’t even know Tom still plays basketball, never mind who Dan Gilbert is. Truth be told, Ben wasn’t really paying attention when he agreed to be Tom’s agent. He thought Tom just wanted some t-shirts made or something. Anyway, Tom fills him in on the details and Ben shrugs and half-heartedly agrees to take care of it. Classic Ben. Ben makes a few phone calls and, badabing badaboom, Tom is now on the Celtics. No word yet on what the Celts plan to do with Scal now that T-Bird fulfills the white Irish quota.

Tom

NBA Comparison: Lamar Odom

Favorite Move: Turn-around jumper

Bio: Yup yup oh ya. How’s ya burger? What’s ya flava? The man they call T-Bird simply knows how to get it done. Having already achieved honorary mush status by age 19, Tom didn’t stop there. Nope. His next step was to usurp Calvin from his Centre Acres throne. Now he basically owns the place. But besides being a camp legend, Tom is just an athlete. With a rocket-arm comparable to Jamarcus Russell’s (Tom and Jamarcus coincidentally both enjoy smoking weed and eating pizza), Tom would have been an NFL quarterback in a perfect world. When he’s not ballin’, Tom likes to hit up Mary Ann’s and order the crab meat from D&A.

Strengths: Phenomenally quick release on his jump shot. Ray Allen-like. Enables him to get his shot off wherever he likes. Prefers the turn-around jumper coming off of screens, but if he’s feeling it will step back and knock down the 3. Can single-handedly carry a team by getting hot at the right time. Good body allows him to bang around inside, too.

Must improve: Scouts are looking for assertiveness in his game. His care-free attitude is too apparent on the court. Also needs to develop interior game.

Brenny

NBA Comparison: Shaquille O’Neal

Favorite Move: The Put Back

Bio: “Shaq-tastic: 29 Points” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lfg0--GbjVI) Like the Big Diesel, Brenny truly is a man among boys. And what’s even more impressive, he doesn’t even have any formal basketball training. More of a Lax Bro born with the inherent tendency to dominate. But despite his beast-mode capabilities on the court, Brenny has a soft spot, too. In his free time, Brenny keeps it real by watching TrueBlood, going to Walpole for some reason, and studying for the LSAT’s so he can someday make bank off my first divorce.

Strengths: Let’s just say Brenny has a lot of strength. An unstoppable rebounder, he grabs everything off the glass. This allows his teammates to take ill-advised 3’s because they know Brenny will easily get the board and score on the put back. Incredibly persistent. Doesn’t settle for anything less than 2 points once he gets the ball in his hands. An above-average passer, too. Will find open teammates after absorbing double and triple coverage. Defensively, a game changer who alters the way opponents attack the rim.

Must improve: Needs to develop some post moves if he’s going to succeed at the next level against opponents his size.

Jesse

NBA Comparison: Russell Westbrook

Favorite Move: Mid-range jumper

Bio: Will scouts be concerned that one day Jesse will suddenly stop playing basketball because a cow was slaughtered in order to make the ball? I’ll give you a hint: they already are. But that doesn’t mean this UVM product doesn’t have what it takes. An accomplished soccer player and Blue Ribbon delivery boy, Jesse has enough talent to simply roll out of bed, walk across the street, and tear it up on the court. When he’s not getting to the business of basketball, Jesse likes to avoid showering as much as possible, drink fine liquors while playing poker, and more recently, has taken to riding his bike everywhere which drastically delays everything because his friends use things we like to call cars.

Strengths: Superior speed and agility. A very cheeky player who uses his intelligence along with his great athleticism. Loves to come off screens and knock down shots from the free throw line. Also has a dramatic head-fake that he utilizes to drive to the basket. Will occasionally go for the bank-shot runner from short distance, too. A very solid defender when motivated, and a good teammate with unselfish tendencies. Prefers to past first and be the second option on a team.

Must improve: Needs to put in the work if he’s going to make it at the next level. Jump shot needs to further developing.

Hyatt

NBA Comparison: Paul Pierce

Favorite Move: 3-point shot and driving to the basket

Bio: About three years ago, Sam decided he was taking his talents to New Orleans, and the Green Wave Tide (or something?) haven’t been the same since. He immediately injected life and enthusiasm into this Conference USA basement dweller. With his aggressive rebounding and pinpoint outlet passes, Tulane has blossomed under his guidance. Unfortunately, the Big Green will be losing Hyeezy this upcoming season, as he has his sights set on true stardom with the New Orleans CP3’s. In his free time, Hyatt likes to counsel the Tigers/Titans, hit up Mardi Gras, and pass sobriety tests on Rt. 9.

Strengths: Great Paul Pierce-like game with inside and outside capabilities. Shoots the 3 very well, can hit the mid-range jumper from the elbow, and will destroy smaller defenders inside. Can get very hot, very quickly. A nightmare matchup overall. Quickness and strength when getting to the basket too. Very unselfish player, too, as he always looks to get his teammates involved. Defensively uses his height as an advantage because he has the ability to guard smaller players.

Must improve: Needs to rebound the basketball more consistently by playing more inside, and must demand the ball more in the post.

Jamie

NBA Comparison: Joe Johnson

Favorite Move: Catch-and-shoot from mid-range

Bio: Overcomes the greatest obstacles by usually being the most hungover during games. Jamie doesn’t take shit from anybody, in life and on the court. Arguably the best lifeguard that Camp Chikami has ever seen, this chowdahead leads an army of underage kids in camp softball every week. His talents don’t stop there though, as he is just as good a basketball player. When he’s not wrecking people on the court though, Jamie likes to kick it to Kenny Chesney, play You Got Served, and tell cops to go fuck themselves.

Strengths: If there’s one thing you can bet on, it’s that Jamie Dyer is knocking down the majority of his shots during a basketball game. The kid just doesn’t miss. If you leave him open for even a second, his teammates will find him and he’ll drain it in your eye. Also knows how to put himself in positions to catch and shoot following penetrating drives from teammates. Has improved at getting his own shot off the dribble, too. A good perimeter defender and passer, having Jamie on your team instantly makes you better.

Must improve: Scouts would like to see him fake the shot and drive to the basket at times.

Calvin

NBA Comparison: Aaron Brooks

Favorite Move: Baseline jumper

Bio: Dudes. Beers. Frats. Hoops. Those are the four words I would use to describe Calvin Cestari. I mean, nobody rocks the SAE reversible jersey like he does. Nobody. And have you seen his collection of “The U” apparel? It puts Mitch’s BAPE wardrobe to shame. And if you’re wondering who brought the Sam Summers, just take a wild guess. When he’s not tearing it up on the playground, Calvin likes to spend his time chilling at Centre Acres, slamming Miami bitches (ideally Asian) on the reg, and getting iced with his own ices.

Strengths: With calves like ox, Calvin possesses an incredible vertical leap and rejumpability. His raw athleticism makes him a tough cover for defenders. His hustle on the court is unmatched, as he will weave through traffic until he finds an open spot. His favorite shot is from the baseline. Don’t dare him to shoot, because he will drain that shot consistently. Is a very solid screen setter who knows when to roll to the rim and look for the pass from a teammate.

Must improve: Size. Losing daylight on that one but I’ve seen stranger things. A more finer-tuned 3-point shot would also add to his game.

Trubow

NBA Comparison: Rafer Alston

Favorite Move: Anything streetball

Bio: For all those sports writers that have posed the question, “What if we took our best NBA players and made them into World Cup soccer players?”, let me flip that question around on you. What if we took our best soccer players and turned them into ballers? The answer is Zack Trubow, whatever that means. Zack brings that same Brazilian flair from the soccer pitch to the hardwood, and it’s that unique style that makes him such delight to watch. When Mel allows him to have fun, Zack likes to play poker with his boys, cheer for Arsenal F.C., and show up unannounced at various summer camps.

Strengths: A versatile player with good size. Trubow has many different parts to his game, and will usually go with whatever is working best for him on a particular day. His go-to move is the mid-range jumper, which he effectively shoots over smaller defenders. Zack also has a great post presence and can score easy buckets for his team. But what really gets Zack’s engines going (besides Mel on a Friday night), is the chance to bust out his And 1 Mixtape moves. Play him too close, and Zack will make your head spin with his magic handles. Before you realize what happened, he’s blown by you and is on his way to the rack.

Must Improve: Zack is so cognitively advanced, his mind is usually 2 steps ahead of his body. If he could just work on his fitness so that he was firing on all cylinders, he would be an unstoppable force.

Dave Robb

NBA Comparison: Tim Duncan

Favorite Move: Turn-around hook shot in the paint

Bio: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Big men need to play with their backs to the basket. Seems simple enough, I know. But in this day and age of ESPN and Twitter and Keeping up with the Kardashians, all I see is players trying to make highlight reels. That means slam-dunks. That means 3-pointers. And that means a lack of fundamental basketball. Well Dave Robb is the antidote to all this nonsense, because he plays the game the way it’s supposed to be played. When he’s not giving his best Tim Duncan impersonation on the court, Dave builds houses with his bare hands, drops beats on his radio station, and runs Marathons.

Strengths: A great post-player with a high basketball IQ. Will go to his hook shot consistently, and has recently added a mid-range jumper from the elbow that completely opens up his game. Knows how to establish position in the paint and demand the basketball. His height gives him a great advantage over smaller players, not just in terms of scoring, but also passing over the top to the open man. The best screen setter at Albermarle, Dave makes all of his teammates better. Also a strong rebounder.

Must improve: Would like to see him develop another post move or two, including an up-and-under type move to keep defenders off balance.

Mike

NBA Comparison: Rajon Rondo

Favorite moves: Scoop shot and straight-away 3-pointer

Bio: On the hallowed basketball court at Centre Acres, Mike doesn’t teach children valuable lessons about hard work or team play. No, instead he offers them one simple piece of advice, “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you look when you play the game.” Mike brings that same attitude to the court. Unfortunately, Mike isn't always able to showcase his true talents, as he is always getting injured multiple times each game. Most would attribute all these injuries to him being a bitch, but Mike believes it is his fearless playing style.

Strengths: Great quickness. Loves to take players 1-on-1 and get to the rack. Due to his small stature, Mike has developed a scoop shot that is very hard for defenders to block. Mike is also becoming more effective at finding the open player when the lane gets closed down. Has recently added a 3-point shot to his game which adds another dimension to his game. Still, he prefers to distribute like a true point guard.

Must Improve: Inability to finish layups sometimes ruins the flow of the game for his team. Needs to make those bunnies. Also must improve defensively inside the perimeter.

Joe

NBA Comparison: Dwayne Wade

Favorite Move: Pull up jumper from free throw line

Bio: The only player with a state championship ring on his finger, crowds have been chanting “FARINA, FARINA” for years. Unfortunately, he was sitting at the scorers table, but who’s counting. His experience with the Newton North program is evident in his game, as he has developed little nuances to his game that others can only execute in NBA Live. When he isn't on the court, Joe likes to dress up as the Revolution mascot, set up tents, and throw pool parties at his grandparents' house.

Strengths: Perhaps the best all-around player at Albermarle. A very reliable jump shot. His pull-up jumper from the free throw line is the single hardest move to guard among all Albermarle All-Stars. Great combination of height and quickness. Great vision enables him to pass very effectively. Instinctive on defense and the best rebounder in the league. Almost always matched up against Mitch and/or Quinn, making his task that much more challenging.

Must Improve: Often admits to fatigue and expresses desire to go home even though he lives right across the street. Needs to develop that killer instinct. Too much Lebron and not enough Kobe. Should improve 3-point shot, too.

Dave Quinn

NBA Comparison: Kevin Durant

Favorite Move: Bank Shot

Bio: This soft-spoken, blonde-haired “big man” is one of the most talented players Albermarle has to offer. Having reached the apex of his career in the latter stages of NAA, Dave has fought back over the past few years to reestablish himself as a dominant force. He usually rocks the high socks and solid-colored T’s on the court, which truly suits his throwback style of basketball. In his free time, Quinn likes to take BC football road trips with his dad Joe, juggle mad girls in Spain, and flip burger patties at the RecPlex.

Strengths: Tremendous wingspan and length, unmatched by any of his peers. Very hard to guard when he faces up from the wing, as he has the option to shoot over anyone, drive, or back you down. Consistently makes banks shots that nobody else has even attempted. Sees the court well and is a great passer. Also very unselfish, as he is capable of being the #1 option or deferring to a teammate with the hot-hand.

Must improve: With his length, shot blocking should be a bigger part of his game. Also needs to show more tenacity underneath the rim.

Mitch

NBA Comparison: Carmelo Anthony

Favorite Move: Corner 3/Drive from the Baseline with reverse layup

Bio: There are very few certainties in this crazy world, but one thing you can be sure of is that Mitchell Lurie is sending out a mass text around 2pm on a weekday. He is the unquestionable leader of the group, both logistically, and on the court. While everyone else is off at work trying to make a lousy buck, Mitch is in the gym working on his game. He doesn’t have time for no shenanigans. And when everyone else shows up at 6pm, Mitch is there at 5:30 making jump shots. When he isn’t working on his game, Mitch likes to spend his time watching The Wire with his girlfriend Sarah, getting his swell on at the gym, and stealing from people on Craigslist.

Strengths: Almost impossible to guard 1-on-1. Can take smaller players inside and post them up, and will escape bigger, slower defenders and find the open 3-pointer. Makes his living in the corners. Shoots a great percentage from 3-point range, but if you cheat, he will blow right by you on the baseline and go for his patented reverse layup. A great killer instinct also helps, too. Defensively, he is annoying but effective, as he will take advantage of the fact that nobody can shoot and park his ass in the middle of the key. Considering his demeanor off the court, Mitch is surprisingly a great leader on it, always shouting out encouragement to his teammates, even when they suck.

Must Improve: Lack of a mid-range jumper makes him predictable inside the arc. Defenders must guard against both the shot and the drive when he is behind the line, but once he gets inside, everyone and their mom know he’s going to the hole.