A lot of people have been asking me lately, “Hey Mike, isn’t Barstool hiring right now? Why don’t you apply?” Listen, I’ll tell you why. The reason I don’t apply is the same reason why I don’t ask girls out on dates. Not because I’m afraid of rejection. But because I don’t know what the fuck I would do when they inevitably say yes. When I see a girl with a cute face, I obviously think it would be fun to spend more time with her. But at what price? Do I really want to go out to dinner with you? Answer: no. I really don’t want to do that. “Oh but Mike, you’re such a regular guy. I’m sure deep-down you would really enjoy getting to know someone.”
Listen, have I not made myself perfectly clear about this in the past? Honestly, have I been writing in fucking Mandarin or something for the past 6 months? I mean, I know my calligraphy in Ms. Gao’s 3rd grade Chinese class was top-notch shit. That lady basically thought I was straight out of the Ming Dynasty or something. But I think I did a pretty good job of explaining how there are very few things that guys care about in the world.
If you still think I’m over-exaggerating how little I care about non-sports related issues, guess again. I literally still have no idea what the fuck happened in Egypt over the past few weeks. Not even kidding, my mom texted 5 days in a row, “Mike watch CNN. History being made in Egypt.” Ok, Mom. Will do. In all seriousness, if you offered me $1 billion to tell you what the name of that Pharaoh guy that they overthrew was, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I would probably say “Ahmadinejad” because that seems to be the answer to questions like that 75% of the time. I don’t even know what the hell an Ahbadidajad is, to be honest. Like, is that a person? A country? Who cares, it’s still probably the right answer. Anyway, the point is: unless this chick is ready to talk NBA, some Red Sox spring-training, maybe even a little hip-hop sprinkled in on top, I'm really not interested.
But then there are those people that will say, “Oh but Mike, you don’t have to go out to dinner, you could try going to a movie. That doesn’t involve nearly as much talking.” Oh really! Do I really want to go see some lame-ass movie with some girl I don’t even know? Because the last time I went down that path, I ended up seeing Marley & Me, in theaters, MORE THAN ONCE! And you’re looking at a guy that deliberately roots for the Philadelphia Eagles because he hates dogs so much. So just try to imagine how thrilled I was about that.
So yeah, that’s why I didn’t apply to Barstool. Not because I’m worried about him tearing me apart or just flat-out ignoring me, but because I have no idea what I would do if he actually offered me a position. The truth is, I have better things to do with my time. Like trying to put together a legitimate career of my own. Seriously, like what if El Pres was like, “Sure Mike, we’d love to have you aboard.” How do I even possibly think about taking that job? Like, that’s a 100% wrap on the rest of your life. You can’t do anything legitimate after working at the Stool, right? I like your beard.
