Seriously Mitch?

Really bro? That’s how you decide to make your debut in the comments section? Calling my soccer post the worst blog ever? I mean if you’re gonna shit on my writing, at least shit on my Europe blogs. Those were awful. But don’t just start complaining at the first blog that isn’t solely focused on you. Like, what do you want me to even say at this point? Hey everybody, meet my friend Mitch! He loves to fist pump to “Levels” and his long, blonde hair actually does correspond to how much of an asshole he is.

But I guess I kinda understand it, though. If you were a good enough athlete, maybe you could have played Varsity sports in high school, too. And then maybe you would relate to all this. Because the last time I checked, when you find an old DVD of your high school soccer team, you post it on the internet so your teammates can enjoy it. But maybe that’s just me.

P.S. Fuck you Tom. Nobody cares about college football. They can’t throw.

Well This Pretty Much Puts an End to That Debate

I can't believe we spent the last few days arguing about whether or not the 2004 Newton North soccer team could beat the U.S. Women's National team. Because, honestly, we'd probably be up like 8-0 at halftime. I mean did you hear the way our coaches were talking about us? Basically calling us the greatest high school soccer team in the history of the world. Sure, we lost in the first round of the tournament. But that was because half the team had a drinking problem. Not because we weren't good enough.

The Wonder of It All...

So last night, a few of the more fun All-Stars went to Foxwoods to see what all the fuss what about. Here’s how it went down for these high-rollers.

5:30 PM: Got to the hotel. Successfully booked one room for all six of us, despite Tom deciding to pop open a can of Bud Light right in front of the reception desk. Like that's not suspicious at all.

6:00 PM: Started playing drinking games and eating environmentally-friendly sandwiches that Jesse made for us.

7:00 PM: Spent about 20 minutes discussing what clothes we should wear once we hit the casino floor. Obviously I looked hawt.

7:45 PM: I sat down at the Blackjack table with Mitch. Bought $100 worth of chips. Had no idea what I was doing and was constantly ridiculed by the hick sitting next to me.

7:56 PM: Lost all my money.

8:00 PM: Jamie just killing it at the Cash Wheel. Jesse winning $3.41 at the penny slots. And Mitch, already $100 in the hole, says “Fuck it, I’ll just do another Craigslist deal tomorrow,” and heads back to the Blackjack table.

9:00 PM: Return to the room to drink more. Team Mike-Tom-Zack obviously win the best-of-three series of Baseball, with Zack temporarily deciding he’s not a Glu-tard anymore.

11:30 PM: Went to Shrine, an Asian-themed nightclub that looked like Legends of the Hidden Temple. Basically just reinforced the fact that I have no idea how to talk to girls. Didn't even try to approach a single one. Not that there were many attractive girls there to begin with. But still, there comes a time in a man’s life when he needs to be able to hit on girls who aren’t dating his best friends.

1:30 AM: Sat down at Fuddruckers for over an hour and inhaled multiple cheeseburgers, hot dogs, potato wedges, chicken fingers, etc… Realized that the girl in the red dress who we thought was hot was maybe the most disgusting girl in Connecticut… And almost gave Jesse a heart-attack when I told him I’m voting Republican this year cause I think the whole Democrat thing is played out.

3:00 AM: Mitch and Zack enjoy pillow talk while the rest of us head back to the casino. Tom becomes the first male in history to take off his shoes and carry them around because they were hurting his feet.

4:00 AM: Everyone trying to sleep, but Zack and Tom literally in a screaming match about who holds the key to the girl at Lee's Burgers' heart. Maybe the stupidest argument I’ve ever heard in my life. Like, you order food and she brings it to you. It doesn’t mean she’s in love with you, it means she works there.