ESPN Signs Mike to a Lucrative Contract

Yes, yes. The rumors that have been swirling around college campuses all day are true. ESPN knew it couldn't afford to lose me to Sports Illustrated, NBA.com, or even worse, have me start my own sports empire. So today they formally extended an offer to me.

At first, I thought about all my fans. The Teos and the Mitches and the Susans of the world. I thought about how I wouldn't be able to make fun of the Nickster, or create the greatest video of all time, or continue to court my little Brookie. So many memories have been created here at Albermarle All-Stars. I didn't want to become a sell out. I didn't get into blogging for the money and I certainly didn't want to jeopardize my artistic integrity by teaming up with the most powerful force in sports. I looked at myself in the mirror, and all I saw was the next T-Pain of the blogosphere.

But that lasted all of .2 seconds before I said, "Sure thing, where do I sign?" Because let's be honest, I'm all about me. You guys have been great, you really have. My self-esteem (cockiness) was pretty high before and this experience has blown the roof off of it. But it's like I always say, "When ESPN comes knocking on your door, you not only answer it, but you give then the damn keys."

So now, be sure to check me out at CelticsHub.com, your home for everything Celtics. The site links directly to ESPN.com and you can find the latest posts on the Celtic's ESPN page. And definitely be sure to read all of B Robb's great work, as well. He's the man behind all this.

P.S. Albermarle All-Stars isn't actually going anywhere. TTYL

NBA Preview - Top Shooting Guards

1. Kobe Bryant – Two words for ya brotha: Black Mamba.

2. Dwayne Wade – On the last day of camp this year, I was going through the lost and found to see if the kids left anything good behind. And what do you know? A Marquette Dwayne Wade jersey just chilling in the bottom of the box. Don’t mind if I do. I’m proud to say it’s become my official Shirt Before the Shirt. (Seriously, what did you want me to write? “I hear Dwayne has some new friends in town?” There, I said it.).

3. Brandon Roy – Arguably the most underrated player in the league. One day the Blazers will finally put all the pieces together and people will get to see how good B-Roy really is.

4. Joe Johnson – I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but other than Kobe, I fear Joe Johnson late in the 4th quarter more than any other player. Every time the Celtics play the Hawks, JJ goes off for like 12 points in the last 5 minutes.

5. OJ Mayo – Quietly put up 17.5 ppg last year and shot 38% from 3-point range. And that’s with Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay getting more than their fair share of the rock. Mayo’s also one of the most naturally gifted offensive players in the league. Passing, shooting, scoring all just come so easily to him.

6. Eric Gordon – I know Gordon made Team USA this year and Mayo did not. I also know that Gordon plays better defense than Mayo. But I feel like I know 99% of the player that Eric Gordon will become. I know what his ceiling is. He can be your No. 3 guy on a championship team. Never a No. 2.

7. Kevin Martin – Honestly I’ve never understood what all the fuss is about with this guy. All he can do is score the basketball. But he’s 27 and in the prime of his career so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he can put up 20 a game once again.

8. Ray Allen – So he shot 3-14 from the field in Game 7 and kinda/sorta/maybe cost us the title. He still was one of the Celtics’ most consistent performers all season long. One thing that has surprised me over the years is how well conditioned Ray is. Of the Big Three, Ray will undoubtedly last the longest before he starts breaking down.

9. Vince Carter - Remember in the Dunk Contest a few years ago when Vince put a cupcake on top of the rim and then blew out the candle? Oh wait. That was Gerald Green. Never mind, Vince HASN”T done anything significant in the past 6 years.

10. Manu Ginobili – It’s really too bad he hasn’t been able to stay healthy, because a few years ago he was No. 3 on this list. But now when I think about Manu I just picture his gross fingernail and him swatting that bat.

HONORABLE MENTION
Gilbert Arenas
(Kinda funny how Arenas is being moved over to SHOOTING guard this year. I’m not sure if this is a done deal yet, but I'm going to pull the trigger and say that it is).

30 Blogs in 30 Nights: NBA Season Preview

The irony of this video is that I would rather gouge my eyes out then spend a night with Zooey Deschanel because that woman is the devil. But you can probably interpret my excitement because the NBA is exactly one month away.

My original plan was to write a preview on each team based on my power rankings, counting down from 30-1. But with Carmelo about to be traded, I felt it would be in the best interest of the fans to hold off on that until everything is settled. So today we’ll start with a topic so hot it makes violence in the Mods seem kinda dull. We’re talking about the Top Point Guards in the NBA debate.

THE ELITE

1. Chris Paul
2. Deron Williams

Considering Deron is my favorite non-Celtic and he’s currently holding the title as my “man-crush,” I would love nothing more than to put D-Will above CP3. Last year, when Paul was hurt and missed most of the season, Williams dominated and people legitimately started having the “Who’s Better?” discussion. But let’s not call Mark Sanchez a good quarterback here and say that CP3 isn’t the best point guard in basketball. He does everything that Williams does, plus he’s a better passer and better defensive player. When it’s all said and done, he’ll be right up there with Magic as the G.O.A.T.

THE SECOND TIER

T-3. Rajon Rondo
T-3. Derrick Rose

I know, I know. Make a decision. But in reality, they really are tied. Despite their uniquely different physical frames, they’re basically the same player. Can get to the rack at will, incredible vision and passing abilities, poor shooters, etc. Two key differences: Rondo is probably the best defensive guard in basketball and Rose sucks. But Rondo can’t shoot free throws and therefore is useless at the end of games, whereas Rose truly wants the ball in his hands and his teammates do, too. Either way, they’re both winners and will push CP3 and D-Will for that elite class of NBA point guards.

5. Steve Nash - When you get out of the shower, what’s the first thing you always do? You wrap your towel around you, go sit at your computer, and start watching Youtube videos. But then after a half-hour you realize your hair is dry and it looks like a bird made some sort of nest up there. Then you end up having to re-wet it again just so you can get it to do what you need it to do. I bet Nash has this problem a lot worse than most of us.

THE SAVVY VETS

6. Chauncey Billups
7. Baron Davis

Yes they’re old and Denver is going to fall off a cliff when they trade Carmelo. The Clips still suck and I don’t really see how Chauncey and B. Diddy will be motivated at all this year. But if you had one game to win, there isn’t a player lower on this list that you would want instead of Mr. Big Shot or Davis.

THE YOUNG GUNS

8. Tyreke Evans
9. John Wall
10. Stephen Curry

Wipe that Newb-sauce off your face boys. It’s showtime! Call me crazy but anyone that saw Wall play last year knows he’s the real deal. He’ll probably be the 5th best point guard in the league by the end of the year. But for now we’ll stick him behind Tyreke and in front of Curry. Evans surprised me a little bit last year. He doesn’t really have any basketball skills besides being a freak athlete. Kinda a poor man’s Derrick Rose. But he certainly has the “it” factor. Kinda like Rondo. I guess if you keep getting compared to those guys, you must be doing something right. As for Curry, not the traditional PG, but he’s the next Ray Allen of the NBA and I think that warrants Top-10 status.

HONORABLE MENTION

Tony Parker
Russell Westbrook
Monta Ellis
Jason Kidd
Devin Harris

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

All aboard the Aaron Hernandez express! He's blossoming into the best TE in football and there's no way we're not winning the Super Bowl this year. The Patriots are back, baby! I don't care how many points our defense gives up, because when our offense is on, it doesn't matter. That's how unstoppable we are. Seriously, how do you plan on stopping us? Even Ben-Jarvis and Woodhead were running loose, and I don't think the Patriots even run the ball. Look out AFC.

Flag Football Season Opener: 33-0 Win

Dude this sucks. Yeah we won our first game 33-0 and we're probably well on our way to the SHIP. Whatever. I just realized that opposing quarterbacks aren't even gonna think of throwing my direction this year. That means no interceptions. No pick-6's. Just no stats at all. It's like I don't even exist.

I got like two passes thrown my way the whole game and I swatted them both down like whoa. I mean, honestly I don't blame anyone. I wouldn't throw my way either. I'm a black hole where offense goes to die. But I made the mistake of telling the entire world about Salvucci Island and the secret is Kenny Powers. (fucking out).

Anyway, Salvucci Island went under. Now it's all about Miggy Asomugha. The unanimous best cover corner in the league that gets no stats because he's too good. Whoop-de-doo.

Selig considering playoff expansion

Mariners | Selig considering playoff expansion | Seattle Times Newspaper

Well what a surprise! I write on Thursday how baseball needs to expand it's playoffs. I tell everybody that Bud Selig is a big fan of the Blog and that he'll definitely read this. And what do you know, not a day later he's already out talking to the press about adding more teams to the postseason. Honestly, Bud, at least give me a shout-out or something.

Where Amazing Happens

Joey Chestnut Is At Eagle's Deli Right Now Trying To Eat The Challenge Burger!

More updates to come, obviously.

***Update: He destroyed it.

Who Did What?

Jose Bautista hit his 50th home run last night? Who knew? I mean, does anybody really watch baseball anymore? To be completely honest, if you asked me who the MLB HR leader was I probably would have said Albert Pujols with like 38.

Over the summer, Bill Simmons wrote a column about how baseball games are too long. He thinks people simply don't have the attention span to watch such a slow game for 3.5 hours. This created a 3-day discussion on all the ESPN shows about how to fix baseball. Shorten the commercial breaks. Enforce a time limit between pitches. Invest more money into marketing the league's best players. Implement a salary cap to increase competitive balance.

These are all decent ideas. But at the same time, isn't the answer really obvious? Just expand the playoffs to 8 teams per league. And I don't say that just because the Red Sox are out this year. Think about it. Right now there are 9 teams in all of baseball that have any significant games left to play this season. The 4 American League playoff teams are set, and there are 5 in the N.L going for 4 spots. If 16 teams in total made the playoffs, then you probably would have about 22 teams still fighting for their lives right now. Wouldn't that make baseball so much more relevant?

How does Bud Selig not see this? Why do the NBA/NHL playoffs have so much fan interest throughout the country? Because most fan bases have a team involved and therefore get really excited about the playoffs. And even if their team gets bounced, they're already into it and so they continue to watch. I probably won't watch one playoff baseball game this year.

My proposal isn't that hard to implement. Logistically, the first series would be a 5-game series, and then you would have to reduce the number of days off throughout the postseason so that we're not still playing ball into December. But other than that, it's basically the perfect solution.

Unfortunately I'm just sitting on my bed right now and not being the commissioner of baseball. But I know Bud Selig is a fan of the Blog, so he'll definitely get this.

Should Miles Austin Be Worried About His Career?

Every now and then, a professor or somebody will pose the question to me, “If you could have dinner with one person in the world, who would it be?” My list over the years has included Michael Jordan, Keira Knightley, Pedro Martinez, Hermione Granger, Steven Gerrard and Randy Moss. But now I’m officially changing it to Kim Kardashian. I think she’s fascinating. I think she’s so misunderstood and I want to know why. I want to pick her brain, because even though she continues to reign as one of the most beautiful women in the world, I know there’s something deep-down that’s really bothering her. Seriously, the woman needs a therapy session like Nicole Richie needs two pounds.

So was I expecting her to break it off with Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin like she did the other day? Let’s just put it this way, does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle? I mean, c’mon Kim, you’re really gonna say the reason for the split is because of your “busy schedules?” I’ve been watching your every move on “Keeping up with” and “Miami” for the past 3 years. You have plenty of down time. You could have made it work.

But let’s get to what’s really important here: The Kim Kardashian Ex-Boyfriend Curse. Forget the SI Cover Curse or the Madden Curse. Take a look at her recent boyfriends:

Cristiano Ronaldo: Had a below-average World Cup when everyone was expecting huge things from him.

Reggie Bush: Recently became the first person to ever give back the Heisman trophy.

Ray J: Did you SEE “For the Love of Ray J?” I couldn’t even watch past the first season.

Nick Lachey: Never able to recover from his split with Jessica and now is at C-list celebrity status.

Nick Cannon: Not gonna lie, I love Nick Cannon. When he starts drumming on Morris Brown’s first line drums and then A&T throws their sticks right in their faces. So badass. You don’t do that and get away with it in the marching band world, and that’s exactly what he did. That’s whassup. Not to mention he’s such a believable soccer player in “Goal II.”

Ball don’t lie, Miles. Ball. Don’t. Lie.

Get to Eagles Nest Stat!

Eagles Nest Piano Guy is absolutely killing it right now. His version of Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby" made me slightly more emotional than I was planning when I came to get my Tuscon Chicken. Girls are just melting for him as we speak. Honestly I need to learn how to play an instrument ASAP. Talk about adding 2 points to your scale just like that.

Listen Up, Girls

Today’s a Wednesday, which means at least three girls will come up to me and say, “Mike, what can I do to become more attractive in your eyes? How can I get to your level?” Loaded question, I know. Like how do I even begin to answer this? Girls want to know how to relate with someone that transcends coolness. I’m no English major (thank God), but I think that’s literally impossible. Listen, it’s not my fault that wherever I go people are always asking me where I got my jeans, what I think of the latest Kanye song, or how many pick-6’s I plan on getting in our first game Sunday night. I just am who I am. But as fans of the Alb, I figure these girls deserve some sort of answer. So here it is:

Remember when we were applying to colleges and girls would be like, “What the hell is Marquette?” and we’d be like, “Are you kidding? Dwayne Wade. Marquette basketball. It’s in Wisconsin, they have a really good team.” And they would just stare at us all confused as they were secretly trying to remember if Wisconsin was the one shaped like a glove. Then they would say something to the extent of, “I don’t understand how you boys know all these players in all these sports. Like, how do you remember them all?”

Ahh, the age-old question. How do us boys remember all the players, all the stats, all the years that shit happened, etc.? Football, baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer. Professional and college. How do we do it? Ultimately it really boils down to one thing: it’s the only thing we really really care about. Yeah, there is a bunch of other stuff in the world that makes us think, makes us cry, blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, sports are the only thing that we could consume ourselves with 24/7 and still be legitimately happy.

So in my round-about way of answering these girls’ question, you need to choose one team/sport and become a true expert on it. Just pick something. Anything. Pick a team. Pick a league. And follow it. Most girls who have already figured this out have chosen basketball. Only five players on the court at once. Their names always show up when they’re shooting free throws. It’s really pretty easy to learn. Plus the games are entertaining and all guys love the NBA. If you go out to a bar with your guy friends and are able to say things like, “I hate Joakim Noah so much, but he’s probably the best rebounder in the league,” then your stock will just sky-rocket.

You think I’m kidding when I say this, but I’m not. You can actually go up like 2 whole points just by becoming “the cool girl who knows what she’s talking about.” And yes, I mean if you are initially a 6 you can become an 8. No joke. And don’t get carried away and think you can follow more than one team and add all these points up. If you’re a 4, you’re not going up to a 10 just because you become an expert on the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics. Doesn’t work like that. Plus, you don’t want to over-do it. That's not attractive either.

So there it is. Pretty straight-forward in my opinion. Now hit the books!

A "Growing" Concern

Ok this shit is getting ridiculous. I’m starting to become legitimately worried that I have Paul Pierce-syndrome, meaning I can only grow facial hair 2/3 of the way down my cheek. Seriously, I haven’t made any progress in like 4 years. My dad’s got the thick mustache going, so I figured I was golden. But apparently not. Sure, it grows back pretty quickly and everything, but I just can’t close the gap between my chin and my cheeks. It’s frustrating as hell. I honestly want nothing more in life than to be able to grow a nice manly beard and not have to worry about shaving every 3 days.

But if you thought I was going to just take this laying down, then you are wrong my friend. Not on my watch. That’s not how the Salvuchasaurus does things. So yesterday, I decided it was time for a change. I figured maybe it was my electric Remington that was stunting my growth. So after class, I took the bus to CVS and bought myself my first disposable razor and some Gillette Shave Gel. And I’m proud to say that I only have three cuts on my face right now. And hot damn! What a close shave it is! I’m convinced that this is going to work. I’ll keep you updated. Or maybe you can just judge for yourself.

Here We Go Again

Decisions, decisions. We make them all the time, and many of them are pretty easy. Should Tom fly home for the Notre Dame game next week? Of course. Should Jon clean up that mess on his wall? Definitely. Am I considering hiring Teo as the official promoter of Albermarle All-Stars? You betcha. But then there are other decisions in life that aren’t so simple, such as should Carmelo and CP3 go to the Knicks or the Nets.

Here's my advice: GO TO THE NETS! Amare sucks and has two bum knees and only one eye. And he complains all the time. He's just not a gamer. I've had a broken thumb for like 6 months now, surprise! But you didn't know that because I never let people know when I get hurt. Plus the Knicks are just incompetent. Brook Lopez is the real deal, and honestly the Nets would be so well balanced I actually think they might be better than Miami.

I really think Carmelo gets traded before the season starts. Denver has basically said they’re willing to trade Melo after he recently rejected a 3-year, $65 million extension. The Nets would have to trade Derrick Favors and probably Devin Harris for Carmelo, and then Paul would join after 2012 at the very latest.

Obviously the Knicks will fight hard for Anthony and Paul, and the fact that they have Amare locked up for 5 years is huge (at least to them). But with Denver shopping Carmelo right now, I don’t see a package that the Knicks could put together right now that would top other teams’ offers. Even the Trail Blazers are considering entering the Melo Sweepstakes, and we all know the abundance of young talent they have.

Either way, just another story to add to The Most Anticipated NBA Season of All Time.

Reader Doesn't Like One of My Posts

What's that Nick? You were a little..."disappointed" with my Flag Football Preview? You were expecting bigger and better things? Listen pal, I'm running the show around here. I know how to write a blog, that's why I got ESPN breathing down my neck like every day trying to sign me. Just because you have dedicated your life to trying to look like Tim Lincecum, it doesn't make you a fucking expert on everything.

I swear, I'm about to kick you off of your own team. Don't think for a second that I can't cover two wide receivers at once, because I can. Have fun watching the Giants get spanked tonight.

Cudder Kills It at BC

I was on a retreat so I didn't get to go, but I heard the Cudi concert was unbelievable! The $25 that people spent and the 5 hours in line that everybody waited was so worth it! I mean, there were no technical problems at all, the sound quality was spectacular, and the crowd was bumpin'. Really upset that I missed out.

Season Over

Honestly the worst thing about today's loss is that the season is over. Our defense is fucking terrible. Brady just had a bad game, not the end of the world. But we're not winning the Super Bowl this year with Darius Butler playing in our secondary. It's just embarrassing how Belichick can't find a player that can cover a wide receiver in this league. It's been like 8 years since Ty Law, Bill. Get with the program. So I'm done. Done. Done. Done.

And I'm sorry that I'm not some mindless cheerleader that sits down every Sunday, puts on his jersey and cheers for his team. When you have the best offense in the NFL and lose to the Jets then you don't deserve to have fans. I stopped watching the Patriots last season in Week 9 or something after the loss to the Saints. I just knew we weren't a Super Bowl team, so why bother? Unfortunately, I am now making this realization in Week 2.

The one positive that comes out of this is that my GPA will be at least .3 points higher than it would have been otherwise. A friend suggested today that all guys should have their grades inflated during first semester because they aren't able to do work on Sundays. Think about it. Girls do like 10 hours of work every Sunday. They wake up, have breakfast, get coffee, and go sit with their friends all day long and do work. Guys don't have that opportunity. They have to watch three games spanning like 12 hours. And then they end up either being too pissed off to do any work (like I clearly am now), or they're so excited about their team's win and just want to drink. But now I guess I need to find some lady-friends to spend my Sunday afternoons with.

Off to Another Retreat - Enjoy the Weekend!

Saw this commercial yesterday. Awesome. Ray's mom is old news. I'm all about Mama Rondo now. Somebody get me a hold of that woman!

P.S. Can't eat Sushi in Utah. Landlocked.

It's Official: Newton North Students Wish They Had Their Old School Back

My sources are telling me that nobody likes the new school. Just feels like you're going to the hospital everyday. I have to admit, this is hilarious. 200 dunkaroos and the kids just want the pile of bricks on the ground outside. I mean, I'm not really surprised. North was sick. Nothing like walking down Main Street, sterotyping the shit out of your entire student body, and going off to class. I know what people are saying, just give it time. After a few years the new school will develop its own character. Sorry, I just don't see it happening.

Flag Football Season Preview

After a surprising playoff run last year, the Schmegs return all but one starter in 2010 and will be considered one of the favorites in the NCAA Division. Unfortunately, Pete tore his ACL, which means we needed a new QB. Coach Nick entrusted me with finding his replacement because he knew I just had an eye for this type of thing. Talent recognizes other talent, that’s just how it works. So after hours and hours of scouting, I finally came up with the perfect guy to take the reins of our offense: Quinn. Kinda an Atlanta Falcons parallel here. Pete, our speedy, high-risk/high-reward, socially irresponsible quarterback cannot return (Mike Vick). So Dave, the polished, savvy Boston College product steps in to take his place (Matt Ryan).

Offense:

After a few sessions of training camp, the offense is starting to shape up quiet nicely. Quinn didn’t know this at the time, but he was essentially trying out for the QB position. He passed with flying colors and we’re all really excited about the direction of this team. One thing that does scare me is that he has a tendency to be a little soft. When we play basketball, he sometimes lacks the tenacity that his teammates expect of him. Reminds me of a young Drew Bledsoe in that way. Hopefully the Mods have toughened him up a little bit.

The real game changer is that we have now implemented a new system for calling plays. It basically allows us to go no-huddle all game long. I can’t really reveal exactly what the plays are, because all of Boston College reads the blog and I’m not trying to blow up our spot here. But if you’re wondering if all the teams take it this seriously, well… no they don’t.

The undeniable strength of this team is in the trenches. Brian, Will and the new guy, Nicol, are absolute beasts that I wouldn’t even want to bump into in the dining hall, let alone on the gridiron. By the way, at BC we play full-contact football at the line of scrimmage. None of this “offensive linemen aren’t allowed to touch the D-line, all they can do is stand in the way” pansy stuff like they have at Wake and other schools.

The receiving core is solid, pretty much designed for flag football and nothing else. Literally, nothing else. I have no idea how we actually manage to win games. Every single one of us is under 5’9”. It just doesn’t make sense. It’s like when an ugly girl wears red shoes and instantly becomes hot. It’s pretty much unexplainable. Same concept here. Put us on a flag football field and instantly we’re all just the sexiest motherfuckers around. Mike aka “The Diva” and Nick aka “The Nickster” are both undersized, shifty receivers that naturally belong in the slot or playing the Reggie Bush position. Josh “Wheels Dozer” and Steve Bezerkowitz are that deep threat receiver, but also have the size to play at tight end. That type of flexibility could be a read advantage for us, especially with the strength of our other linemen. And if we let J-Rod play offense, maybe he can make some plays, too. Our biggest weakness is a lack of a tall, stud wide receiver that can score in the red zone. But we’ll figure it out. We always do.

Defense:

There really are no holes on defense. Mike aka “Salvucci Island” is back for his second season. After a monster rookie campaign (including one game in which he had three pick-6’s), he has his sights set on the Defensive Player of the Year Award. This blogger has him ranked as the No. 1 cornerback in the NCAA division, and that still might be understating his value to his team. The Nickster will likely be shifted from safety to the other cornerback position. Playing cornerback is really about quickness, and that plays to his strengths. I guess that makes him the Antonio Rogers-Cromartie to my Revis, and we should expect him to father at least two kids during the season.

Then we have Quinn and J-Rod tag-teaming the safety position. Two tall, average-looking men that each bring a different element to the game. Jon has the speed and agility to cover from sideline to sideline. Although the last time Jon saw any action, he false-started 5 times in like 3 minutes. Basically the easiest way to get into Coach Nick’s doghouse. But when he fucks up, we got Quinn with the ability to make timely interceptions.

The linebacker position also boasts depth, with Wheels Dozer and Bezerkowitz holding down the fort. Both are built like true linebackers. Just rock sturdy frames with great lateral mobility. Exactly what you’re looking for in your LB’s.

And once again, the defensive line is nothing but class. First class all the way.

Prediction: There might be some stumbling points early on, but this is probably the most experienced team in the league and they should be able to put it all together in time for the playoffs. Anything less than an appearance in the Super Bowl would be a disappointment.

The Biggest Issue on The Planet Right Now

Ok people need to relax about the "Eagles First Down, Bitch" thing. The Facebook group protesting the chant already has like 2000 people, not to mention there was an article on Barstool today about it.

Like personally I don't really care either way. Anyone who knows me knows I like to just follow the crowd anyway. So if that's what the masses are doing, that's what I'm doing. But these headcases who are like, "It reflects poorly on the school" need to calm down. Yeah, I bet there are soooo many people out there that were on the fence about Boston College and only now have seen the light of day. "Like yeah I love the Jesuit community and the academics. But, man, the way those students celebrate a first down about 5 days a year. I just can't support a school like that."

And the funny thing is that next Saturday it's going to be louder than ever. And I guarantee that 90% of all the people in that group will be yelling it too.

Sunday TV Recap

So Teo can’t sleep at night without hearing my take on the VMA’s. Understandable. I tend to have that affect on women. But I really don’t know what to say. The show was pretty boring. Kanye’s performance was fine but nothing memorable. And it definitely didn’t pass the “Closed Laptop” test. The Closed Laptop test is when you’re sitting on your couch watching TV while perusing the Internets on your laptop. If what you’re watching is truly captivating, then you will close your laptop and give the show your full attention. At no point during the VMA’s did I even think about putting my laptop away, and so that should tell you all you need to know.

On the other hand, how great was Entourage on Sunday? I re-watched it yesterday and enjoyed it even more than the first time. Probably the best episode since 2008 and definitely one of the best episodes in Entourage history (still put “Exodus” at No. 1). Either way, I don’t think I’ve ever felt real emotion while watching Entourage before. But when Ari’s wife left him and Christina Aguilera was singing in the background, I actually felt a little sad. And I also thought that was the best acting Adrian Grenier has turned in while being on the show. When Vince walks out of the ER and sees all his friends, I just wanted to go give him a big hug. But it’s probably not a good thing for Adrian that the role that bests suits him is the drugged-out narcissistic asshole.

The 8 Types of Texts

Listen Beth Ann, I know how it is. Not having a phone really sucks. I lost my cell phone charger like 10 days ago and so I’ve had to dramatically cut back on my text messaging to conserve battery. But then whenever I turn my phone on again I have like 63 different texts to sort through. And the one thing I’ve been noticing is that there are really only 8 different kinds of texts.

“The Flirting Text” – Arguably the greatest invention of our lifetime and that is not an exaggeration. Makes life about 1000 times easier and definitely less painful. After some playful exchanges, I usually close with: “So are you busy later tonight or do you want to try to meet up?” To which the girl typically responds: “I think I’m just gonna go to bed but I’ll let you know.” Emphasis on the less painful.

The “Whenever Anything Significant Happens in the Sports World Your Dad Immediately Sends You a Really Corny Text” Text – This is an awkward one that I have only learned how to properly respond to over a long period of time. Guys know what I’m talking about. As soon as your dad figured out how to text, the first thing he thought to do was text you every time Papelbon blew a save (“trade pap. bard should b new closer”) or when the Celts won the NBA title (“17!!!!!!!”). These texts make you feel good inside, but they are almost impossible to respond to. Although on the plus side, the one I got from my dad yesterday actually made me lol: “J-E-T-S really S-U-C-K” Even just the mental image of my dad entering in those CAPS is kinda funny.

The “Mass Text” – Let’s be honest, without the mass text there would be no pick-up basketball and therefore there would be no Albermarle All-Stars blog. So it’s pretty safe to say this is the most important text out there. Extremely useful for when you have a ton of friends like I do, but if you’ve never used the mass text before…well that should tell you something about yourself. My favorite part is when the texter has to clarify that he is sending out a mass text by writing “mt” or “gt” at the end of it. Really? “Hey can everyone let me know who’s coming tonight” wasn’t solely addressed to one person?

The “Making Plans” Text – These types of texts account for 80% of your inbox. They are short and sweet and really are what text messages were originally designed for. “Dinner at 7?”, “be there soon” “where are you right now?”. These are just some popular examples, but you get the idea.

The “I Can See You But You Can’t See Me So I’m Going To Send A Text To You Describing What You Are Wearing Just So You Know That I Am Watching You Right Now” Text – Ok maybe I’m the only one who does this, but God I hope not. I think these are kinda funny even if they have Creeper City written all over them. Just a simple “nice green hat” and the person immediately looks up, twirls his head around 360 degrees and starts acting like he’s about to be sniped from somewhere above. Hilarious, I know.

The “Something Ridiculous Just Happened To Me and I Need To Tell Somebody About It Immediately” Text – These are rare and a complete hoot for the person that sends them, but not so much for the person that receives them. It’s like, ok you just saw Justin Timberlake in the street. Big whoop. He’s a phenomenal dancer but he’s probably only like a B+ singer. You generally have no other response than “that’s awesome man.”

The “I Have a Legitimate Question For You” Text – These can throw you off if you’re not ready for them, but sometimes your mom or friend or somebody will send you a really serious text asking you an important question about something. And then when you don’t have the means to respond they get all mad at you for some reason. Just send me an email, mom. Did you ever consider I might not know my FAFSA pin number off the top of my head?

The “Drunk Text” – Overlaps with the “Flirting Text” a little bit but also has way bigger potential, both good and bad. For some reason I’m just a beast when it comes to typing my words correctly, so I don’t ever get caught up in any awkward Drexting situations. But if I did I’m sure they would be hysterical.

Apology Blog

It's too late to apologize, I realize that. And unlike One Republic I can't just throw Timbaland on this blog right now to make everything better. But I'm issuing my first apology blog in regards to the lazy/boring Patriots blog I just posted.

The number 1 rule of blogging is: If your chick ever says to you before her birthday, "If you really loved me, you would know what to get me," you always buy her an Xbox without even hesitating. That's just your automatic instinct. She's getting the Xbox. Because the look on her face has to be a Top 10 Face of All Time. Just pure disbelief and hatred and speechlessness all wrapped up together (haha pun). Seriously fellas, Xbox.

Ok j playin'. The most important rule of blogging is actually, "Not posting a blog at all is sometimes better than posting a bad one." And I completely disobeyed this rule when I rushed through that blog earlier. I literally wrote it in between Hung and Entourage (fantastic finale, btw) and there aren't even commercial breaks, so that should tell you something. I realized shortly after that it was horrendous, but I'm not in the business of deleting posts, so it's up there forever.

I basically did a summary of the Patriots game which shows a lack of creativity on my part. The Jwoww joke is kinda excusable but the joke about tight ends? C'mon Mike. Amateur. But the worst part was I completely wasted my joke about the Holiday Inn. It's a play on the commercial, get it? Just comedic gold and I blew it.

Anyway, if I'm not mistaken, Mad Men STILL isn't going to watch itself tonight, so I gotta get on that.

Wow We Are Good

The Patriots looked so legit today and there’s not a doubt in my mind we are winning the Super Bowl this year. I’m pretty sure our offense is better than it was in 2007. It’s like I always say: I like my offense the way I like my women, with great tight ends. And to be honest, the more the merrier. Hernandez. Gronk. Alge. I just don’t see how anybody is going to stop us. Not to mention our defense looks hungrier than ever. I know they’re young and inexperienced, but I haven’t seen that kind of nastiness and aggression since Jwoww handed it to Sammie last Thursday. And I want to say that veteran QB’s like Manning will tear us apart, but then again the Colts did lose to the Texans today.

I could keep going all day with Patriots analysis. But what does this look like, a Holiday Inn? I got bills to pay and food to put on the table. Have a good night.

P.S. Shout out to CatMac (the most knowledgeable female Patriots fan I know) for predicting Devin McCourty would be a stud. He is.

Newton principal delivers wife's baby in minivan

Newton principal delivers wife's baby in minivan - Newton - Your Town - Boston.com


Just another member of my family delivering babies on the side of the road. No big deal. But seriously, how am I supposed to compete with this at our BBQ next Sunday? "Oh hey Mike, how's school? Deliver any babies on your way to class? No...oh ok. Take care now."

One last thing: for those of you that went to Brown Middle School, yes that is Mr. Nardelli.

I'll Still Watch But I'm Not Happy About It

You know when you click on an album that one of your high school friends is tagged in and start looking at their pictures? But the only thing is that it’s not your friend’s album, it’s actually one of their random college friends you’ve never even met. And then after a while you realize you’re just looking at pictures of that person’s family at a cookout or something? This is fun for like 15 seconds before you realize how creepy it is. Like, yeah that girl is pretty hot. Or yeah, that guy’s mustache looks a lot like my dad’s mustache. But once you reach a certain point it’s just too weird and you have to exit out of the album. That’s pretty much how I feel about the Red Sox right now.

Look at the box score from last night’s game. Pretty brutal. All season long you expect to watch your guys play, but injuries have turned this team into something completely different. I said from the beginning that this team would be one of the best in baseball, finish with 91 wins, and be left out of the playoffs. And the fact that the Red Sox still have a solid record given the lineup they are putting out there everyday is actually pretty impressive. I’ve supported them all summer long even when I knew nothing would come of it. But these are not the Boston Red Sox anymore. Josh Reddick, Ryan Kalish, Darnell McDonald, Lars Anderson, Kevin Cash, Jared Saltalamacchia, Daniel Nava and Yamaico Navarro are not the players I was expecting to watch on a regular basis. This is some strange family I’ve never met and it kinda leaves me with an uneasy feeling when I watch them.

Good Start To The Semester Mike

So school started today and I'm proud to say that I only missed one class. I was waiting outside Cushing 209 a few minutes before my Accounting class at Noon. Then all of a sudden I see J-Rod walking straight towards me. I knew immediately this was bad news. Like I mentioned before, Jon is an English Second Language major, so I figured he was probably going to Intro to Verbs or something (turned out to be Shakespeare but really what's the difference?).

By the time I figured out my Accounting class wasn't until 1:30, I was already 30 minutes late for Structures of the Universe, so I just didn't go. There are like 150 kids in that class, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I wasn't missed. Either way, though, not the start I was looking for.

Dancing With The Stars Preview

First thing I did when the Comcast guy set up the cable was DVR “Dancing With the Stars.” I realize this seems like perfectly normal behavior for me, but surprise! I’ve actually never seen an episode before.

But this season’s cast is absolutely loaded, and I don’t mean in the Gilbert Arenas way. (Speaking of criminal athletes, though, how stupid do the Steelers look right now? Dennis Dixon, really? Not to mention that Tomlin said Big Ben isn’t guaranteed his spot when he comes back. Let me explain something to you: When your star QB rapes a girl, the only reason you bring him back is because he’s irreplaceable. You don’t create a quarterback controversy before the season starts. Why do people continue to act like Tomlin is a good coach? He’s really overrated and makes a lot more mistakes than people realize). Anyway, what I was trying to say was, there are a lot of sweet people on the show this season:

The Cast:

Audrina Patridge - Yes, this is THE Audrina. Say what you want about The Hills, like how good it is for example. But don’t tell me for one second you weren’t mesmerized by Audrina every time she was on screen.

Brandy – Brandy’s still cool, right? She made a brief appearance in our lives with The Boy Is Mine in 1998 and then just bounced. Looking forward to getting to know her better.

Bristol Palin – Doesn't she have a baby to look after or something? What almost happened to this country?

David Hasselhoff – Apparently he is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the Most Watched TV Star of All Time, or something.

Florence Henderson – Never heard of her. See ya lata.

Jennifer Grey – Remember her from Bueller, that’s about it though.

Kurt Warner – I love Kurt Warner. I mean who doesn’t? Nice guy. MVP quarterback. And when he threw that ball to Ty Law I don’t think I had ever been so overjoyed in my life.

Kyle Massey aka Cory Baxter from “That’s So Raven” – This was and still is the funniest Disney channel show of all time. Every single time Raven raised her eyebrows, looked into the camera with those googly eyes, and spoke in that ridiculous voice she had, I was on the floor laughing.

Margaret Cho – Bye

Michael Bolton – Not exactly my cup of tea but I recognize talent when I see it. This man’s got chops.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino - And the other shoe finally drops. The truth is that one hour per week on the Jersey Shore isn’t enough Situation for me. And there are just so many questions going into this show. Does he wear an Ed Hardy T-shirt? Does he just start grinding up on his partner halfway through the dance? What happens to Ravioli night back at the Shore? I can’t even contain myself right now.

Jam of the Week

Richie Loop - My Cupp

The hottest thing in Jamaica right now. This guy is basically a T-Pain/Akon hybrid and he's gonna blow up real quick. "What's in my cup stays in my cup. My drink... is in my cup." So true now that I really think about it. Seriously, I am about to go watch Cool Runnings, that's how badly I wish I was in Jamaica bumping to this song right now.

Reggie Bush's Heisman to Be Taken Away

And this is exactly why I will never get behind the idea of college football. Just stop pretending that the NCAA is anything other than minor league football (at least at the big schools). Stop pretending like these are student-athletes whose first priority is to get an education. These schools make bazillions of dollars off of these players and the players don't see a penny of it. The NCAA isn't "protecting" them, it's just trying to hold on to all the power that it can.

Here's an idea: pay the players. Put a salary cap in college football and offer the best players money to come to your school. You want the best QB in the class, then do whatever it takes to get him. Seriously, is this not how real life works? This would also put an end to the absolutely ridiculous guidelines regarding recruiting. Coaches can only send 500 texts per month, or players can't Tweet about their college decision. Give me a break. Reggie Bush was the best football player in 2005 and he proved it by getting with Kim Kardashian. You can take away his Heisman, but really you're just reminding everyone how dumb the NCAA really is.

P.S. I appreciate everyone who reads the blog, but if you could also Follow it that would be helpful. I have big plans and need all the official followers I can get.

Back to Farming!

I know, I know. My crops are withered. My animals need to be fed. My trees need to be harvested. But let's be real, only total losers do Farmville during the summer. It's basically social suicide.

But the semester is starting and I couldn't put it off any longer. There are a lot of cool changes to the game, and it's definitely more interactive now. I'm excited to check those out and modernize my farm considerably. I'm definitely going to keep the Asian Pagoda and the lake, though. Those cost like 85 Farmville bucks total and the only reason I was able to purchase them was because I signed up for a free trial of Netflix (which was basically the biggest win-win of all time).

I. Love. Delonte.

On Thursday I didn’t have enough time to write a full blog on Delonte’s return to the Celtics, so I gave you guys the Blog Before the Blog. It’s not the Blog I’m gonna bring to the club with me and show off to everyone, but it’s the Blog that gets the ladies thinking about that hot tub. Now I got the real fresh-to-death Blog on Delonte being back in Green.

Basketball Angle: Exactly what the Celtics needed. Out of the three backup guards, West is the one that will get the most minutes. He proved in Cleveland he can be a very reliable NBA shooting guard, and he also has the versatility to play the point. As much as I loved what Nate Robinson gave us during those last two playoff series, I’m glad we didn’t throw all our eggs in his basket as the “offensive-minded guard off the bench.” And since neither Nate nor Delonte are particularly strong defensively, this gives Avery Bradley a chance to show what he can do.

Entertainment Angle: I’ve always been fascinated by this man. Who could have predicted when he was being the man at St. Joe’s that his career/life would have played out like this? Personally I think his KFC rap/video is hysterical. NBA players are pretty funny overall and he kinda separated himself from the field with that performance. Not to mention I really appreciate his neck tattoo. Go big or go home, right?

LeBron Angle: Do I really believe the story about Delonte being involved with LeBron’s mom? Uh yes, actually I do. But regardless of whether or not it’s true, LeBron probably thinks about this at some point everyday. I doubt he gets a phone call from his mom and is able to keep that thought out of his head completely. It’s like I always say, “Once your mom has an affair with Delonte West, you never stop thinking about it.” So when the Celtics play the Heat in the Eastern Confernce Finals, Delonte has to start giving LeBron’s mom phone calls again, right? I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was written somewhere in his contract, to be honest. LeBron can talk all he wants about how he is always 100% focused on the task at hand. But when Delonte runs by and gives him a little pat on the ass, we’ll see what he’s really made of.

Reports: Kid Cudi To Headline BC Fall Concert

Is BC trying to butter me up with Cudi with the hopes that I will forget how they screwed me out of housing this year? Because if they are it is starting to work. Even though I'm on a retreat right now and have no phone or internet, my sources are telling me that Kid Cudi and LMFAO will be performing at the BC fall concert this year. Now if they can bring in Bieber for the Spring concert I'll forget the whole thing happened all together.

Delonte is Back

Are you kidding me right now? I go away on a retreat with school and Delonte comes back! I literally have 12 seconds to write the blog before I get in trouble. But there's an A+ blog on Delonte coming soon.