Draft Day

I appreciate all the positive feedback from the player profiles. I know I’ve been told I need to be more of an asshole and write more honestly about how bad we all are at basketball. That was originally my intention. But if we all suck then that will be the end of our careers, and then the story is over. However, I will try to take more direct shots at people whenever possible. For example, when I previously wrote that Brenny could make bank as the lawyer in my first divorce, I clearly meant Calvin’s first divorce. I just didn’t pull the trigger. Because in all seriousness, Calvin will not only be married by age 23, he will also be divorced before any of us take the plunge. Yes, this includes before Mitch ever-so-romantically mumbles to Sarah, “Uhh...so...would you....uhhh....marrymeplease?” Can’t wait til that one goes down. Not gonna lie though, I feel a little sorry for Sarah in this situation. I mean, it’s basically a 100% guarantee that Mitch buys the ring on ebay. And when he has the chance to pawn it off to someone on Craigslist at a slight markup, he’s definitely asking for it back, right?

Anyway, for those of you wondering what’s next for the Albermarle All-Stars, Draft Day has finally arrived. Mitch, Quinn and Farina were the only ones invited to New York. All were projected lottery picks. Quinn spent a fortune on his suit and looks very dapper. Mike was pissed he didn’t get the call, but David Stern couldn’t afford one of his new employees to suffer a career-ending injury while walking up on stage. Mike understood.

Eleven out of the twelve Albermarle All-Stars were projected to be drafted. Trubow, unfortunately, has not yet completed a year of college, and therefore is not eligible to enter the draft (Yes, I know it’s actually an age minimum. This is the “Trubow is 21 and entering freshman year joke.” It’s called funny). Zack will be playing for Division 5 powerhouse Wentworth Institute of Technology, under new rookie coach, Raj. Also worth mentioning, Tom wanted to return to Arizona as a super senior, but after hiring Ben Dyer as his agent, he can no longer return to school.

Anyway, here’s how it all played out:

Farina - #3 to the Brooklyn Ballers (formerly the New Jersey Nets)
Added the best player on the board and fulfilled a need. That’s what you want with the third overall pick. Gives the Ballers the small forward they needed, no offense Chris Douglas-Roberts. With Brook Lopez and Derrick Favors sure to both receive double-teams in the post, Farina will get his fair share of looks. Will be asked to fill LeBron’s role as Jay-Z’s butt buddy, but for some reason I just don’t see it happening.

Mitch - #5 to Sacramento Kings
Well, Mitch does love purple so I guess this works. Ready to slide right into the starting lineup in either the 2 or 3 spot, with Tyreke Evans still running the point. Should be able to beat out foreigners Omri Casspi and Ben Udrih for the majority share of minutes, but will need to shoot at a high percentage if he’s going to keep that starting spot as a rookie. I worry about the influence DeMarcus Cousins will have on his work ethic, though.

Quinn - #6 to Golden State Warriors
What a surprise! The Warriors select a lengthy player with incredible offensive ability who needs to work on defense and toughness. I still love the pick. Maybe the most upside of anyone in this draft. With Quinn in the 3/4 hybrid wing position, Stephon Curry at the 2, and David Lee in his prime, this is going to be a tough team to stop. Also I’m really liking their new look.http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/ball_dont_lie/post/Upgrade-Golden-State-brings-back-the-bridge?urn=nba,249317

Mike - #14 to Portland Trail Blazers
A very good pick as Andre Miller enters the final year of his contract. Mike should be ready to assume the starting position by his second season, although he should average 15-20 minutes per game this season. Can’t wait to see what playing next to Brandon Roy does for his game. Also can’t wait to see what standing next to Greg Oden in the locker room does for his confidence.

Hyatt - #19 to Atlanta Hawks
First Katrina, then the oil spill. Now the New Orleans Hornets pass on the local boy with the #18 pick. Talk about devastation. But Atlanta finally adds a potential small forward to replace Marvin Williams and simply put that horrendous pick behind them. Sam’s friends are excited about his relocation to the ATL though, as they are hopeful the Lil Wayne obsession will finally end and they can start listening to Ludacris, Outkast and B.o.B.

Jesse - #21 to Phoenix Suns
A great fast-paced system for Jesse. Can play shooting guard and backup Steve Nash at the point. Should learn a lot from Nash in his final years as a pro. Definitely see the two of them getting along. Both like to grow their hair out from time to time, both have earthy diets, both like soccer. Could be the start of a great friendship. Also I’m ready to hear some Jared Dudley stories, who secretly is the funniest man in the NBA. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJo9aDjEZDs&feature=related

Dave Robb - # 24 to San Antonio Spurs
Was I right about the Tim Duncan comparison or was I right about the Tim Duncan comparison? The Spurs seem to think so, and have named Dave Robb as the heir apparent to his throne. Unfortunately it looks like San Antonio is heading toward a decade of misery as its Big Three declines more and more each year. Good luck Dave.

Brenny - #32 to New York Knicks
David Stern: “With the 32nd pick in the 2011 NBA Draft, the New York Knicks select...Brendan Vaughn.” And the Knicks fans at Radio City Music Hall erupt!!! The savior has arrived! Lebron Who??? Spike Lee has stripped down to his underwear and just ran on stage to give Brenny a hug! Random strangers are making celebratory babies in the aisles! The crowd has completely lost its mind! Actually no they haven’t. They don’t care at all. Have fun in the Big Apple Brenny.

Jamie - # 33 to Miami Heat via Minnesota Timberwolves
The Miami Heat trade up to select Jamie early in the second round. They pick up a shooter who can also backup D-Wade. I think it’s safe to say that Jamie ends up with the most championship rings of any of the Albermarle All-Stars. My prediction is that Wade and Bosh eventually get sick of Lebron and start taking Jamie out with them. Then Wade realizes he’ll get more pussy if he leaves Bosh’s ugly ass at home. So basically Wade and Jamie are just going to Eiffel Tower all of South Beach for the next 5 years.

Calvin - #35 to Sacramento Kings
“Ohh It's the we don't drink Jager crew! What up E?!” Remember that episode of Entourage when the boys keep running into Seth Green in Vegas and he repeatedly asks Eric to say what up to Sloan? This scenario is definitely playing out at some point in Calvin’s life, right? Like, when Calvin, Mitch, Tyreke and DeMarcus take a weekend trip to Vegas next year, Calvin almost certainly runs into some famous pint-size celebrity that used to bang his girl. For some reason I think it will be Tobey Maguire, just a hunch. Then Calvin goes all “tough-guy” mode and acts like he’s gonna kick Spidey’s ass. Mitch and DeMarcus hold Cal back like he’s actually gonna do something, and then the whole situation settles down when Tyreke leaves with four hunnies on his arm and everyone follows. Good pick for the Kings.

Tom - #38 to Cleveland Cavaliers, outright refuses to ever sign with them, and forces trade to Boston Celtics
So here’s how it goes down: Tom immediately calls his agent Ben and declares he’ll never play for that loose cannon Dan Gilbert. Ben, however, doesn’t even know Tom still plays basketball, never mind who Dan Gilbert is. Truth be told, Ben wasn’t really paying attention when he agreed to be Tom’s agent. He thought Tom just wanted some t-shirts made or something. Anyway, Tom fills him in on the details and Ben shrugs and half-heartedly agrees to take care of it. Classic Ben. Ben makes a few phone calls and, badabing badaboom, Tom is now on the Celtics. No word yet on what the Celts plan to do with Scal now that T-Bird fulfills the white Irish quota.