A few years ago, back when The Gap was still a place where reasonable people could buy clothes, I went to the one at the Atrium to get a pair of jeans. After I try on a few pairs and make my decision, I obviously go up to pay for them. I give the girl behind the register my credit card, and she swipes it. But then she writes her name and phone number on the receipt and tells me to call her personally if there are any problems.
I remember thinking to myself, “Well, that’s just ridiculous. If there are problems with these jeans, I’m probably just going to return them. Not sure how calling you on your cell phone is going to fix anything.” It honestly wasn’t until I was back in my car that I realized, “Wait a second, was that just what I think it was?” Then when I got home and opened up the bag, I saw that this girl had “accidentally” left the security tag on my jeans, forcing me to go back into the store to have it removed. So I get in the car again and drive back to the Atrium. I walk into the store, and, just my luck, this girl is nowhere to be found. I have some other random employee remove the security tag and then I leave and go about my day. I never end up calling her, and that’s basically the end of this story.
But three years later, I still kinda regret it. Like what if that was some huge missed opportunity? I mean, superficial hook-ups that eventually fizzle out after two months don’t just grow on trees. And that’s especially true once you’ve graduated college and are stuck living with your parents. So you know what? I decided I’m going to leave my name and number on the receipt for one of the waitresses at Union St. The problem is, I can’t decide which one. Here are the frontrunners:
Waitress who loves me but is probably a little old for me. Two weeks ago, I waited by myself at the bar for like 30 minutes, and she kept me company. Plus she laughs at all my jokes, which is kind of a big thing for me. For example, she started informing us of how many wings we were eligible for based on the number of beers we had bought. “Well, you guys have ordered 3 pitchers, and you’ve only ordered 40 wings. So you can order another 50 wings!” Naturally, I made some witty comment about how we should be able to rollover those wings to next week and she just ate it up. “Hehehehe, oh that’s gooood. Nobody’s ever asked about that. I think I’m gonna tell my manager that one.” You do that, honey. Then come back like three years younger and maybe we can talk.
Waitress with the glasses who’s gonna ask about the Miller Lite beer tower. Love the initiative that this girl takes. She brings us this sweet Boston Celtics edition beer tower which I immediately identify as a fantastic trophy for the Albermarle All-Star of the Year Award. So we ask her how much it would cost to take it home with us. Instead of just laughing it off like most people probably would, she asks her manager about it and comes back with the most detailed response of all-time. Says that they rent it from the Miller Lite promotion company, so technically they can’t sell it to us. But since she knows we come every week, her manager is gonna try to get one for us by next Monday. Great news for us. Unfortunately for me, I’m pretty sure I saw this girl with her boyfriend during Week 3.
Waitress who’s Pre-med and therefore out of the running as a long-term option. This girl started off strong by recognizing us a “regulars.” And I’m pretty sure she’d never actually waited on us before, so that sense of awareness will put you on my radar 100 times out of 100. Unfortunately, though, it was mostly downhill from there. I recycled the same “rollover wings” joke with her and it missed completely. Then she had to close out her tab early with us because she needed to go study for her molecular biology exam. Trying to be a doctor or some shit. And everybody knows I only date teachers, nurses and Winter Olympians, so obviously that’s not gonna fly.
