Everyone knows by this point that Theo Epstein is leaving for Chicago to become their President of Baseball Operations. And you can’t really blame him. He accomplished everything he set out to accomplish. He will be adored by Red Sox fans whenever he shows his face in Boston. And so, I wish him the best of luck.
But that got me thinking. There are some changes that I would like to make in my own life. For instance, I’ve pretty much been the official 3rd Wheel of Team Zack and Mel for the past couple years. We basically do everything together. We play Words with Friends together. We go on Spring Break together. There really isn’t anything that I’m excluded from.
Nevertheless, I think it’s time for a change. No offense guys, you’ve been great. Honestly, you really have. But I’ve won my two World Series already, and there’s not much left for me to accomplish here. I need a new challenge. So effective Monday, October 17, 2011 I’m officially signing with Team Dave and Libby as President of Relationship Operations.
Obviously, my biggest obstacle will be convincing Libby that I’m actually a halfway decent person, because on Friday night she basically told me she thought I was an asshole. Honestly, though, I can’t even blame her for trying to add some variety to our conversation. Because for as long as Libby and I have known each other, we essentially have only had two discussion topics: Libby’s marathon training and my trip to Europe. And unfortunately, you can only get so much mileage out of a race that Libby’s never run and a continent that I’ve never actually been to.
Next order of business. When we’re out at a bar with all our friends, stop pretending like you’re on a first date. It’s ridiculous. Act like you’ve been there before. Seriously, everybody else is dancing and having a great time, and these two will be sitting in the corner flirting with each other. On Saturday night at The Draft, for example, I saw Dave gently touch Libby’s knee and then quickly pull it back as if he was trying to play it cool. Like, bro, you know you’re already going home with her, right? You don’t need to win her over. Casually putting your hand on a girl’s knee is arguably the most important move for a single guy, so for you to go around wasting it like that is pretty irresponsible. I mean, isn’t that like the entire point of being in a relationship? So you can talk about sports with your buddies all night and then get some anyway without needing to try?
And finally, we need to make sure Libby stops calling him “Quinn.” Listen, you guys aren’t a couple of bros shooting the shit together at the Plex. You’re boyfriend and girlfriend. If a girl ever calls me Sal or Voochi, I obviously know right away that I have zero chance with her. It’s a fucking death sentence. Clean it up Libs.
