Dear Albermarle All-Stars,
I have a bone to pick with all of you. See, normally when guys graduate high school, they overcome all of their awkward tendencies and begin socializing with girls more frequently. For some reason, you guys seem to have gotten it backwards. You were actually really cool in high school. House parties on the reg. Booze. Girls. Glory Week. Wiffle Ball City. Craziness. Remember that night in Barre when everyone was playing Truth or Dare in the hot tub? Girls couldn’t wait to get naked and run around outside the house. What ever happened to those days? Now we’re lucky if we can get them to come out to Mary Ann’s with us. I realize the world was a simpler place back then, I really do. No responsibilities. No student loans on the books. No guilty feeling over how much you love “California Gurls,” despite the fact that Snoop Dogg has been reduced to rapping about bikinis, zucchinis, martinis and no weenies. Times certainly have changed. But that’s really no excuse. You guys literally hang out with 3.5 girls now. Literally 3.5! If an alien was sent to this planet to observe your group of friends for a few weeks, it probably comes to the conclusion that they either don’t exist, or Brenny eats them all and that’s why he’s so much taller than the rest of you. That’s not the impression we want to be giving off, boys.
Quick! Think about the fun nights you have had this summer. How long did it take before you thought of Dude’s Night at Mitch’s? Probably not very long. That night was so epic! First, you watched Elf, starring Will Ferrell and that bitch Zooey Deschanel. Remember when Buddy gets hit by that car? Hi-larious. Then you iced Calvin with an ice that…get this…he bought himself! Hys-terical. Then you drank so much beer that you had to buy a SECOND CASE. And Calvin topped off the night by rolling around on the floor with Tom for a while. Wow, the sun never sets on cool, guys. Keep it up!
So this Friday at Mitch’s, I challenge you to spice things up a bit. Bring a girl to the party. Doesn’t have to be cute. Doesn’t have to be single. Just a girl that likes to have a good time and make bad decisions. Quinn, maybe you invite that chick from MA’s. Mitch couldn’t have tossed you an easier alley-hoop than that. It’s time to slam it home.
Sincerely,
The 2007 version of yourself
