6. The biggest question facing America right now is, “How will Kris Humphries fit in with the rest of the Kardashian guys? Sure, our credit rating is in the toilet and our unemployment rate is approaching the Mendoza line. Not to mention there’s a natural disaster like every other week and we have no money. What America really wants to know is how this Kris Humphries thing is going to shake out.
In my opinion there’s just no way that Lamar, Scott and Rob can be happy about this. They had such a good thing going. Rob told the jokes. Scott played the pranks. And Lamar brought the swag. Now Kris shows up being all in love and shit and ruins the whole vibe. Like can’t you see Rob and Scott huddled around Lamar being all like, “Next time the Nets come to the Staples Center, you’re gonna flagrant foul his ass so hard even Kobe will feel a little bad.”
7. If you’re gonna break into our apartment and try to steal our shit, you can’t be passing out on the living room floor. Like, c’mon bro, you gotta do a little better than that. I’m no expert on robbing people or anything, but I feel like you got to make out with at least a GameCube in this situation. Something to make it worth your while… Dude made it like 10 steps before he just collapsed right in front of the TV. Honestly, I realize Josh and I aren’t the most intimidating guys on the planet, but if you break into our apartment and pass the fuck out right in front of us, you can bet your bottom dollar we’re probably gonna call the cops.
8. Just because you’re living at home doesn’t mean the refrigerator is stocked. Hey Mom, no offense, but summer vacation is over. Like seriously, it’s time to get your act together. There’s this place in Newtonville, got a bunch of snacks and shit, I think they call it Shaws. Might want to head over there and bop around for a while, see what you come up with…
I’m honestly starting to miss those days when you come back to your apartment at 3am, open up an empty refrigerator, and say to yourself, “Fuck it, I’m getting New Hong Kong.” Because at least in that situation you can chalk it up to survival. People gotta eat. But when you’re sitting in your own house, there’s just no way you can pull the trigger on ordering food at that hour. Just not a path you want to be starting down. Because the next thing you know you’re thinking about how much time you’ll save chopping vegetables with the Magic Bullet and reaching for your credit card.
9. I kinda like sharing beds with dudes. I know, I know… probably shouldn’t be going down this road, given my recent history and everything. But it’s the truth. A few times this summer we had friends over and there simply wasn’t enough room on the couch. And I’m not kidding when I say those nights were some of my best night’s sleep I had. First off, the pillow talk is amazing. “Well yeah, I definitely like Arian Foster. I’m not saying he’s not a Top 5 back, I just think Jamaal Charles is gonna be better this year.” And second of all, unless it’s with Ebram, I don’t have to worry about them trying to cuddle in the middle of the night and waking me up. Seriously, bro, that was a little weird.
10. Donald Glover does a lot of cool shit. I swear to God, if one more person puts on “Freaks and Geeks” and asks me if I watch “Community”, I’m gonna fucking lose my mind. Like, enough already. Dude’s talented. We get it. People literally think they belong at a Talent Agency after making this observation. Drives me up a wall. And actually, while we’re on the subject, can we all just agree that Alison Brie is hot and that we don’t have to talk about that anymore, either? Because that’s usually the conversation that follows the discussion about how hilarious Donald Glover is on “Community.” Seriously, it’s like you’re all robots.
