The Second Annual Albie Awards took place Friday, Sept. 2 in front of a capacity crowd of 20 in Tom’s basement. And for the second straight year, Mitch stole the show, aka drank the most. Here are some of the highlights of night:
Best tiebreaker: Giving the MVP A-Gourd outright to Quinn because Joey was not there to claim his share of the award. No offense Joe, but you really think you’re good looking enough to get into Wonder Bar? Because I gave up on that years ago.
Best idea that obviously I came up with: Albermarle All-Star jerseys. Ben still works at Radnor Printing right?
Greatest opportunity cost: The Stanley Cup being at MA’s. Still stings a little bit.
Best tweet: @MikeSalvucci: “Let’s get this thing going. BC law students don’t have all night. #albies.” Classic Mike right there. Just classic. Seriously, these BC guys all think they’re the fucking toast of the town. Like, no, I can’t possibly order Buffalo wings with you guys because I’m on call tomorrow. I’m getting the steak tips instead… Give me a break. You know when I was on call? Every day since 2008 because that’s what happens in college.
Arrogant observation of the night: Quinn, for his “For some reason all my awards have to do with me looking good” remark. Honestly, this kinda confirms my suspicions. Dude’s obsessed with himself. Seriously Dave, go change your Profile Pic another 12 times this week.
Lamest running joke: Mike only making like 5 appearances all summer. LOL so funny! Seriously, never heard that one before. Sorry I’m a provider and work for a living. NERDS.
Most noteworthy irrelevant attendee: Brady’s friend. PHEW! At first I was worried that transferring from Wake Forest would mean I would miss out on meeting tons of girls. But clearly Brady is bringing them all up to Newton one at a time, so it’s basically like I never left!
Wet blanket of the night: Tom. To be fair, I’m not saying Tom was actually the wettest blanket of all the blankets that were there. But relative to his usual fun-loving self, Tom simply was not feeling the Albies this year. Every so often he would just scream unpleasant words from the back corner. I don’t know if he was just confused because nobody was calling the cops looking for him that night, but something was in the water, for sure.
Embarrassing moment/Under the radar best comment: Zack presenting an award to Kirschner. “There really isn’t a way to measure this. But this award is for someone that does all the tangibles right.” Yeah man, there’s really no way to measure all those tangibles. Points, rebounds, assists. Those aren’t the type of stats that show up in the box score.
Nice moment of the night to be undercut by this blog: Dave Robb giving Mitch the Sportsmanship Award. Sure, it was a really nice gesture for Dave to acknowledge Mitch’s alleged sportsmanship by personally honoring him with this award. But shouldn’t this lead to the obvious question that is, “What is Mitch’s hidden agenda with being such a good sport?” Seriously, how have we gone like 3 years without ever addressing this elephant in the room? Because with the exception of Jamie, no doubt Mitch is the biggest asshole in the group. So something clearly doesn’t add up here.
Personally, I think Mitch should have won the Poor Sportsmanship Award. Seriously, how many times per game will somebody air-ball an off-balance jumper from the corner and then have to listen to Mitch mumble something like, “Good shot. Keep shootin’ em.” Like no offense Mitch, but are you actually an idiot? Like, do you honestly not know anything about basketball? That was a deep, fadeaway jumper that had absolutely zero chance of going in. It’s literally the worst shot a player can attempt. And you’re gonna stand there with your shirt tucked in offering up words of encouragement? I don’t know, seems a little pompous to me.
THE FUTURE OF THE ALBIES
Ok, so I think we can safely say that the Albies are here to stay. Like, I envision us carrying on this tradition well into Calvin’s third divorce. But I think there are a few different directions we can take the Albies. First of all, we definitely need to start doing them while wearing suits, because if you watch Mad Med you obviously know that everything is cooler when you’re wearing a suit. And then, if we really want to get ambitious, maybe we start making a weekend out of the whole thing. Because eventually we’re all going to have jobs and stuff, so maybe this will be a good excuse for everyone to hang out for a few days.
But here’s the real issue facing the Albies: What are we going to do about the MVP A-Gourd? Because there’s no way that we are alternating between Mitch, Joey and Quinn for the next 30 years. Like, sorry basketball is my 5th best sport and it’s all your Number 1’s. If we played pickup soccer, then Trubes and I would alternate every year and maybe once we’d throw Jesse a Lifetime Achievement award. But that’s not the case. It just so happens that we play basketball. Arbitrary shenanigans.
My proposal: The MVP A-Gourd is awarded to the Albermarle All-Star that has the best overall year. And I’m not talking about basketball. I’m talking about life. Get a big promotion? Throw a bachelor party in Vegas? Get over 1 million views on Youtube for something? These are all things that would put you in the running. There wouldn’t be any specific criteria. Just a vote. I don’t want to say I’m on to something, but I’m definitely on to something.
