The 8 Types of Texts

Listen Beth Ann, I know how it is. Not having a phone really sucks. I lost my cell phone charger like 10 days ago and so I’ve had to dramatically cut back on my text messaging to conserve battery. But then whenever I turn my phone on again I have like 63 different texts to sort through. And the one thing I’ve been noticing is that there are really only 8 different kinds of texts.

“The Flirting Text” – Arguably the greatest invention of our lifetime and that is not an exaggeration. Makes life about 1000 times easier and definitely less painful. After some playful exchanges, I usually close with: “So are you busy later tonight or do you want to try to meet up?” To which the girl typically responds: “I think I’m just gonna go to bed but I’ll let you know.” Emphasis on the less painful.

The “Whenever Anything Significant Happens in the Sports World Your Dad Immediately Sends You a Really Corny Text” Text – This is an awkward one that I have only learned how to properly respond to over a long period of time. Guys know what I’m talking about. As soon as your dad figured out how to text, the first thing he thought to do was text you every time Papelbon blew a save (“trade pap. bard should b new closer”) or when the Celts won the NBA title (“17!!!!!!!”). These texts make you feel good inside, but they are almost impossible to respond to. Although on the plus side, the one I got from my dad yesterday actually made me lol: “J-E-T-S really S-U-C-K” Even just the mental image of my dad entering in those CAPS is kinda funny.

The “Mass Text” – Let’s be honest, without the mass text there would be no pick-up basketball and therefore there would be no Albermarle All-Stars blog. So it’s pretty safe to say this is the most important text out there. Extremely useful for when you have a ton of friends like I do, but if you’ve never used the mass text before…well that should tell you something about yourself. My favorite part is when the texter has to clarify that he is sending out a mass text by writing “mt” or “gt” at the end of it. Really? “Hey can everyone let me know who’s coming tonight” wasn’t solely addressed to one person?

The “Making Plans” Text – These types of texts account for 80% of your inbox. They are short and sweet and really are what text messages were originally designed for. “Dinner at 7?”, “be there soon” “where are you right now?”. These are just some popular examples, but you get the idea.

The “I Can See You But You Can’t See Me So I’m Going To Send A Text To You Describing What You Are Wearing Just So You Know That I Am Watching You Right Now” Text – Ok maybe I’m the only one who does this, but God I hope not. I think these are kinda funny even if they have Creeper City written all over them. Just a simple “nice green hat” and the person immediately looks up, twirls his head around 360 degrees and starts acting like he’s about to be sniped from somewhere above. Hilarious, I know.

The “Something Ridiculous Just Happened To Me and I Need To Tell Somebody About It Immediately” Text – These are rare and a complete hoot for the person that sends them, but not so much for the person that receives them. It’s like, ok you just saw Justin Timberlake in the street. Big whoop. He’s a phenomenal dancer but he’s probably only like a B+ singer. You generally have no other response than “that’s awesome man.”

The “I Have a Legitimate Question For You” Text – These can throw you off if you’re not ready for them, but sometimes your mom or friend or somebody will send you a really serious text asking you an important question about something. And then when you don’t have the means to respond they get all mad at you for some reason. Just send me an email, mom. Did you ever consider I might not know my FAFSA pin number off the top of my head?

The “Drunk Text” – Overlaps with the “Flirting Text” a little bit but also has way bigger potential, both good and bad. For some reason I’m just a beast when it comes to typing my words correctly, so I don’t ever get caught up in any awkward Drexting situations. But if I did I’m sure they would be hysterical.