Jordan Crawford Irrational Confidence Award
Tom Hennessy
Mitch Lurie
Charlie O’Connell
Analysis: Even though he hates the Albies more than closed-toed shoes, that didn’t stop Tom from being nominated for a couple two tree awards this year. And there was never a doubt he’d be winning this award over Mitch and Charlie. At least they make an effort to spread their feet apart before chucking up an ill-advised shot. Tom doesn’t even bother. Tommy Chuckin’!
Paul Pierce “Stop Trying to Grow Facial Hair” Award
Jamie Dyer
Mike Salvucci
Dave Quinn
Analysis: Probably not the right category for someone they used to call Mustache Mike back in college, but I’m not a complainer so I’ll leave it at that. Jamie narrowly edges me out for this one.
Avery Bradley Best Defense Award
Zach Trubow
Joe Farina
Brendan Vaughan
Analysis:The first openly gluten-free player in the history of Albermarle All-Stars, Zack has been sidelined the past 6 months with a knee injury that I get twice a week. But the injury came late enough in the year for Zack to make a lasting impression as the best defensive player in the league. Unfortunately, he still has no answer for Mel when she says, “Come on Zack, you’re gonna take a nap while I read my Kindle. Let’s go.”
MarShon Brooks Worst Defense Award
Charlie O’Connell
Calvin Cestari
Michael Petrie
Analysis: Don’t feel bad guys. I developed a dominant post game last year that basically made me unguardable. Also I think my ass doubled in size in the past 12 months, so there’s really nothing you can do once I start backing you down. But there might be some hope for you. I was originally thinking quad-reduction once I got my CPA bonus, but ass reduction might be the way to go.
Ricky Rubio Best Passing Award
Mike Salvucci
Joe Farina
Jesse Simmons
Analysis: Passing is the new scoring, so it makes sense that I won this category.
Brook Lopez Worst Passing Award
Mitch Lurie
Charlie O’Connell
Tom Hennessy
Analysis: Considering Mitch broke up with his girlfriend more frequently in 2012 than he passed a basketball, its hard to argue with this award. Tom probably could have given him a run for his money, but there’s no evidence that Tom actually knows HOW to pass a basketball. So it wouldn’t exactly be fair to give him that award. It’d be like giving Jill the award for Worst at Turning on the Television.
Nikola Vucevic Best Rebounding Award
Brendan Vaughan
Dave Robb
Willie Barnes
Analysis: Little surprised by this one, to be honest. We’re talking about rebounding basketballs, right? Obviously if we’re talking about Mai Tai’s falling out of the sky, Dave Robb grabs every single one of them. But basketballs? Willie’s basically a white Dejuan Blair and Brenny has 8 inches on everyone. Upset city.
Larry Sanders Most Improved Award
Brendan Vaughan
Mike Salvucci
Dave Robb
Analysis: Well at least he’s consistent.
Deron Williams Least Improved Award
Mitch Lurie
Dave Quinn
Zach Trubow
Analysis: Weird award. Not really sure what it means. Pretty certain somebody just wanted to make fun of Deron Williams on this one. Although I think the more appropriate award should have gone to Tom for “Haircut Most Resembling Deron Williams.” I tried to help Tom out by giving him my patented Euro-cut, but it didn’t even last 48 hours before he buzzed it off.
Steve Nash Looks Best Doin’ It Award
Dave Quinn
Zach Trubow
Brady Newman
Analysis: There’s nothing that revs Quinn’s engine like winning this award, with the possible exception of a topical Halloween costume that makes him the life of the party. That’s quintessential Dave right there.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Best “Go-To” Move Award
Joey’s crossover/pull-up
Quinn’s baseline bank shot
Jamie’s 15-footer
Jamal Crawford Instant Offense Award
Charlie O’Connell
Tom Hennessy
Jamie Dyer
Analysis: Like what do you want me to say, Jamie makes buckets.
Doc Rivers Least Successful “Go-To” Move Award
Trubow’s finger roll
Tom’s turnaround fall-away
Brenny’s turnaround hook
Analysis. Not touching this one. Trubow’s finger roll? There’s only one road you can take here and I’m not doing it. I’ve learned the hard way on these. See McKnight, L., cerca 2011.
Dwight Howard Franchise-Killer Award
Charlie O’Connell
Mitch Lurie
Sam Hyatt
Analysis: They’re all franchise killers in different ways.
Mitch, for example, continues to kill teams by convincing his teammates that they contribute more than they actually do, thereby removing the attention from his 2-14 on 3-pointers statline. He’ll take 95% of your team’s shots and then look you dead in the eye and say “Great game, you were hitting a bunch of those baseline shots.” In reality, you only took one shot and it was a missed layup, but Mitch never lets the truth get in the way of that. He’s a team player! And you’re literally just so confused by the whole situation that you have no choice but to keep feeding Mitch the ball. It’s such an evil and manipulative strategy, but I kinda respect it.
Sam is just a textbook franchise killer. If you had to create the blueprint for someone who destroys team chemistry, Sam Hyatt would be it. Bombing 35-foot three-pointers one minute and hitting on his teammate’s girlfriend the next. Can’t trust his type.
And then Charlie, of course, is such a dominant personality that’s it hard for anyone else to have a voice. Just a divided locker-room between Charlie and everyone else.
P.S. The funny thing about Hyatt hitting on Farina’s girlfriend is that Sam thought he was being a good guy by not hitting on Ally for one night. Like, yeah that’s Joey’s cousin. I’ll take a night off. But helloooooo you.
Dirk Nowitzki Best Unorthodox Shot Award
Sal’s scoop shot
Mitch’s push shot
Jesse’s runner
Analysis: Did anyone else ever wear Under Armour spandex to middle school dances to help prevent any embarrassing situations? Or is that a Mike Salvucci special? I almost did that for Teo’s middle-school themed party, just for old time’s sake, but then I changed my mind at the last second. That’s why I’m so good at the scoop shot. Great at making last-minute decisions. You’re about to get blocked, and it’s just like whoooooooop, under-hand scoop shot. Works every time. .
Big Baby Grounded Award
Mitch Lurie
Mike Salvucci
Brendan Vaughan
Analysis: In Brenny’s defense, even if he could jump, it’s not like Brooke would let him stay up there very long. So what’s the guy supposed to do, really? His hands are tied.
Kevin Garnett Best Midrange Award
Jamie Dyer
Brady Newman
Charlie O’Connell
Analysis: You know what’s depressing? That this award is considered “one of the big ones.” Like imagine if we had “Best Dunker” or “Alley-Hoop of the Year”? Those would be cool. But no, best midrange is all we can manage. I guess it could be worse, though. Sadly, we’re not too far away from “Best Big Man with a Hip-Replacement,” or the “Gets Beat by his Child Award.” And I wasn’t thinking this when I first wrote it, but these are so obviously Dave Robb and Calvin, respectively.
Kobe Bryant Passion Award
Willie Barnes
Michael Kirschner
Mike Petrie
Analysis: Ben Dyer voted for Petrie and wrote on his ballot, “with white women?” First of all, who gave Ben Dyer a ballot? And second of all, if this really was the Kobe Bryant Passion for White Women Award (still works, conveniently), who would win? Probably Kirschner, right? I mean every girl immediately melts when Kirsch gives them the across-the-bar-stare. But you still never see him go after anything darker than an English muffin.
Paul Pierce Somehow Gets It Done Award
Sam Hyatt
Mike Salvucci
Michael Kirschner
Analysis: What a category. Dynamite nominees. None of us blessed with the greatest natural ability. But all of us are guys you sometimes want on your team. Kirsch was probably the leader in the clubhouse due to his general bull-in-a-China-shop nature. But Hyatt went after him like a cultural Jew trying to get on birthright. Just classic Hyatt. Always finding a way to get it done.
JR Smith Most Likely to Have a Bastard Child Award
Calvin Cestari
Analysis: The only category with one nominee. The committee who created the ballot thought it would be misleading for someone to actually challenge Calvin on this. That’s how much of a stranglehold he had on this category. But hey, you did go to the Olive Garden at 10 am on New Years Day. So even with this award I feel like you come out on top for the year.
Kwame Brown Worst Hands Award
Brian Robb
Michael Kirschner
Brendan Vaughan
Analysis: Disappointed that B-Robb couldn’t join us to grab his award. But I guess that would violate the rule that two Robb brothers must be at Golden Temple at all times. We all know how difficult it was for Dave to get away for one night. Question, though. If the Celtics are setting fire to all the construction sites in Boston, which brother gets to be there?
MVP A-Gourd
Farina
Analysis. Congrats Joe. The 3rd MVP A-Gourd in the history of the Albermarle All-Stars. You couldn’t beat Mitch or Quinn when it really mattered, and you really only won because of the newly implemented “no-repeat” rules. And the sad thing for you is that 25 years from now, nobody’s even going to remember it. It’s like I always say, trying to remember who won the third MVP A-Gourd is like trying to remember your third set of boobs. Obviously you remember Kate Winslet and Apolonia, but after that they all sort of blend together.
P.S. I’m almost embarrassed to admit how much time I’ve spent extending the Kate Winslet/Apolonia analogy to Mitch and Quinn. Just making comparisons in my head trying to figure out which is which. I guess gun to my head Mitch is Apolonia, but I could easily see myself changing my mind in the morning.
