Today’s a Wednesday, which means at least three girls will come up to me and say, “Mike, what can I do to become more attractive in your eyes? How can I get to your level?” Loaded question, I know. Like how do I even begin to answer this? Girls want to know how to relate with someone that transcends coolness. I’m no English major (thank God), but I think that’s literally impossible. Listen, it’s not my fault that wherever I go people are always asking me where I got my jeans, what I think of the latest Kanye song, or how many pick-6’s I plan on getting in our first game Sunday night. I just am who I am. But as fans of the Alb, I figure these girls deserve some sort of answer. So here it is:
Remember when we were applying to colleges and girls would be like, “What the hell is Marquette?” and we’d be like, “Are you kidding? Dwayne Wade. Marquette basketball. It’s in Wisconsin, they have a really good team.” And they would just stare at us all confused as they were secretly trying to remember if Wisconsin was the one shaped like a glove. Then they would say something to the extent of, “I don’t understand how you boys know all these players in all these sports. Like, how do you remember them all?”
Ahh, the age-old question. How do us boys remember all the players, all the stats, all the years that shit happened, etc.? Football, baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer. Professional and college. How do we do it? Ultimately it really boils down to one thing: it’s the only thing we really really care about. Yeah, there is a bunch of other stuff in the world that makes us think, makes us cry, blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, sports are the only thing that we could consume ourselves with 24/7 and still be legitimately happy.
So in my round-about way of answering these girls’ question, you need to choose one team/sport and become a true expert on it. Just pick something. Anything. Pick a team. Pick a league. And follow it. Most girls who have already figured this out have chosen basketball. Only five players on the court at once. Their names always show up when they’re shooting free throws. It’s really pretty easy to learn. Plus the games are entertaining and all guys love the NBA. If you go out to a bar with your guy friends and are able to say things like, “I hate Joakim Noah so much, but he’s probably the best rebounder in the league,” then your stock will just sky-rocket.
You think I’m kidding when I say this, but I’m not. You can actually go up like 2 whole points just by becoming “the cool girl who knows what she’s talking about.” And yes, I mean if you are initially a 6 you can become an 8. No joke. And don’t get carried away and think you can follow more than one team and add all these points up. If you’re a 4, you’re not going up to a 10 just because you become an expert on the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics. Doesn’t work like that. Plus, you don’t want to over-do it. That's not attractive either.
So there it is. Pretty straight-forward in my opinion. Now hit the books!
