Merry Christmas

So Winik’s been all up on my ass lately trying to get me to write another blog. Like, as soon as the Celtics’ season started and I (somehow!) deemed that to be more important than making fun of my friends, she’s just constantly been on my case. So it’s probably my own fault that I didn’t see it coming when she verbally assaulted me the other day. I mean, there we are just canoodling on my couch watching Top Chef: Just Desserts, when all of a sudden she makes a comment about how I’m not actually funny in-person. Excuse me? She says I have a great writing tone, but in real life I’m just kinda boring and not funny. Ok…I guess that’s kinda true, except for the fact that it’s not. I’m freaking hilarious in pretty much every walk of life. Seriously, who’s quicker than me with witty one-liners? Maybe Brady on his best of best days? Maybe?

But that’s neither here nor there. You want a blog? I’m giving you a blog. Although, technically I posted a great one about Teo on the “Barre New Year’s” Facebook event page. But you probably didn’t have access to that one. Zing!

Anyway, I’m going to be doing a few blogs over the next two weeks. I figure since nobody is going to TOUCH my 1250 score on Facebook Snake, I have a little time to spare. Here’s the first:

*******

So earlier this semester I’m at some party and this mush walks past my friend and me. My buddy not-so-subtlety calls him a tool, which the kid hears and then immediately wants to start a fight. Being the intimidating presence that I am, I step in and try to break the whole thing up. To this day I will never know why this worked, but the kid sees me, backs down, and says (direct quote). “Whoa. You look smart. I’m not gonna fight you because you look pretty smart.” And walks away.

So here are 8 ways to trick people into thinking you are smart when in reality you spend 75% of your day watching Bravo and couldn’t point to Palestine on a map to save your life.

1. Read everything by Malcolm Gladwell. Apparently he’s one of those “it” authors that everybody is talking about these days. Listen, I don’t read books. Never have, never will. Just don’t see the point. If I ever wanted to read something, I probably would just write it myself. In fact, before I heard of this Gladwell guy, the only eight books I had read since middle school were the seven Harry Potters and The Book of Basketball (this is sadly true).

But luckily for me, I realized that everybody and their grandma was reading this guy, so I powered through The Tipping Point, Blink, and Outliers. Here’s my advice on the Gladwell books: Know them by heart. Be able to elaborate on his ideas and shit. But never be the one to bring him up first in a conversation. I repeat. NEVER be the first to bring him up in a conversation. Actual smart people will jump on you like a trampoline if you do. It simply reeks of superficial/mainstream intelligence. Believe me, I found this out the hard way. One minute you’re just having a delightful conversation about those hockey players from Outliers, and the next thing you know, you’re getting questioned about Thomas Friedman. Seriously, who? Instead, wait until some other hopeless victim brings up Gladwell in a conversation, then just casually interject here and there and pretend like he’s old news at this point.


2. Start a blog and trick girls into thinking you have a unique writing style. Since they don’t read Barstool and/or Bill Simmons, they will probably think you’re hilarious and witty. But really, you know fully well that you’re just copying their styles and playing it off as your own. But hey, they don’t know the difference!

Side-note: Since I started my blog, writing has become the Number 1 thing that girls admire about me. We all know that girls like guys who are talented, and since I can’t sing or play the guitar, this is really my only viable option at this point in my life. What’s depressing is that my best attribute before I started writing was…wait for it… the way I turn the steering wheel when I’m driving. Yup. With one hand and my palm wide open. Apparently girls love that. That’s what they’re looking for in a future husband. Open palms. Wide open.


3. Always carry the Wall Street Journal around with you. Sometimes when I’m by myself and I know a bunch of people are about to come into the room, I immediately pull out the WSJ and start pretending to read it. Then when people come in, I’m just oozing smartness in every direction. Ho-hum, just reading the Journal. No big deal. Oh hey everyone! Nothing going on over here, I was just reading the Journal. Then I just need to answer a short series of questions and I’m in the clear.

“What’s that you’re reading, Mike? Anything interesting?” Then I run through some pre-determined answers I thought of earlier in my head: “Oh, well the banks are considering lowering interest rates to combat all the foreclosures in the housing market, blah blah blah.” And that’s really all there is to it.
(Note: “Foreclosure” is a great word to throw out there every once in a while. Everybody thinks that everybody else knows what it means, but nobody actually does. So you’ll never get challenged on it, but you come off looking wicked smaht).


4. Know what you don’t know. Can’t over-emphasize the importance of this one. My personal weakness is Vietnam. I literally know nothing about nothing that happened there. Doesn’t matter how many times I read over the Wikipedia page, it’s like my brain just doesn’t want me to know anything about it. But since people reference it from time-to-time, you always need to have an exit strategy. Try to wiggle your way out of the conversation somehow. Or better yet, change the subject to something in which you’re the expert.

My favorite one typically involves me overcooking my raviolis. As soon as someone brings up the topic of the Vietnam War, I usually say something like, “Oh, my raviolis are probably overcooked. Better go check on those!” But Mike, you aren’t even cooking anything…“Well, you’re not Italian. You probably didn’t even know that the meatball is the world’s most self-explanatory food. Seriously, what’s more self-explanatory than a meat ball? It’s just a ball of meat.” Boom. Subject is already changed and I’m back in the driver’s seat. Staples…that was easy.


5. Pick friends that don’t have your major. Difficult to execute, but will pay huge dividends if you can pull it off. Especially if you’re in the business school and can talk with reasonable knowledge about things like… paying dividends. Shit drives English majors up a wall. They can’t get over the fact that we actually go to class and just learn about analyzing financial statements all day. And the irony of all ironies is that usually during my business classes, I’m just on my computer writing (in English!) for all of my successful blogs. Like, you can’t even make this stuff up. My life is just a fairytale.


6. What’s that saying? You learn a lot about a man by the way he acts when he thinks nobody is watching. Well you learn even more about a man by the type of music he listens to when he thinks he’s by himself. Listen, I don’t have particularly great taste in music. When I know I home alone, all I do is blast electro-club remixes in my room. Basically just one Rihanna mash-up after another. But as soon as I hear that front door open, I immediately switch to my “Chill Hip-Hop” playlist on my iPod, full of classics like Nas, Biggie, A Tribe Called Quest and Common. I don’t even like half the shit on there, but I listen to it because it’s universally accepted that you can’t make fun of someone for liking those artists.


7. Be smart about when you wear your glasses. We all know that wearing spectacles makes you appear to be smarter. But you know what DOESN’T make you look smart? Wearing glasses when everybody knows you don’t really need them. Nobody likes a fraud, just ask the NY Jets. My general rule: Wear them on the first day of class, and then you can wear them for the rest of the semester. In my case, I forgot to wear my glasses during the first week of classes in September, so I wasn’t allowed to wear them for the entire fall semester. I have to wait until January. That’s just the way it goes.

Props to Sarah for being the first one to discover this back in like 9th grade. Just completely beat everyone to the punch on that one. Mitch, on the other hand, comes out of nowhere last summer and just decides he’s going to start wearing glasses to help him pull off the whole Kid Cudi/hipster look. I questioned Mitch on this, and his response was that they were prescription. Prescription? Ok, Mitch. That and $2.00 will get you a ride on the MBTA. Congratulations.


8. Dress nicely to class. Ok, so it’s semi-hypocritical of me to say this. The real reason I transferred from Wake was because I didn’t have any boat shoes to wear to class on a daily basis. Now I wear them to class at least four days a week, and I only have class Tuesday-Thursdays. So that’s a lot. Obviously, when you dress like an asshole you sacrifice a little in the “That person looks like a regular guy who I would want to become friends with” department, but you gain so much everywhere else. People just look at you and smell success.

Disclaimer: Don’t make the mistake of looking too smart. You know, to the point where people assume you would be a good person to work with on a group project. Because there is nothing worse in this world than being the #1 guy in a group project. All the organizing meetings and emailing professors and whatnot. Just seems like the absolute pits to me. That’s why I always try to come off as the #3 guy for any group project. Not too smart, but not a complete slouch either. That way, I don’t have to take on the majority of the work, but I pull enough weight that I still get to sit around with the other top dogs and bitch about how the rest of the group is slacking off.

Birthday Blog

You know that feeling when the Red Sox have a big playoff game coming up that night, and it seems like everyone is just looking forward to the first pitch at 8:17 pm? You can tell, there’s just a constant buzz in the air. People go to work and go to class, but really they’re just going through the motions. Well, I was walking around campus today, and it had that exact same feeling. I could tell that people had a little extra hop in their step. It’s only Tuesday, but the excitement and anticipation for MikeandJoshApalooza on Friday is already real high. It’s going to be fire weekend. Although topping last weekend could be a difficult task.

On Saturday, the BC football team played at Wake Forest, so naturally, I told everyone that I was definitely 100% coming to visit and then bailed. It’s kinda my thing. This time around though, I actually did visit Expedia and Orbitz and looked at real-life flights before I decided I had no interest in ever going back there. And honestly, at this point you guys should consider that a win because normally I’m walking to class or playing Bloons Tower Defense when I text Mitch: “Looking at flights as we speak. Be there in 3 weeks. I’m serious this time.”

And to really kick you when you’re down, not only did I not go to Wake last weekend, but I decided to go to the exact opposite of Wake Forest. That’s right. Road trip to UVM with D-Robb.

To say my expectations of UVM were met would be like saying I get a little nervous every time Barstool posts a UMass video with a bunch of girls dancing with El Pres. Because my heart skips about 14 beats every time that happens. But in all seriousness, Jesse’s house was everything I imagined it would be and more. As an avid Farmville player, I was pretty pumped for the Chicken Coop in the backyard (obviously one of the chickens laid an egg the night before, which Jesse casually collected and brought to his neighbor as a nice gesture). There were also dogs and guinea pigs running around everywhere. Basically just a barn of a house.

I hit the nail on the head wearing my plaid button-down shirt that day. Fit right in with everybody. But one move that did not go over so well: walking in to a pregame with a FourLoko in my hand. “Oh my god! You actually DRINK those things! Let me try a little! Argghh that’s gross! My heart’s gonna explode!!!!” Relax people. It’s sugar and alcohol mixed together. And you had half-a-sip. You’ll live. The best part, though, was when I told people that I went to BC, and then suddenly it all made sense to them. “Oh yeah, my friend goes to BC. I think she drinks those, too.” Listen, she drinks those because she goes to college, not because she goes to BC. Sorry for partying.

Something else I couldn’t wrap my head around: everyone bikes to the parties. Like, everyone. When we went to this pregame, Jesse forced us to bike even though it was 25 degrees outside and I was protesting vehemently against it. Anyone who really knows me knows that I’m a terrible bike rider. I will always maintain that I am a better pound-for-pound athlete than Lebron. That's just a fact. But when it comes to biking, I’m just the worst. I can’t even get on the bike to start with, I don’t know how to change gears, and I can never figure out if I should be sitting on the seat or doing that standing thing. It’s a miserable experience. And if it weren’t for Halo and Call of Duty, I would say it’s the thing I’m worst at in this world.

Fortunately, by the time we got back to Jesse’s for the official party, things started popping off. The real highlight of the night was when DJ Dangerous Dave started killing it on the 1’s and 2’s. As you can imagine, there were a lot of freshman there because Jesse is a nice guy and doesn’t know how to say no. Everyone’s having an average time until Jesse asks Dave to start playing his iPod. And as soon as he does, the place goes bonkers. Just one jam after another. Beating up the beat, then slowing it down, then beating it up again. He nailed every single song. At one point, in typical Newton North fashion, Dave went back-to-back with Call on Me and Don’t Stop Believing. Must have been at least a 75% hook up rate on the dance floor during those songs.

Dave was working it so hard, there were at least 4 girls that came up to him and asked him to dance. He had to politely turn them down, but was considerate enough to point them in my direction. Unfortunately, every single one of them walked in the complete opposite direction of where I was standing. I really tried to talk to myself into the idea that this didn't happen on 4 separate occasions, but there's really no getting past it. I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. But honestly, I wasn’t even that upset because two of them were wearing the Short Uggs, which have been an absolute deal-breaker for me lately. Like, what could possibly motivate you to get the short ones? Go big or go home ladies.

P.S. Memo to everyone going to Barre for New Year’s: Unless there's some sort of miracle where DJ Desert Storm volunteers his services for the night, Dave is making a playlist and we’re just letting it go. That’s it. Apologies to Hyatt and Calvin, but you guys are being ex-communicated from DJ-ing. It’s called a party, guys. We don’t need Calvin playing an acoustic version of Lupe and Common singing “Buffalo Soldier” in Talib’s basement while Lauryn Hill was upstairs watching Casablanca. It’s rare. We get it. And Sam, we don’t need you to counter that with a song that Lil Wayne won’t even write until 2014, but you’ve somehow managed to already get on your iPod. You like Weezy. Welcome aboard. Save these battles for another time. Let’s play some club bangers that people actually know, and hope we can get Seth to voluntarily start dancing after we kidnap him for the evening.

Priorities

Hey everyone. Hope you've been enjoying all the invisible posts lately. Pretty high-tech stuff.

As many of you know, I'm now contributing to CelticsHub.com. It's an actual blog with more than 18 followers, so I'm gonna have to devote my time to that. I'm not going to be posting much for Behind the Arc anymore. Maybe every now and then. But not.

This is basically a win-win for everyone. I move on to bigger and better things, and you guys can focus on your studies without having to constantly hit "refresh" to see if I've posted something new and hilarious.

More emails

Good Email: This picture that Charles sent of me as Nnamdi Asomugha, aka Miggy Asomugha, aka Asomiggs.



Bad Email:

How about this prank email from Ben that had me thinking I had MADE IT in the blog world. Some friend, huh? Or maybe it's worse that I actually believed this for an entire 24 hours. Like, of course Tommy Wiseau, director and lead actor of "The Room," one of the worst movies ever made, follows my blog.

Dear Mike,

I have followed your blog for quite some time now and it is splendid, it gives me funny feelings in my nether regions. I do have a question though, that has been churning around in my mind for quite some time now, how does one become such a sexy beast like yourself? If you could give me some tips or advice in that regard, I would be very appreciative.

Best wishes and keep up the great, very sex work,
-Tommy

Like no joke, I actually fell for this email. However, in my defense, look at this guy. He's a nutjob. I probably would have believed anything you told me about him.

Got Me a Ticket to Celtics-Heat

There are very few occasions in a man’s life where he has the chance to witness something greater than life itself. When the entire world has its eyes transfixed on one game, in one arena, for an entire 3 hours. When the Damons and Wahlbergs and Jay-Zs of the world all come together under one roof to share such a spectacular moment in history. It only happens once, maybe twice a year. And it just so happens that Tuesday night at the TD Garden will be one of those times.

To say I’m looking forward to the Heat-Celtics game would be like saying Screech had a thing for Lisa Turtle. Because there are certain things in life that you look forward to…and then there’s this game. For example, I’m looking forward to dressing up for the midnight showing of Harry Potter next month. I’m looking forward to attending Calvin’s wedding with all my friends, which my Google Calendar just reminded me is only 18 months away. And I’m looking forward to COMING HOME ONE DAY AND NOT SEEING OUR FREAKIN’ BATHROOM LIGHT ON WHEN WE HAVE A $204 ELECTRICITY BILL! But that’s just me.

This game is probably one of the most anticipated games of our lifetime. I’m not trying to be hyperbolic (by far the biggest word in the history of this blog), but I’m having trouble thinking of another game that will receive more warranted and impassioned attention than this game. Super Bowls are fun, but at the end of the day, they have one every year. I admit, Celtics-Heat will probably soon be triumphed by LeBron’s return to Cleveland in a couple months. But for now, there’s really nothing that can top it.

How did I score a ticket to the game, you ask? Just used my infinite resources as a basketball insider to purchase myself one on a little website called Stubhub.com. And I got a pretty good deal on it, too. Cost me just about the same as my monthly electric bill. Ba-dum-chh!

Is this too much money for a single game ticket? No way. This is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. When I’m sitting around in my rocking chair when I’m 65 years old, do you think I’m gonna care if I have an extra $200 in my pocket? Or am I gonna want to pick up Salvuchasaurus III and say to him, “You know what little guy, I was at LeBron’s first game ever with the Miami Heat, before he went on to win those 5 championships. And you know who won that game? That’s right, the Boston Celtics.” Then I’ll whip out my wallet and give my 6-year old grandson $200 anyway because that’s the type of bomb G-Pa I’m going to be.

NBA Bans Concept 1's

What's that NFL? You announced today that players will be suspended for "head shots" and "devastating hits?" Well I see your over-reactionary rule change, and raise you another crazy and ridiculous ban. That's right, no NBA player will be allowed to wear Athletic Porpulsion Lab's Concept 1 shoe, which supposedly can increase vertical leap.

And I must say: Bravo, David Stern. Bravo. Because if you're truly going to distinguish yourself from the NFL as the best sports league on Earth, you can't even give them an extra second in the spotlight. When I turned on SportsCenter this morning, all anyone was talking about was the new NFL rule change. You can't be having that. And now, I wouldn't be surprised if they lead with your shoe ban story on Around the Horn and PTI. It really is that big of a deal.

Note to Albermarle All-Stars: these puppies are officially banned from our pick-up games, as well. We don't want any 5'8" Rondo-like guards with already astronomical vertical leaps suddenly banging their heads against the backboard every time they go up for a layup. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

It's Happening

Izzy and Jamie get it done. Barre for New Years. Official.

Happy Birthday to Me Indeed

Cudder just released the album cover for Man on the Moon II: The Legend of Mr. Rager. It comes out November 9, aka my birthday. Seriously people, I only need one copy. Figure it out amongst yourselves.

What a Roller Coaster Week for T.I.

So on Thursday, T.I. hears on the radio that there is a man about to commit suicide by jumping off a 22-story building somewhere in Atlanta. Like, he’s literally standing on the edge of the building as T.I. is hearing this. So what does T.I. do? He goes and talks the man out of it. Well done, T.I. I honestly didn’t think you had it in you. Then on Friday, he releases a new single “Get Back Up” with Chris Brown, which can be heard every 45 minutes on Kiss 108 FM starting in…let’s give it two weeks.

But guess what also happens on Friday? Some judge is like, “Ho-hum, back in the slammer for 11 months!” Yikes. Talk about killing his buzz, judge. I guess T.I. was arrested last month for drug possession, and given his prior record, the judge had no sympathy. Understandable.

But honestly, T.I. you have nobody to blame but yourself here. You got out of your halfway house in March, meaning you had 6 months to build up some good publicity before you inevitably got caught again. Seriously, all you had to do was make one song with Alicia Keys and you were probably good to go. That’s it. America loves Alicia Keys. They think she’s classy and shit. I guarantee that would have worked, Instead, what do you do? You release a song with Chris Brown on the day of your sentencing? Are you freaking kidding me, guy? I know you’ve been locked up for a while, but newsflash: the only person this country hates more than Chris Brown is LeBron. It really must tell you something when you save a man’s life the day before your sentencing and you still get hosed like that.

Fantasy Basketball is the Only One Worth Playing and I'm Sticking to It

In 6th grade I sat my entire family down and told them I was getting out of the chocolate-eating game. I just wasn’t going to eat chocolate anymore. Just like that. I wanted to live a long healthy life, and completely eliminating my chocolate in-take was a small step in the process. But instead of supporting me like any nice family would, everyone just laughed at me. They said I would last 3 days, a week max, before I caved and had a Kit-Kat or something. Well ha! The joke’s on you, because 10 years later I’m still not eating chocolate. Score that Mike 1, Family 0. Yes I realize that chocolate is delicious and awesome, but so is being a man of principle. And when I said I wasn’t going to eat chocolate anymore, I meant it.

I know what you’re thinking, “Mike, I’ve seen you eat chocolate before. There’s no way this is true. You’re just shaking my tailfeather right now.” Oh really? You’ve actually SEEN me eat chocolate before? When? Where? What was I wearing in this imaginary moment in time? Did I look fresh? Obviously I did, but that doesn’t mean it happened. Seriously, next time someone puts a plate of brownies in front of me, watch how not excited I get compared to everyone else. I don’t eat anything with chocolate. Nothing. Chocolate cake? Nope. Charleston Chews? Snickers? Cocoa Puffs? Negativo. And the worst part is when I’m eating a Hoodsie and can only eat the vanilla half. I mean, those cups are already small enough. The fact that I have the will-power to only eat half is pretty hard body.

Actually, I’m not gonna say I don’t eat ANYTHING with chocolate in it. That’s a little strong. There are two exceptions: Chocolate-chip cookies and chocolate-chip cookie dough ice cream (which is really just a cookie in its natural state, with ice cream). The reason I decided to start eating chocolate-chip cookies was mostly because of social norms. Like, you can’t just go through life not eating chocolate-chip cookies and expect to go places. It was already bad enough that I refused brownies when people made them for me, and I didn’t want to be the weird kid who didn’t eat chocolate-chip cookies either. Once I made this decision, eating chocolate-chip cookie dough was logically the next step in the progression.

What’s the point of this story? Well, two years ago I quit the Fantasy football league that the All-Stars and I had been doing for years. This was also a tough decision, because our football/basketball/baseball leagues are a lot of fun. You can say a lot of things about my friends, but don’t for one second say we don’t know how to do fantasy sports. Because we do. And it’s not like we have $100 entry fees or anything like that (I mean, we are talking about a group who, for the past 6 years, has never played a game of poker with more than 10-20 cent blinds. Not to mention that whenever someone has the audacity to raise to 40 cents before the flop, the collective groan from everyone else can be heard a mile away). But for the most part, everyone keeps up with their teams pretty closely and there are a lot of trades, so it’s a good time.

And then of course, there’s the draft. Fantasy drafts are pretty much the greatest thing ever invented. I’m pretty sure they would win the Awesome Game. (For those of you that haven’t played the Awesome Game, it’s a game where everyone writes like 3 things that are awesome on little pieces of paper and puts them in a hat. Once you have all the Awesome Things, you set it up like a March Madness bracket and people discuss/vote on which thing is more awesome, and then eventually there’s one winner. Usually it’s something sexual, like “insertion,” but I’m hard-pressed to think of something right now that’s more awesome than a Fantasy draft).

Anyway, we officially started doing Fantasy drafts the right way, live and in-person, during sophomore year of high school. It was a cold day in March, but everyone was pumped because we were going to do our Fantasy baseball draft at school, instead of conducting the draft online. We convinced Coach Kane to let us use his classroom, so as soon as last period was over, it was straight to the War Room. Let’s be honest here, for 179 out of the 180 days every year, the reason I ultimately got out of bed and went to school was so I could flirt with girls and try to get my mack on. But for this 1 day, girls were the last thing on my mind. Class was simply more time to go over draft sheets, and lunch was time to negotiate trades. Kane’s room was perfect. We all had a computer, we had the Big Board. I think Calvin played Vanna White. Some kid tried to draft Mark Prior in the 15th round. It was just a great time, and it set us on the correct path of doing all of our drafts that way. I can’t even count the number of drafts we’ve had since then, but each time they never disappoint.

So considering all this, why is the infatuation with Fantasy sports wearing off? Or at least with football and baseball? Let’s start with football. I was losing my mind on Sundays and wasn’t able to enjoy the games at all. Constantly having to root for Reggie Wayne took a toll on me, so I quit. Now, I sit down on the couch every Sunday and I’m able to watch the Second Best League on the Planet without any attachment. And I love it. Plus, when you really think about it, football is probably the WORST sport to do fantasy for. Individual player statistics really have nothing to do with the outcome of the game. Yes, it’s easy to keep track of your team because you only need to set your lineup once a week. But I hate how there’s just so much luck involved with the draft. Oh, you got Arian Foster in the 8th round and now you’re winning the league. Congrats, bro. How many 8th round draft picks ever become a top fantasy player in basketball? Answer: Zero.

As for baseball, it’s also just way too unpredictable. You don’t win your Fantasy baseball league by drafting well. You win your Fantasy baseball league by watching SportsCenter, seeing that Jose Bautista is off to a decent start this season, and then adding him as a free agent before anyone else does. And then 54 home runs later, you try to play it off like you actually know something. It’s the worst. You win Fantasy baseball by just staying on top of it. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have the time for that. These blogs aren’t gonna write themselves.

Fantasy basketball doesn’t work that way. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Chris Paul, Lebron James and Dwight Howard will probably be the best fantasy players this year. And guess what? I’m right. People say they like playing fantasy sports because they get to play the role of GM. Well if you really want that chance, play fantasy basketball. It really is about assembling the best team possible. You basically know what everyone’s stats are going to be. But it’s up to you to balance your roster and everything. Do I sacrifice rebounds and blocks for assists and steals? Or do I load up on big men and hope I can add scoring guards later on? Those are legitimate questions that you ask yourself as a Fantasy basketball owner. Occasionally you’ll have someone like Jamal Crawford have a great season out of nowhere, but it’s not like he’s affecting the entire league or anything like that. Plus, rotisserie scoring is the standard method for basketball, meaning the best team wins every time. Seriously, is there anything more obnoxious than having to listen to your friend bitch about how unlucky he is with his head-to-head matchups? “I have scored the 2nd most points of anyone in the league, and I’m still 2-3. This is ridiculous.” Don’t be that guy. Play Fantasy basketball.

This past August, my friends tried to convince me to play Fantasy football again. I’m sure that won’t be the last time. “C’mon Mike, we’re getting the league back together. Just play this year.” Sorry guys, not budging. I haven’t had a brownie in 10 years. What makes you think I’ll succumb to peer pressure on this?

FML: Red Sox Officially Purchase Liverpool

My phone/Facebook has been blowing up all day with the “breaking news” that the Red Sox owners are purchasing Liverpool, F.C., my favorite soccer team. First of all people, this happened like 2 weeks ago. It’s been tied up in the judicial system for a little while because the former Liverpool owners thought the club was being undervalued. But the Liverpool board approved this a while ago.

I realize everyone out there is trying to feed me news. Trying to give me new material and shit. Listen guys, I invented the news. And I wasn’t born yesterday. I know how it works. You’re just trying to show me that you’ve been dedicated fans from the very beginning, so when I become rich and famous maybe you’ll get a slice of the pie. That’s all fine with me. But c’mon, texting me a story when it becomes headline news on ESPN? Step it up.

Anyway, I’m actually kinda upset about this. Two reasons.

1. The Red Sox have the best fans in professional sports, at least in the United States. That’s just a fact. Nobody cares more about their team more than we do. I think I’ll love the Red Sox more than I’ll ever love my wife. Over the past few years, we’ve taken a hit as all the Pink Hats and bandwagoners have been making their way to Fenway just to see what all the fuss is about (Hey, it happens. At least we sell out our playoff games, unlike the Yankees in 2009). And I’m not gonna lie, it bothers me when I see people that don’t actually care about the Red Sox, pretending to care. Seriously, people. Why do it? Why do you feel the need to put on a front? It’s not like I go to the MFA to look at the art. I hate that shit, so I stay as far away from it as possible. It’s stupid ridiculous.

And now all of New England is about to become Liverpool fans. It’s not like I’m upset because I thought Liverpool was my personal thing, or anything like that. I could care less. But if you’re gonna follow a team, you need an authentic reason for it. I watched soccer for 3 years before Liverpool truly spoke to me. Steven Gerrard. Anfield. The Miracle in Istanbul. Those words don’t mean anything to people around here. And now they’re all about to become Liverpool fans. I’ve been a loyal LFC fan for several years, and now it’s just gonna look like I’m some schmuck who started following the team because they’re associated with the Red Sox.

2. If you don’t know the background info: Liverpool is one of the biggest and most successful clubs in the world. However, they haven’t won the English Premier League since 1990. Although they are usually a very competitive team, this year they just suck. If we want to get back on par with Manchester United, Chelsea and Arsenal, we need to spend money on new players. Big money. Money that John Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino might not have. And while these guys certainly all have more money than me, they don’t have more money than other potential owners. Sauidi Arabian princes and Chinese investment groups and shit. We’re talking about the same guys who wouldn’t give an extra $10 million to Mark Texiera. How are we supposed to compete with Chelsea, Real Madrid or even Manchester City when it comes to buying players? If there is one thing we have learned about John Henry and his boys, it’s that they do have a limit. Their pockets are not endless. Basically, Liverpool and the Red Sox both just became less financially flexible, to put it nicely. Not good news if you’re a fan of either.

Arguably the Biggest Decision of 2010

Halloween is my favorite day of the year. It’s really not even close. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love to dress up. Themed-parties. Camp Talent Shows. Wednesdays. You name it, I’ll dress up for it. So naturally, I can’t get enough Halloween. It just does it for me. There was actually a brief 2-year stretch when New Year’s Eve was the day I looked forward to most, but that ended when Officer Izzy pulled the plug on having fun. Now October 31 is back in the driver’s seat, and until I’m 40 and am forced to sit at home and pass out Snickers to little Rugrats, I expect it to stay there.

Not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but I’ve kinda been on a roll with my costumes the past two years. A spot-on Sanka from Cool Runnings, including the dreads and the full-body Olympic bobsledding suit. And then a brilliantly executed Lil Wayne costume with the dreads and tattoos (Some of my friends gave me the business for wearing that dreads wig twice in a row like some asshole. Whoa, sorry guys. I paid like 50 bucks for those dreads. Just trying to depreciate that shit over multiple years. Not my fault you don’t understand what that means).

A few weeks ago I came up with another stellar idea: Cristiano Ronaldo. The similarities are endless. Got that tall, dark and handsome thing going for us that girls seem to love. Kim Kardashian plays/played a significant role in our lives. Both hate Chelsea, F.C. Both are fashionistas in our own right. I admit there is one small, tiny difference on the soccer pitch: Ronaldo really is a natural winger, whereas I sometimes prefer to get high and central and even play from the striker position. But other than that, we’re basically the same person. Not to mention I already have his jersey (I’m sure he has mine, too), so it’s really a no-brainer.

My overall philosophy in life is that when you do things, you need to do them 100%. Nothing half-hearted. That’s why I love Tiger Woods. So if I’m going to be Cristiano Ronaldo, I’m going to BE CRISTIANO RONALDO. That means I’m going to be dressed from head-to-toe in replica soccer apparel. That means I’m going to convince a bunch of girls to walk around with me all night (probably call ‘em Vucci’s Hoochies, or something cute like that). And that means I’m gonna get my hair did so it looks just like him. I’m gonna grow out the mullet in the back, and the day before Halloween I’ll shave the sides of my head and then gel everything else up top.

Well here’s my dilemma: My hair is like 3 weeks ahead of me right now. Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t be a big deal. I’d just put on a hat and call it a day. But since the entire accounting world is after me like a pack of wolves, I need to be looking my Don Draper-best in these interviews. And my hair is officially too long to wear to an interview now.

So now what? I’m probably gonna have to get that haircut tomorrow. 19 days could be enough time to grow it back. Or maybe I just call up my boy Cristiano and have him buzz his whole head, and then I’m set.

Checkin' the Mailbox

Did you seriously wear my pajamas and sleep in my bed when I went home for the weekend?
-Nick, Chestnut Hill

Does the Pope shit in the woods, Nick? Of course I did. We also did a fashion show with all of J-Rod’s clothes. True story.

I think I’m gonna start following the NBA. Do you think I should start following the NBA? What team should I follow? I think it has to be the Celtics because my rule is that whenever I start following a sport I root for the team of the city I’m currently living in at the time. What do you think? Can I start following the Celtics?
-Lovely, Brighton

Hey Steve, what team is from Under A Rock? Because that’s basically where you’ve been living for the past 10 years. Seriously, just do what you gotta do. If you can manage to somehow go to bed at night being a Steelers, Mets and Celtics fan, be my guest.

What does “Behind the Arc” mean? Help me.
-Sara, Ann Arbor

What was that Sara? Do I think you’ll get into Law school? No, I don’t actually. You probably bubbled in your name incorrectly and now it’s all over. Good luck, though.

Who’s the favorite to win the NBA title this year?
-Teo, Boston

Leave it to Teo to actually ask me a legitimate question. I’m going with the Lakers, then the Celtics, and then the Heat. In that order. The thing that people don’t realize is that Pau Gasol is the best offensive big man in the NBA right now. Pair him with Kobe and I don’t see how they don’t three-peat next year. They’re just too big and talented across the frontcourt.

As for the Eastern Conference, I’m picking the Celtics over the Heat for the same reason I’m picking the Lakers: I like their depth and size. That’s what she said. Obviously, Miami is going to be the No. 1 seed, and the Celtics will probably be the 3 or 4 seed. But in a 7-game series, I really don’t see how the Heat could beat Boston. They’re basically throwing Chris Bosh and a bunch of scrubs against the Celtics’ plentiful frontcourt. Joel Anthony (2.7 ppg last year), Udonis Haslem (6’8”) and Zydrunas Ilgauskas (could hardly earn playing time for the Cavs in the playoffs last year) are gonna match up against KG, Shaq, Perkins, Jermaine O’Neal, and Big Baby? Ok.

I’ve changed my mind on the whole “The Heat won’t be able to figure out who’s gonna take the last shot” position. It’s a stupid argument and I feel embarrassed for believing it in the first place. But I do firmly believe that Lebron and Wade don’t really compliment each other that well. They’re both drivers. If Wade drives and kicks it to Lebron for an open 3-pointer, that’s fine with me. Same thing if Wade is taking the long-range jumpers. Neither of them scares me from anywhere outside the paint.

Lakers over Celtics, again.

So according to your rankings, I’m a +6.
-Calvin’s outfit, Miami

Well, let’s take a look at it. Snapback hat. Sunglasses. Lax pinny. Bro shorts. Bro socks. Bro shoes. Yup, that sounds about right.

So according to your rankings, I’m a -14.
-Seth’s outfit, New York

Technically, yes. Although I can’t tell for sure because your socks are looser than your jeans and my system doesn’t know how to quantify that.

I have a QB rating of 105.3. I’ve thrown 8 touchdowns and 0 interceptions. Still think I can’t play quarterback in this league?
-Mark Sanchez, New York

Relax, guy. It’s been 4 games. How did last year go for you? You only had the #1 ranked defense and the #1 ranked rushing game, and you STILL only made the playoffs because Indianapolis gave up on the regular season. C’mon, cue the “Oh, he was only a rookie. He’s still getting better each and every day” brigade. I don’t need to hear it. What did Tom Brady do in his first season? Oh that’s right, win the Super Bowl. I can’t wait for you guys to get spanked by Randy and the Vikes Monday night.

Weezy in Solitary Confinement

So apparently Lil Wayne was busted for hiding an mp3 player in a bag of potato chips and now he's in solitary confinement until his November 4th release. Call me crazy, but something doesn't add up here. Didn't this dude just put out an album like 2 weeks ago? He probably had at least 3 laptops, a bunch of microphones, even some auto-tune equipment in his cell with him. And now this? How does having an iPod gets you a month's worth of solitary confinement? Bizarre.

Welcome to Behind the Arc

I’ve been taking some heat for changing the name. For those of you wondering WHY I changed the site, honestly it might be time to tighten the screws up top. You really thought a name like albermarleallstars.blogspot.com was gonna catch on nationwide? You people need to get out more. Seriously, how many blogspots do you follow? Plus, I don’t think there was one person at BC that could pronounce it correctly. I would say 90% of student body called it AlbieMarley All-Stars, or something like that. Kinda pathetic when you think about it. Like, I don’t even read books but if I saw that word for the first time, I would just sound it out like I learned in 1st grade and that would be the end of it.

So before you get all your Under Armour muscle T’s in a bunch like Mitch did, think about the longevity of the new site. The staying power. I even have ads now! But before we move on completely, let’s look back at some highlights of Albermarle All-Stars:

- The original 15 player profiles. My finest moment. The College Dropout of my career. The artistic brilliance that set me on the path to blogosphere celebrity. I’d be nothing with them. But at the same time, it’s kinda been a curse. See, for guys like me and Kanye, we’re just constantly living in the shadow of our prior work. No matter how many albums he makes or how many posts I put up, people just yearn for the good old days.

- Teo calls me last week to tell me this story: “So Mike, the other day in class, my professor started talking about Curt Schilling and all the guys in the class immediately starting naming all these random stats/facts about him. My professor then goes on this rant about how ridiculous it is that guys can remember all this stuff. And I think to myself, Mike just wrote a blog about this the other day. So I decide to send her the link to your post. I told her if she wanted to get the perspective of a 21-year old male, then you were the guy. So she responds to the e-mail. ‘I read the article and thought it was great. I shared it with my husband and he thought it was hilarious. I think we should try to invite your friend Mike into class as a guest lecturer.’”…Ok, I may or may not have made up that last part about being a guest lecturer. But the rest is true.

-When I spelled “Albermarle” incorrectly.

-There is this website called EatFeats.com, and it tracks the top competitive eaters in the world. Since I have eyes and ears everywhere, I obviously knew as soon as Joey Chestnut walked in the door at Eagle’s Deli and immediately posted something about it. A few minutes later, what’s the lead headline on EatFeats.com? “Albermarle All-Stars is reporting that Joey Chestnut is at Eagle’s Deli attempting to eat the challenge burger.” That’s right. Albermarle All-Stars absolutely reported that shit.

-The Albies, which will become an annual reunion festival for years to come

*Enjoy the new site

Our Professional Football Team is a Piece of Junk

Nice trade Bill. The world is ending in 2012. Time's running out, you can't just keep building for the future anymore. Honestly, what's the point of watching the Patriots anymore? Even kids know you don't trade a Top-5 Wide Receiver for anything less than a 2nd rounder.

Fashion Advice for Guys

Ok, not a lot of people know this. So I’m going to let you in on a little secret.

Here goes:

Men’s fashion basically ranges across a spectrum, with some people on the left and some people on the right. Apparently this is also how political parties work. Or at least that’s what I have in my notes. On the left side, you got your hipsters. Skinny jeans. Vans. Plaid shirts. V-neck T-shirts down to your belly-button. You get the idea. On the right side, you got your preppy/bro/fratstar look. This includes brightly colored polo’s, button-downs, khakis, boat shoes, flashy sneakers, etc.

What makes me such a fashion icon is that I’m able to navigate both waters. Take a little from each, so to say. I like to refer to myself as a hipbro (pronounced HiPprOH). But that doesn’t mean I’m reckless or anything. Not at all. There is a mathematical science that goes into each and every outfit I leave the house wearing.

Any article of clothing considered to be “hipster” is given a -1. Any article clothing considered to be “bro” is given a +1. Normal, regular clothes are given a 0 and have no net effect on your outfit. The rule is that you must be within the aggregate range of -1 to 1. Anything outside of that range and you will immediately draw attention to yourself in a negative light.

Let’s look at some examples of acceptable combinations:

Last night's look: Red Sox Fitted (+1), Button-Down (+1), Skinnier Jeans (-1), Regular Nike sneakerss (0): Aggregate score: +1. So I’m a little on the bro side, but not so much that I’m gonna get iced in the middle of Mary Ann’s.

Thursday’s outfit: American Apparel T-Shirt (-1), Khaki’s (+1), Alife sneakers (-1) Aggregate score: -1. So I look a little hipster, but not to the point that I’m forced to stop listening to all the music that I really enjoy just because other people have heard of it.

Seriously fellas, follow these simple rules and life gets exponentially better. That’s a promise.

And for the Girls: The High Waisted Jean Is Back!

Wow, I'm losing my mind trying to find a way to describe how hot this look is going to be in like 12 months. Actually scratch that. This look is on fire right now. Wear it with a V-neck tee and some white Keds. Ooooooooohhhhhh baby. I'm pretty sure that's what girls wear in heaven like all the time. Seriously ladies, get on this look pronto! Because next summer when all your friends are rushing off to the store to get these jeans, you'll already have been rocking it for months.

Btw, I realize it's 2am on a Friday night. But all night my head was spinning just waiting to get back to my room so I could write this blog. The girl that was chewing my arm all night was cute. But at the end of the day, low-rise just ain't gonna cut it.

Super Smash Bros. Has To Be The Worst Game Ever Invented

My roommates are in the other room screaming and giggling like girls over Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 64. Somebody kill me. Seriously, just thrust in the dagger and twist. Because this has to be the worst game ever invented. Like, "Oh my god, you killed me even though I WAS THE ONE THAT HAD THE HAMMER!" Get over yourself. It's not 1998 anymore, guys. They have real video games like FIFA and Call of Duty. Not to mention the background music on that thing is almost as unbearable as the Beatles. That's right I said it.

I just don't understand why people actually play this game. I feel like I'm on the outside of some big joke or something. I think I'm beginning to realize its one of those hipster things where the fact that it's terrible and not fun makes people want to play it. Because it's ironic and shit. Riddle me that.

Dude Proposes To Chick in Hillside

Give me a break, bro. Nothing says romance like the Back Bay club sandwich. I mean, there I am just minding my own business when some guy just starts proposing all over the place to this girl. She said yes and I'm happy for them and all. But what do you think their next move was, a quick escape to Conte Forum? Shit confuses me.

ESPN Signs Mike to a Lucrative Contract

Yes, yes. The rumors that have been swirling around college campuses all day are true. ESPN knew it couldn't afford to lose me to Sports Illustrated, NBA.com, or even worse, have me start my own sports empire. So today they formally extended an offer to me.

At first, I thought about all my fans. The Teos and the Mitches and the Susans of the world. I thought about how I wouldn't be able to make fun of the Nickster, or create the greatest video of all time, or continue to court my little Brookie. So many memories have been created here at Albermarle All-Stars. I didn't want to become a sell out. I didn't get into blogging for the money and I certainly didn't want to jeopardize my artistic integrity by teaming up with the most powerful force in sports. I looked at myself in the mirror, and all I saw was the next T-Pain of the blogosphere.

But that lasted all of .2 seconds before I said, "Sure thing, where do I sign?" Because let's be honest, I'm all about me. You guys have been great, you really have. My self-esteem (cockiness) was pretty high before and this experience has blown the roof off of it. But it's like I always say, "When ESPN comes knocking on your door, you not only answer it, but you give then the damn keys."

So now, be sure to check me out at CelticsHub.com, your home for everything Celtics. The site links directly to ESPN.com and you can find the latest posts on the Celtic's ESPN page. And definitely be sure to read all of B Robb's great work, as well. He's the man behind all this.

P.S. Albermarle All-Stars isn't actually going anywhere. TTYL

NBA Preview - Top Shooting Guards

1. Kobe Bryant – Two words for ya brotha: Black Mamba.

2. Dwayne Wade – On the last day of camp this year, I was going through the lost and found to see if the kids left anything good behind. And what do you know? A Marquette Dwayne Wade jersey just chilling in the bottom of the box. Don’t mind if I do. I’m proud to say it’s become my official Shirt Before the Shirt. (Seriously, what did you want me to write? “I hear Dwayne has some new friends in town?” There, I said it.).

3. Brandon Roy – Arguably the most underrated player in the league. One day the Blazers will finally put all the pieces together and people will get to see how good B-Roy really is.

4. Joe Johnson – I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but other than Kobe, I fear Joe Johnson late in the 4th quarter more than any other player. Every time the Celtics play the Hawks, JJ goes off for like 12 points in the last 5 minutes.

5. OJ Mayo – Quietly put up 17.5 ppg last year and shot 38% from 3-point range. And that’s with Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay getting more than their fair share of the rock. Mayo’s also one of the most naturally gifted offensive players in the league. Passing, shooting, scoring all just come so easily to him.

6. Eric Gordon – I know Gordon made Team USA this year and Mayo did not. I also know that Gordon plays better defense than Mayo. But I feel like I know 99% of the player that Eric Gordon will become. I know what his ceiling is. He can be your No. 3 guy on a championship team. Never a No. 2.

7. Kevin Martin – Honestly I’ve never understood what all the fuss is about with this guy. All he can do is score the basketball. But he’s 27 and in the prime of his career so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he can put up 20 a game once again.

8. Ray Allen – So he shot 3-14 from the field in Game 7 and kinda/sorta/maybe cost us the title. He still was one of the Celtics’ most consistent performers all season long. One thing that has surprised me over the years is how well conditioned Ray is. Of the Big Three, Ray will undoubtedly last the longest before he starts breaking down.

9. Vince Carter - Remember in the Dunk Contest a few years ago when Vince put a cupcake on top of the rim and then blew out the candle? Oh wait. That was Gerald Green. Never mind, Vince HASN”T done anything significant in the past 6 years.

10. Manu Ginobili – It’s really too bad he hasn’t been able to stay healthy, because a few years ago he was No. 3 on this list. But now when I think about Manu I just picture his gross fingernail and him swatting that bat.

HONORABLE MENTION
Gilbert Arenas
(Kinda funny how Arenas is being moved over to SHOOTING guard this year. I’m not sure if this is a done deal yet, but I'm going to pull the trigger and say that it is).

30 Blogs in 30 Nights: NBA Season Preview

The irony of this video is that I would rather gouge my eyes out then spend a night with Zooey Deschanel because that woman is the devil. But you can probably interpret my excitement because the NBA is exactly one month away.

My original plan was to write a preview on each team based on my power rankings, counting down from 30-1. But with Carmelo about to be traded, I felt it would be in the best interest of the fans to hold off on that until everything is settled. So today we’ll start with a topic so hot it makes violence in the Mods seem kinda dull. We’re talking about the Top Point Guards in the NBA debate.

THE ELITE

1. Chris Paul
2. Deron Williams

Considering Deron is my favorite non-Celtic and he’s currently holding the title as my “man-crush,” I would love nothing more than to put D-Will above CP3. Last year, when Paul was hurt and missed most of the season, Williams dominated and people legitimately started having the “Who’s Better?” discussion. But let’s not call Mark Sanchez a good quarterback here and say that CP3 isn’t the best point guard in basketball. He does everything that Williams does, plus he’s a better passer and better defensive player. When it’s all said and done, he’ll be right up there with Magic as the G.O.A.T.

THE SECOND TIER

T-3. Rajon Rondo
T-3. Derrick Rose

I know, I know. Make a decision. But in reality, they really are tied. Despite their uniquely different physical frames, they’re basically the same player. Can get to the rack at will, incredible vision and passing abilities, poor shooters, etc. Two key differences: Rondo is probably the best defensive guard in basketball and Rose sucks. But Rondo can’t shoot free throws and therefore is useless at the end of games, whereas Rose truly wants the ball in his hands and his teammates do, too. Either way, they’re both winners and will push CP3 and D-Will for that elite class of NBA point guards.

5. Steve Nash - When you get out of the shower, what’s the first thing you always do? You wrap your towel around you, go sit at your computer, and start watching Youtube videos. But then after a half-hour you realize your hair is dry and it looks like a bird made some sort of nest up there. Then you end up having to re-wet it again just so you can get it to do what you need it to do. I bet Nash has this problem a lot worse than most of us.

THE SAVVY VETS

6. Chauncey Billups
7. Baron Davis

Yes they’re old and Denver is going to fall off a cliff when they trade Carmelo. The Clips still suck and I don’t really see how Chauncey and B. Diddy will be motivated at all this year. But if you had one game to win, there isn’t a player lower on this list that you would want instead of Mr. Big Shot or Davis.

THE YOUNG GUNS

8. Tyreke Evans
9. John Wall
10. Stephen Curry

Wipe that Newb-sauce off your face boys. It’s showtime! Call me crazy but anyone that saw Wall play last year knows he’s the real deal. He’ll probably be the 5th best point guard in the league by the end of the year. But for now we’ll stick him behind Tyreke and in front of Curry. Evans surprised me a little bit last year. He doesn’t really have any basketball skills besides being a freak athlete. Kinda a poor man’s Derrick Rose. But he certainly has the “it” factor. Kinda like Rondo. I guess if you keep getting compared to those guys, you must be doing something right. As for Curry, not the traditional PG, but he’s the next Ray Allen of the NBA and I think that warrants Top-10 status.

HONORABLE MENTION

Tony Parker
Russell Westbrook
Monta Ellis
Jason Kidd
Devin Harris

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

All aboard the Aaron Hernandez express! He's blossoming into the best TE in football and there's no way we're not winning the Super Bowl this year. The Patriots are back, baby! I don't care how many points our defense gives up, because when our offense is on, it doesn't matter. That's how unstoppable we are. Seriously, how do you plan on stopping us? Even Ben-Jarvis and Woodhead were running loose, and I don't think the Patriots even run the ball. Look out AFC.

Flag Football Season Opener: 33-0 Win

Dude this sucks. Yeah we won our first game 33-0 and we're probably well on our way to the SHIP. Whatever. I just realized that opposing quarterbacks aren't even gonna think of throwing my direction this year. That means no interceptions. No pick-6's. Just no stats at all. It's like I don't even exist.

I got like two passes thrown my way the whole game and I swatted them both down like whoa. I mean, honestly I don't blame anyone. I wouldn't throw my way either. I'm a black hole where offense goes to die. But I made the mistake of telling the entire world about Salvucci Island and the secret is Kenny Powers. (fucking out).

Anyway, Salvucci Island went under. Now it's all about Miggy Asomugha. The unanimous best cover corner in the league that gets no stats because he's too good. Whoop-de-doo.

Selig considering playoff expansion

Mariners | Selig considering playoff expansion | Seattle Times Newspaper

Well what a surprise! I write on Thursday how baseball needs to expand it's playoffs. I tell everybody that Bud Selig is a big fan of the Blog and that he'll definitely read this. And what do you know, not a day later he's already out talking to the press about adding more teams to the postseason. Honestly, Bud, at least give me a shout-out or something.

Where Amazing Happens

Joey Chestnut Is At Eagle's Deli Right Now Trying To Eat The Challenge Burger!

More updates to come, obviously.

***Update: He destroyed it.

Who Did What?

Jose Bautista hit his 50th home run last night? Who knew? I mean, does anybody really watch baseball anymore? To be completely honest, if you asked me who the MLB HR leader was I probably would have said Albert Pujols with like 38.

Over the summer, Bill Simmons wrote a column about how baseball games are too long. He thinks people simply don't have the attention span to watch such a slow game for 3.5 hours. This created a 3-day discussion on all the ESPN shows about how to fix baseball. Shorten the commercial breaks. Enforce a time limit between pitches. Invest more money into marketing the league's best players. Implement a salary cap to increase competitive balance.

These are all decent ideas. But at the same time, isn't the answer really obvious? Just expand the playoffs to 8 teams per league. And I don't say that just because the Red Sox are out this year. Think about it. Right now there are 9 teams in all of baseball that have any significant games left to play this season. The 4 American League playoff teams are set, and there are 5 in the N.L going for 4 spots. If 16 teams in total made the playoffs, then you probably would have about 22 teams still fighting for their lives right now. Wouldn't that make baseball so much more relevant?

How does Bud Selig not see this? Why do the NBA/NHL playoffs have so much fan interest throughout the country? Because most fan bases have a team involved and therefore get really excited about the playoffs. And even if their team gets bounced, they're already into it and so they continue to watch. I probably won't watch one playoff baseball game this year.

My proposal isn't that hard to implement. Logistically, the first series would be a 5-game series, and then you would have to reduce the number of days off throughout the postseason so that we're not still playing ball into December. But other than that, it's basically the perfect solution.

Unfortunately I'm just sitting on my bed right now and not being the commissioner of baseball. But I know Bud Selig is a fan of the Blog, so he'll definitely get this.

Should Miles Austin Be Worried About His Career?

Every now and then, a professor or somebody will pose the question to me, “If you could have dinner with one person in the world, who would it be?” My list over the years has included Michael Jordan, Keira Knightley, Pedro Martinez, Hermione Granger, Steven Gerrard and Randy Moss. But now I’m officially changing it to Kim Kardashian. I think she’s fascinating. I think she’s so misunderstood and I want to know why. I want to pick her brain, because even though she continues to reign as one of the most beautiful women in the world, I know there’s something deep-down that’s really bothering her. Seriously, the woman needs a therapy session like Nicole Richie needs two pounds.

So was I expecting her to break it off with Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin like she did the other day? Let’s just put it this way, does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle? I mean, c’mon Kim, you’re really gonna say the reason for the split is because of your “busy schedules?” I’ve been watching your every move on “Keeping up with” and “Miami” for the past 3 years. You have plenty of down time. You could have made it work.

But let’s get to what’s really important here: The Kim Kardashian Ex-Boyfriend Curse. Forget the SI Cover Curse or the Madden Curse. Take a look at her recent boyfriends:

Cristiano Ronaldo: Had a below-average World Cup when everyone was expecting huge things from him.

Reggie Bush: Recently became the first person to ever give back the Heisman trophy.

Ray J: Did you SEE “For the Love of Ray J?” I couldn’t even watch past the first season.

Nick Lachey: Never able to recover from his split with Jessica and now is at C-list celebrity status.

Nick Cannon: Not gonna lie, I love Nick Cannon. When he starts drumming on Morris Brown’s first line drums and then A&T throws their sticks right in their faces. So badass. You don’t do that and get away with it in the marching band world, and that’s exactly what he did. That’s whassup. Not to mention he’s such a believable soccer player in “Goal II.”

Ball don’t lie, Miles. Ball. Don’t. Lie.

Get to Eagles Nest Stat!

Eagles Nest Piano Guy is absolutely killing it right now. His version of Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby" made me slightly more emotional than I was planning when I came to get my Tuscon Chicken. Girls are just melting for him as we speak. Honestly I need to learn how to play an instrument ASAP. Talk about adding 2 points to your scale just like that.

Listen Up, Girls

Today’s a Wednesday, which means at least three girls will come up to me and say, “Mike, what can I do to become more attractive in your eyes? How can I get to your level?” Loaded question, I know. Like how do I even begin to answer this? Girls want to know how to relate with someone that transcends coolness. I’m no English major (thank God), but I think that’s literally impossible. Listen, it’s not my fault that wherever I go people are always asking me where I got my jeans, what I think of the latest Kanye song, or how many pick-6’s I plan on getting in our first game Sunday night. I just am who I am. But as fans of the Alb, I figure these girls deserve some sort of answer. So here it is:

Remember when we were applying to colleges and girls would be like, “What the hell is Marquette?” and we’d be like, “Are you kidding? Dwayne Wade. Marquette basketball. It’s in Wisconsin, they have a really good team.” And they would just stare at us all confused as they were secretly trying to remember if Wisconsin was the one shaped like a glove. Then they would say something to the extent of, “I don’t understand how you boys know all these players in all these sports. Like, how do you remember them all?”

Ahh, the age-old question. How do us boys remember all the players, all the stats, all the years that shit happened, etc.? Football, baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer. Professional and college. How do we do it? Ultimately it really boils down to one thing: it’s the only thing we really really care about. Yeah, there is a bunch of other stuff in the world that makes us think, makes us cry, blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, sports are the only thing that we could consume ourselves with 24/7 and still be legitimately happy.

So in my round-about way of answering these girls’ question, you need to choose one team/sport and become a true expert on it. Just pick something. Anything. Pick a team. Pick a league. And follow it. Most girls who have already figured this out have chosen basketball. Only five players on the court at once. Their names always show up when they’re shooting free throws. It’s really pretty easy to learn. Plus the games are entertaining and all guys love the NBA. If you go out to a bar with your guy friends and are able to say things like, “I hate Joakim Noah so much, but he’s probably the best rebounder in the league,” then your stock will just sky-rocket.

You think I’m kidding when I say this, but I’m not. You can actually go up like 2 whole points just by becoming “the cool girl who knows what she’s talking about.” And yes, I mean if you are initially a 6 you can become an 8. No joke. And don’t get carried away and think you can follow more than one team and add all these points up. If you’re a 4, you’re not going up to a 10 just because you become an expert on the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics. Doesn’t work like that. Plus, you don’t want to over-do it. That's not attractive either.

So there it is. Pretty straight-forward in my opinion. Now hit the books!

A "Growing" Concern

Ok this shit is getting ridiculous. I’m starting to become legitimately worried that I have Paul Pierce-syndrome, meaning I can only grow facial hair 2/3 of the way down my cheek. Seriously, I haven’t made any progress in like 4 years. My dad’s got the thick mustache going, so I figured I was golden. But apparently not. Sure, it grows back pretty quickly and everything, but I just can’t close the gap between my chin and my cheeks. It’s frustrating as hell. I honestly want nothing more in life than to be able to grow a nice manly beard and not have to worry about shaving every 3 days.

But if you thought I was going to just take this laying down, then you are wrong my friend. Not on my watch. That’s not how the Salvuchasaurus does things. So yesterday, I decided it was time for a change. I figured maybe it was my electric Remington that was stunting my growth. So after class, I took the bus to CVS and bought myself my first disposable razor and some Gillette Shave Gel. And I’m proud to say that I only have three cuts on my face right now. And hot damn! What a close shave it is! I’m convinced that this is going to work. I’ll keep you updated. Or maybe you can just judge for yourself.

Here We Go Again

Decisions, decisions. We make them all the time, and many of them are pretty easy. Should Tom fly home for the Notre Dame game next week? Of course. Should Jon clean up that mess on his wall? Definitely. Am I considering hiring Teo as the official promoter of Albermarle All-Stars? You betcha. But then there are other decisions in life that aren’t so simple, such as should Carmelo and CP3 go to the Knicks or the Nets.

Here's my advice: GO TO THE NETS! Amare sucks and has two bum knees and only one eye. And he complains all the time. He's just not a gamer. I've had a broken thumb for like 6 months now, surprise! But you didn't know that because I never let people know when I get hurt. Plus the Knicks are just incompetent. Brook Lopez is the real deal, and honestly the Nets would be so well balanced I actually think they might be better than Miami.

I really think Carmelo gets traded before the season starts. Denver has basically said they’re willing to trade Melo after he recently rejected a 3-year, $65 million extension. The Nets would have to trade Derrick Favors and probably Devin Harris for Carmelo, and then Paul would join after 2012 at the very latest.

Obviously the Knicks will fight hard for Anthony and Paul, and the fact that they have Amare locked up for 5 years is huge (at least to them). But with Denver shopping Carmelo right now, I don’t see a package that the Knicks could put together right now that would top other teams’ offers. Even the Trail Blazers are considering entering the Melo Sweepstakes, and we all know the abundance of young talent they have.

Either way, just another story to add to The Most Anticipated NBA Season of All Time.

Reader Doesn't Like One of My Posts

What's that Nick? You were a little..."disappointed" with my Flag Football Preview? You were expecting bigger and better things? Listen pal, I'm running the show around here. I know how to write a blog, that's why I got ESPN breathing down my neck like every day trying to sign me. Just because you have dedicated your life to trying to look like Tim Lincecum, it doesn't make you a fucking expert on everything.

I swear, I'm about to kick you off of your own team. Don't think for a second that I can't cover two wide receivers at once, because I can. Have fun watching the Giants get spanked tonight.

Cudder Kills It at BC

I was on a retreat so I didn't get to go, but I heard the Cudi concert was unbelievable! The $25 that people spent and the 5 hours in line that everybody waited was so worth it! I mean, there were no technical problems at all, the sound quality was spectacular, and the crowd was bumpin'. Really upset that I missed out.

Season Over

Honestly the worst thing about today's loss is that the season is over. Our defense is fucking terrible. Brady just had a bad game, not the end of the world. But we're not winning the Super Bowl this year with Darius Butler playing in our secondary. It's just embarrassing how Belichick can't find a player that can cover a wide receiver in this league. It's been like 8 years since Ty Law, Bill. Get with the program. So I'm done. Done. Done. Done.

And I'm sorry that I'm not some mindless cheerleader that sits down every Sunday, puts on his jersey and cheers for his team. When you have the best offense in the NFL and lose to the Jets then you don't deserve to have fans. I stopped watching the Patriots last season in Week 9 or something after the loss to the Saints. I just knew we weren't a Super Bowl team, so why bother? Unfortunately, I am now making this realization in Week 2.

The one positive that comes out of this is that my GPA will be at least .3 points higher than it would have been otherwise. A friend suggested today that all guys should have their grades inflated during first semester because they aren't able to do work on Sundays. Think about it. Girls do like 10 hours of work every Sunday. They wake up, have breakfast, get coffee, and go sit with their friends all day long and do work. Guys don't have that opportunity. They have to watch three games spanning like 12 hours. And then they end up either being too pissed off to do any work (like I clearly am now), or they're so excited about their team's win and just want to drink. But now I guess I need to find some lady-friends to spend my Sunday afternoons with.

Off to Another Retreat - Enjoy the Weekend!

Saw this commercial yesterday. Awesome. Ray's mom is old news. I'm all about Mama Rondo now. Somebody get me a hold of that woman!

P.S. Can't eat Sushi in Utah. Landlocked.

It's Official: Newton North Students Wish They Had Their Old School Back

My sources are telling me that nobody likes the new school. Just feels like you're going to the hospital everyday. I have to admit, this is hilarious. 200 dunkaroos and the kids just want the pile of bricks on the ground outside. I mean, I'm not really surprised. North was sick. Nothing like walking down Main Street, sterotyping the shit out of your entire student body, and going off to class. I know what people are saying, just give it time. After a few years the new school will develop its own character. Sorry, I just don't see it happening.

Flag Football Season Preview

After a surprising playoff run last year, the Schmegs return all but one starter in 2010 and will be considered one of the favorites in the NCAA Division. Unfortunately, Pete tore his ACL, which means we needed a new QB. Coach Nick entrusted me with finding his replacement because he knew I just had an eye for this type of thing. Talent recognizes other talent, that’s just how it works. So after hours and hours of scouting, I finally came up with the perfect guy to take the reins of our offense: Quinn. Kinda an Atlanta Falcons parallel here. Pete, our speedy, high-risk/high-reward, socially irresponsible quarterback cannot return (Mike Vick). So Dave, the polished, savvy Boston College product steps in to take his place (Matt Ryan).

Offense:

After a few sessions of training camp, the offense is starting to shape up quiet nicely. Quinn didn’t know this at the time, but he was essentially trying out for the QB position. He passed with flying colors and we’re all really excited about the direction of this team. One thing that does scare me is that he has a tendency to be a little soft. When we play basketball, he sometimes lacks the tenacity that his teammates expect of him. Reminds me of a young Drew Bledsoe in that way. Hopefully the Mods have toughened him up a little bit.

The real game changer is that we have now implemented a new system for calling plays. It basically allows us to go no-huddle all game long. I can’t really reveal exactly what the plays are, because all of Boston College reads the blog and I’m not trying to blow up our spot here. But if you’re wondering if all the teams take it this seriously, well… no they don’t.

The undeniable strength of this team is in the trenches. Brian, Will and the new guy, Nicol, are absolute beasts that I wouldn’t even want to bump into in the dining hall, let alone on the gridiron. By the way, at BC we play full-contact football at the line of scrimmage. None of this “offensive linemen aren’t allowed to touch the D-line, all they can do is stand in the way” pansy stuff like they have at Wake and other schools.

The receiving core is solid, pretty much designed for flag football and nothing else. Literally, nothing else. I have no idea how we actually manage to win games. Every single one of us is under 5’9”. It just doesn’t make sense. It’s like when an ugly girl wears red shoes and instantly becomes hot. It’s pretty much unexplainable. Same concept here. Put us on a flag football field and instantly we’re all just the sexiest motherfuckers around. Mike aka “The Diva” and Nick aka “The Nickster” are both undersized, shifty receivers that naturally belong in the slot or playing the Reggie Bush position. Josh “Wheels Dozer” and Steve Bezerkowitz are that deep threat receiver, but also have the size to play at tight end. That type of flexibility could be a read advantage for us, especially with the strength of our other linemen. And if we let J-Rod play offense, maybe he can make some plays, too. Our biggest weakness is a lack of a tall, stud wide receiver that can score in the red zone. But we’ll figure it out. We always do.

Defense:

There really are no holes on defense. Mike aka “Salvucci Island” is back for his second season. After a monster rookie campaign (including one game in which he had three pick-6’s), he has his sights set on the Defensive Player of the Year Award. This blogger has him ranked as the No. 1 cornerback in the NCAA division, and that still might be understating his value to his team. The Nickster will likely be shifted from safety to the other cornerback position. Playing cornerback is really about quickness, and that plays to his strengths. I guess that makes him the Antonio Rogers-Cromartie to my Revis, and we should expect him to father at least two kids during the season.

Then we have Quinn and J-Rod tag-teaming the safety position. Two tall, average-looking men that each bring a different element to the game. Jon has the speed and agility to cover from sideline to sideline. Although the last time Jon saw any action, he false-started 5 times in like 3 minutes. Basically the easiest way to get into Coach Nick’s doghouse. But when he fucks up, we got Quinn with the ability to make timely interceptions.

The linebacker position also boasts depth, with Wheels Dozer and Bezerkowitz holding down the fort. Both are built like true linebackers. Just rock sturdy frames with great lateral mobility. Exactly what you’re looking for in your LB’s.

And once again, the defensive line is nothing but class. First class all the way.

Prediction: There might be some stumbling points early on, but this is probably the most experienced team in the league and they should be able to put it all together in time for the playoffs. Anything less than an appearance in the Super Bowl would be a disappointment.

The Biggest Issue on The Planet Right Now

Ok people need to relax about the "Eagles First Down, Bitch" thing. The Facebook group protesting the chant already has like 2000 people, not to mention there was an article on Barstool today about it.

Like personally I don't really care either way. Anyone who knows me knows I like to just follow the crowd anyway. So if that's what the masses are doing, that's what I'm doing. But these headcases who are like, "It reflects poorly on the school" need to calm down. Yeah, I bet there are soooo many people out there that were on the fence about Boston College and only now have seen the light of day. "Like yeah I love the Jesuit community and the academics. But, man, the way those students celebrate a first down about 5 days a year. I just can't support a school like that."

And the funny thing is that next Saturday it's going to be louder than ever. And I guarantee that 90% of all the people in that group will be yelling it too.

Sunday TV Recap

So Teo can’t sleep at night without hearing my take on the VMA’s. Understandable. I tend to have that affect on women. But I really don’t know what to say. The show was pretty boring. Kanye’s performance was fine but nothing memorable. And it definitely didn’t pass the “Closed Laptop” test. The Closed Laptop test is when you’re sitting on your couch watching TV while perusing the Internets on your laptop. If what you’re watching is truly captivating, then you will close your laptop and give the show your full attention. At no point during the VMA’s did I even think about putting my laptop away, and so that should tell you all you need to know.

On the other hand, how great was Entourage on Sunday? I re-watched it yesterday and enjoyed it even more than the first time. Probably the best episode since 2008 and definitely one of the best episodes in Entourage history (still put “Exodus” at No. 1). Either way, I don’t think I’ve ever felt real emotion while watching Entourage before. But when Ari’s wife left him and Christina Aguilera was singing in the background, I actually felt a little sad. And I also thought that was the best acting Adrian Grenier has turned in while being on the show. When Vince walks out of the ER and sees all his friends, I just wanted to go give him a big hug. But it’s probably not a good thing for Adrian that the role that bests suits him is the drugged-out narcissistic asshole.

The 8 Types of Texts

Listen Beth Ann, I know how it is. Not having a phone really sucks. I lost my cell phone charger like 10 days ago and so I’ve had to dramatically cut back on my text messaging to conserve battery. But then whenever I turn my phone on again I have like 63 different texts to sort through. And the one thing I’ve been noticing is that there are really only 8 different kinds of texts.

“The Flirting Text” – Arguably the greatest invention of our lifetime and that is not an exaggeration. Makes life about 1000 times easier and definitely less painful. After some playful exchanges, I usually close with: “So are you busy later tonight or do you want to try to meet up?” To which the girl typically responds: “I think I’m just gonna go to bed but I’ll let you know.” Emphasis on the less painful.

The “Whenever Anything Significant Happens in the Sports World Your Dad Immediately Sends You a Really Corny Text” Text – This is an awkward one that I have only learned how to properly respond to over a long period of time. Guys know what I’m talking about. As soon as your dad figured out how to text, the first thing he thought to do was text you every time Papelbon blew a save (“trade pap. bard should b new closer”) or when the Celts won the NBA title (“17!!!!!!!”). These texts make you feel good inside, but they are almost impossible to respond to. Although on the plus side, the one I got from my dad yesterday actually made me lol: “J-E-T-S really S-U-C-K” Even just the mental image of my dad entering in those CAPS is kinda funny.

The “Mass Text” – Let’s be honest, without the mass text there would be no pick-up basketball and therefore there would be no Albermarle All-Stars blog. So it’s pretty safe to say this is the most important text out there. Extremely useful for when you have a ton of friends like I do, but if you’ve never used the mass text before…well that should tell you something about yourself. My favorite part is when the texter has to clarify that he is sending out a mass text by writing “mt” or “gt” at the end of it. Really? “Hey can everyone let me know who’s coming tonight” wasn’t solely addressed to one person?

The “Making Plans” Text – These types of texts account for 80% of your inbox. They are short and sweet and really are what text messages were originally designed for. “Dinner at 7?”, “be there soon” “where are you right now?”. These are just some popular examples, but you get the idea.

The “I Can See You But You Can’t See Me So I’m Going To Send A Text To You Describing What You Are Wearing Just So You Know That I Am Watching You Right Now” Text – Ok maybe I’m the only one who does this, but God I hope not. I think these are kinda funny even if they have Creeper City written all over them. Just a simple “nice green hat” and the person immediately looks up, twirls his head around 360 degrees and starts acting like he’s about to be sniped from somewhere above. Hilarious, I know.

The “Something Ridiculous Just Happened To Me and I Need To Tell Somebody About It Immediately” Text – These are rare and a complete hoot for the person that sends them, but not so much for the person that receives them. It’s like, ok you just saw Justin Timberlake in the street. Big whoop. He’s a phenomenal dancer but he’s probably only like a B+ singer. You generally have no other response than “that’s awesome man.”

The “I Have a Legitimate Question For You” Text – These can throw you off if you’re not ready for them, but sometimes your mom or friend or somebody will send you a really serious text asking you an important question about something. And then when you don’t have the means to respond they get all mad at you for some reason. Just send me an email, mom. Did you ever consider I might not know my FAFSA pin number off the top of my head?

The “Drunk Text” – Overlaps with the “Flirting Text” a little bit but also has way bigger potential, both good and bad. For some reason I’m just a beast when it comes to typing my words correctly, so I don’t ever get caught up in any awkward Drexting situations. But if I did I’m sure they would be hysterical.