Albies Recap, whatever

The Second Annual Albie Awards took place Friday, Sept. 2 in front of a capacity crowd of 20 in Tom’s basement. And for the second straight year, Mitch stole the show, aka drank the most. Here are some of the highlights of night:

Best tiebreaker: Giving the MVP A-Gourd outright to Quinn because Joey was not there to claim his share of the award. No offense Joe, but you really think you’re good looking enough to get into Wonder Bar? Because I gave up on that years ago.

Best idea that obviously I came up with: Albermarle All-Star jerseys. Ben still works at Radnor Printing right?

Greatest opportunity cost: The Stanley Cup being at MA’s. Still stings a little bit.

Best tweet: @MikeSalvucci: “Let’s get this thing going. BC law students don’t have all night. #albies.” Classic Mike right there. Just classic. Seriously, these BC guys all think they’re the fucking toast of the town. Like, no, I can’t possibly order Buffalo wings with you guys because I’m on call tomorrow. I’m getting the steak tips instead… Give me a break. You know when I was on call? Every day since 2008 because that’s what happens in college.

Arrogant observation of the night: Quinn, for his “For some reason all my awards have to do with me looking good” remark. Honestly, this kinda confirms my suspicions. Dude’s obsessed with himself. Seriously Dave, go change your Profile Pic another 12 times this week.

Lamest running joke: Mike only making like 5 appearances all summer. LOL so funny! Seriously, never heard that one before. Sorry I’m a provider and work for a living. NERDS.

Most noteworthy irrelevant attendee: Brady’s friend. PHEW! At first I was worried that transferring from Wake Forest would mean I would miss out on meeting tons of girls. But clearly Brady is bringing them all up to Newton one at a time, so it’s basically like I never left!

Wet blanket of the night: Tom. To be fair, I’m not saying Tom was actually the wettest blanket of all the blankets that were there. But relative to his usual fun-loving self, Tom simply was not feeling the Albies this year. Every so often he would just scream unpleasant words from the back corner. I don’t know if he was just confused because nobody was calling the cops looking for him that night, but something was in the water, for sure.

Embarrassing moment/Under the radar best comment: Zack presenting an award to Kirschner. “There really isn’t a way to measure this. But this award is for someone that does all the tangibles right.” Yeah man, there’s really no way to measure all those tangibles. Points, rebounds, assists. Those aren’t the type of stats that show up in the box score.

Nice moment of the night to be undercut by this blog: Dave Robb giving Mitch the Sportsmanship Award. Sure, it was a really nice gesture for Dave to acknowledge Mitch’s alleged sportsmanship by personally honoring him with this award. But shouldn’t this lead to the obvious question that is, “What is Mitch’s hidden agenda with being such a good sport?” Seriously, how have we gone like 3 years without ever addressing this elephant in the room? Because with the exception of Jamie, no doubt Mitch is the biggest asshole in the group. So something clearly doesn’t add up here.

Personally, I think Mitch should have won the Poor Sportsmanship Award. Seriously, how many times per game will somebody air-ball an off-balance jumper from the corner and then have to listen to Mitch mumble something like, “Good shot. Keep shootin’ em.” Like no offense Mitch, but are you actually an idiot? Like, do you honestly not know anything about basketball? That was a deep, fadeaway jumper that had absolutely zero chance of going in. It’s literally the worst shot a player can attempt. And you’re gonna stand there with your shirt tucked in offering up words of encouragement? I don’t know, seems a little pompous to me.

THE FUTURE OF THE ALBIES

Ok, so I think we can safely say that the Albies are here to stay. Like, I envision us carrying on this tradition well into Calvin’s third divorce. But I think there are a few different directions we can take the Albies. First of all, we definitely need to start doing them while wearing suits, because if you watch Mad Med you obviously know that everything is cooler when you’re wearing a suit. And then, if we really want to get ambitious, maybe we start making a weekend out of the whole thing. Because eventually we’re all going to have jobs and stuff, so maybe this will be a good excuse for everyone to hang out for a few days.

But here’s the real issue facing the Albies: What are we going to do about the MVP A-Gourd? Because there’s no way that we are alternating between Mitch, Joey and Quinn for the next 30 years. Like, sorry basketball is my 5th best sport and it’s all your Number 1’s. If we played pickup soccer, then Trubes and I would alternate every year and maybe once we’d throw Jesse a Lifetime Achievement award. But that’s not the case. It just so happens that we play basketball. Arbitrary shenanigans.

My proposal: The MVP A-Gourd is awarded to the Albermarle All-Star that has the best overall year. And I’m not talking about basketball. I’m talking about life. Get a big promotion? Throw a bachelor party in Vegas? Get over 1 million views on Youtube for something? These are all things that would put you in the running. There wouldn’t be any specific criteria. Just a vote. I don’t want to say I’m on to something, but I’m definitely on to something.

Don't you hate when a light jog accidentally turns into basically a half-marathon?

I honestly wasn’t even planning on going for a run at all on Sunday. But when you’re trying to eat one Buffalo Wing to keep up with every Roethlisberger turnover, you’re obviously gonna take on a few extra calories. So I figured I’d go for a light 3-mile run, just so I wouldn’t feel like the plague all night.

Anyway, I’m on Comm. Ave and literally about to take a right on Centre St. and head home, when I see this chick running like half a mile in front of me. I immediately could tell this girl thought she was all that and a jar of pickles. Basically struttin’ her stuff like she was God’s gift to exercise. You know the type, people who just think they’re the fittest motherfuckers on the planet and they want nothing more than to shove it in your face. Like congratulations bro, your heart pumps blood faster than mine. Now go take your sports bra and all your Marathon swag and get over yourself!

I decided that I had to do something about this situation. Sunday Night Football would just have to wait. I had to pass this girl and teach her that you can’t just come into Newton and act like you own the place. Would most people call me a hero for doing this? Yeah, probably. But somebody’s got to do it, right?.

To give this girl some credit, though, she was flying. Like somewhere around 7:15’s. And after a full day of beer and wings I was starting to wonder if I was really gonna be able to do this. Eventually, though, I get within like 25 yards and she obviously notices because she immediately picks up the pace. Now I know I’m probably in for a dogfight. Again, I start contemplating whether or not I want to make this move. Because, on paper, this girl probably had the slight edge over me. But I kept telling myself, “It’s not the dog in the fight, Mike. It’s the fight in the dog.”

We kept the same steady pace until about Walnut St. when I finally busted out my secret weapon (Natasha Beddingfield’s “Unwritten”) and went for it. Absolutely kicked it into high gear and zoomed right on past her. Didn’t even shoot her a glance to see if she was cute or not. Just kept my eye on the prize and never looked back. Unfortunately, I couldn’t just turn down the next street cause then she would think I was gassed. So I had to keep at it, and the next thing you know, I’m sprinting through Auburndale and my light workout has turned into a fucking 11-mile Tour de Newton Extravaganza.

10 Things I Learned This Summer (Part II)

Here's Part II (6-10):



6. The biggest question facing America right now is, “How will Kris Humphries fit in with the rest of the Kardashian guys? Sure, our credit rating is in the toilet and our unemployment rate is approaching the Mendoza line. Not to mention there’s a natural disaster like every other week and we have no money. What America really wants to know is how this Kris Humphries thing is going to shake out.

In my opinion there’s just no way that Lamar, Scott and Rob can be happy about this. They had such a good thing going. Rob told the jokes. Scott played the pranks. And Lamar brought the swag. Now Kris shows up being all in love and shit and ruins the whole vibe. Like can’t you see Rob and Scott huddled around Lamar being all like, “Next time the Nets come to the Staples Center, you’re gonna flagrant foul his ass so hard even Kobe will feel a little bad.”


7. If you’re gonna break into our apartment and try to steal our shit, you can’t be passing out on the living room floor. Like, c’mon bro, you gotta do a little better than that. I’m no expert on robbing people or anything, but I feel like you got to make out with at least a GameCube in this situation. Something to make it worth your while… Dude made it like 10 steps before he just collapsed right in front of the TV. Honestly, I realize Josh and I aren’t the most intimidating guys on the planet, but if you break into our apartment and pass the fuck out right in front of us, you can bet your bottom dollar we’re probably gonna call the cops.


8. Just because you’re living at home doesn’t mean the refrigerator is stocked. Hey Mom, no offense, but summer vacation is over. Like seriously, it’s time to get your act together. There’s this place in Newtonville, got a bunch of snacks and shit, I think they call it Shaws. Might want to head over there and bop around for a while, see what you come up with…

I’m honestly starting to miss those days when you come back to your apartment at 3am, open up an empty refrigerator, and say to yourself, “Fuck it, I’m getting New Hong Kong.” Because at least in that situation you can chalk it up to survival. People gotta eat. But when you’re sitting in your own house, there’s just no way you can pull the trigger on ordering food at that hour. Just not a path you want to be starting down. Because the next thing you know you’re thinking about how much time you’ll save chopping vegetables with the Magic Bullet and reaching for your credit card.


9. I kinda like sharing beds with dudes. I know, I know… probably shouldn’t be going down this road, given my recent history and everything. But it’s the truth. A few times this summer we had friends over and there simply wasn’t enough room on the couch. And I’m not kidding when I say those nights were some of my best night’s sleep I had. First off, the pillow talk is amazing. “Well yeah, I definitely like Arian Foster. I’m not saying he’s not a Top 5 back, I just think Jamaal Charles is gonna be better this year.” And second of all, unless it’s with Ebram, I don’t have to worry about them trying to cuddle in the middle of the night and waking me up. Seriously, bro, that was a little weird.


10. Donald Glover does a lot of cool shit. I swear to God, if one more person puts on “Freaks and Geeks” and asks me if I watch “Community”, I’m gonna fucking lose my mind. Like, enough already. Dude’s talented. We get it. People literally think they belong at a Talent Agency after making this observation. Drives me up a wall. And actually, while we’re on the subject, can we all just agree that Alison Brie is hot and that we don’t have to talk about that anymore, either? Because that’s usually the conversation that follows the discussion about how hilarious Donald Glover is on “Community.” Seriously, it’s like you’re all robots.

10 Things I Learned This Summer (Part 1)

It’s 10:30pm on a Saturday. Pretty sure my roommates have been in bed for hours. Right now I’m listening to Bedtime Magic. Fucking Jewel just came on. Yup, I think it’s time to get the Blog going again.

Part 1 (1-5):

1. Apparently there are some things that you shouldn’t do once you graduate from college: Wear snapbacks. Go to Mary Ann’s. Bring a backpack to work instead of a shoulder bag. Give daps. Drink Rubinov, except for Mango cause its bomb. Go swimming in the Reservoir. Have an awkward amount of facial hair. Know all the words to “A Milli.” Believe your childhood dreams are still attainable. Facebook chat. Update your status (even if you technically only do it as a pseudo-joke to mock the people who ACTUALLY update their statuses). Say “Get at me.” Buy Nike Air-Maxes. The BBM pose. Care about college sports (Did you care about high school sports when you were in college?) Look forward to Tuesdays. Man, this is getting depressing. Let’s stop here.


2. Izzy was really onto something with that iPhone thing. I mean, seriously, what a second wind for Apple this summer. Can’t even walk down the street without Sarah trying to bump me or Trubow showing me some stupid app I have absolutely no use for. Normally I’ve always had a terrible phone. Just living in the Stone Age when it comes to mobile devices. But even I got myself an iPhone this summer. So if you don’t have one by now, I really don’t know what to tell you.

Here’s my only beef with all you Apple dorks: why hate on FaceTime? It’s a darkhorse best feature on the whole phone! For instance, Josh and I are about to go to the bar. Only thing is, I don’t know if tonight is supposed to be a chill guys night at the bar, or if we’re trying to make moves tonight. Do I wear a T-shirt, or go with a button-down? Sure, I could just ask him. But anyone that has ever had a roommate knows it’s all about mind games. So what do I do? Hit ‘em with the FaceTime. BOOM! Find out he’s going with the striped V-neck sweater. That’s his moneymaker sweater. Means he’s trying to get after it tonight. So I need to be on my game, too. Without FaceTime, I’d probably wear my Crawford shirt or something. And let’s be real, no girl wants to get with a guy reppin’ a .251 hitter with a .286 OBP.

P.S. Thanks to all the people who told me that I would get used to the texting within a couple of days. A couple days, my ass. I’m like 2 seconds away from ending up here (check it out).


3. The Elecktro Lemonade Fishbowl at Tavern literally has no alcohol in it, but I still have no problem paying $20 for it! Ok, let’s be honest. I’m not up for re-election as Governor of MA’s this year. That dog left weeks ago. And the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to realize that Tavern is going to be its official replacement. But what’s the one thing you need to have at your go-to bar? That would be a go-to drink. Before the entire school copied me and started drinking Rum & Coke’s at MA’s, that used to be my jam. Now I’m calling the Elecktro Lemonade my new signature drink of choice.

The truth is, this drink just pushes all my buttons. It just does it for me. First off, they give you like 14 straws for 3 people, and obviously I’ll drink anything with at least a 4-straw per-capita… Second of all, it shocks me how they’re able to make it that New York Giant-blue color. Like, I’m pretty sure I ordered the Lemonade, bro, this drink is blue. Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s ELECKTRO! Gets me every time…And last but not least, girls go buck-wild for them. Just pushing people out of the way and being all like, “OMG I’m Bridgette and I need to try this.” And I’m like, “Yeah girl, join the party,” as her boyfriend anxiously looks on. Hey, just cause there’s a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score, right?


4. Casual Fridays are a pain in the ass. Not only do you need to spend like 20 minutes longer in the morning trying to decide if this is “work appropriate,” but I honestly just feel more comfortable in regular work clothes. I’m sorry but my jeans are a hell of a lot tighter than my dress pants. I mean technically it’s not my fault since I’m used to buying all my jeans at the Gap and nowadays a guy can’t walk in there unless he’s wearing an Arabic scarf and some Man Toms. Like bro, thanks for saving the world and everything, but you know you're wearing women's shoes, right? Seriously, what happened to the days when you went to the Gap, bought yourself a nice pair of 32x30 slim fit jeans and a 1969 T-shirt and left the store feeling all American and shit?


5. Girls are a lot better at Twitter than guys. Not trying to be rude here or anything, but is this one of the greatest upsets in the history of the world? Like, if someone told you that Twitter was this form of social media where people had to be direct, concise, straight to the point, and only had 140 characters to share their thoughts, wouldn’t the logical assumption be that guys might have an easier time with that? Not because guys are special or anything like that, but because girls can talk for days and days without food or water.

Well, if you had that same logic, you would be DEAD wrong. Girls kill it on Twitter, and frankly, guys kinda suck. Guys will give you a laundry list of their day and then inform you that you should get in contact with them. “Gym. Food. Bars. Hit me up.” Girls understand that you’re supposed to make a witty one-liner, bring some energy at the end, and then get the fuck out. “Who needs homework when you’re 21? #SORRYIMNOTSORRY!” Like that’s a little bit funny, it’s quick and easy to read, and it at least demonstrates you understand the concept of Twitter: to entertain your followers. Yeah, occasionally you have to deal with Teodora giving you updates on global issues and stuff, but eventually you just learn to ignore it.

P.s. I was a little confused about what the word platonic meant, so I asked Teo. Her response, “No offense Mike, but you and me: platonic.” Ummmmmm, offense taken.