Highlights from All-Star Weekend

One Week til All-Star Weekend

Part II of the Popular Ongoing Series: "European adventures with Michael Kirschner and his subsequent roast"

Matching your scarf to random buildings is the new hotness.

Editor's Note: This seemed to be a big hit last time, so I asked Kirsch if he would write another one. He was like, "Two weeks with Hyatt? The thing will practically write itself." I'm sure it did, but thanks again Mike. We miss ya buddy.  

By Michael Kirschner

For those of you who haven’t been following the hourly play-by-play travel commentary that is Hyatt’s Facebook, we first met up in Sofia, Bulgaria a few weeks ago.  I caught a cab from the airport and headed to the hostel where Sam was at.  After not seeing anyone from Newton since the two-week European bender of a Eurotrip with Robb and Sal, this was somewhat of a big deal for me - The three months prior to this I was in England surrounded by girls who make North ’07 chicks look like a NESN sideline reporter.  I can say that because I’m fairly certain that the 2-3 girls who read Sal’s blog are the only ones that statement doesn’t apply to… Kid is such a stud.  So anyways, by agreeing to travel with Hyatt, we were essentially committing to wing for each other in cities containing some of the best-looking women in the world (Not including Sofia. Teo you’re still the youngest and most attractive Bulgarian I’ve ever seen.  That city makes my grandparents’ Florida gated community look like a college dorm).  

But it was immediately upon seeing him at the Sofia hostel that a hint of doubt and a wave of nausea hit me.  It’s about 65 degrees outside and Hyatt’s sporting an off-grey striped scarf which can only be described as an attempt to remind me of the British dudes I had been surrounded by the last few months. It was like I never left. Frilly.  Metro.  A splash of color.  Clearly he enjoys hanging out with ‘portly’ women.  Not only for the rest of the trip does he wear this thing like a noose on his dignity, he’s got at least three other scarves in reserve that make the first look acceptable.  There was one time in Sarajevo when he spent the better part of 15 minutes in front of a mirror with his neck warmers fidgeting around until I had to drag him out of the room, seconds away from actually putting one of these things to use and choking him out with it.  I’m pretty sure that sort of crime is still fair game in Bosnia.

When it came to going out, Hyatt was almost always down.  So when he told me about how he’d been doing alright for himself in Israel and Turkey, I set aside the whole scarf thing and waited to see what all the talk was about.  Now I’m not trying to pat myself on the back here, but ask Robb or Sal; when it comes to approaching girls in Europe I have few inhibitions.  My pickup line is usually something like ‘Hey you’re backpacking? / like this bar? No way! me too…that’s so funny’ and somehow it usually works.  It’s more of a spray and prey strategy.  But, when the last time a Bosnian girl saw an American was when NATO airdropped into her elementary school when she was 5, I suppose that memory somehow gets things started on the right foot.  So I would approach with the first line to a pair of girls and kick things off.  What I cannot explain is how without fail, with all the girls we met, Hyatt weaseled his way in with the hotter one.  For the life of me I simply cannot explain it.  I approach the lesser creature, he hangs on to the hot one like he’s ready to take a knee, and from what I’ve heard still might.  I approach the better looking one, and he sets some bizarre chess move pick and pulls a switcharoo.  

Sal and I had a great system when he was here. I’m a dark haired Jew, so I go with the brunette. Sal’s from Italian/Aryan decent so he takes the blond.  It was like Hyatt had completely forgotten the fact that I had just pulled us dates clean off the street for Sarajevo Salsa Night and had no courtesy whatsoever. 

What added salt to the wound was what he would pull the next day on Facebook, usually after we had left the city, never to see our friends from the previous night again.  Hyatt would take down their info the night before on his fucking iPhone, friend BOTH of them, and start chatting them up.  What this meant for me is I get the one Hyatt didn’t want friending me and messaging about whether I made the bus in the morning and how my trip was going.  Yes I made the bus don’t you think Sam would have asked you both out for coffee, a pack of smokes and a round of fried meat pies this morning if we hadn’t?  Trust me he absolutely would have.

The next thing I need to comment on is what it’s like to walk around an unfamiliar city with Hyatt.  It’s like this kid has never crossed a street before.  Like I need to hold his hand and give him the heads up when we get the walk signal.  It must have been a half dozen times he just completely missed a pedestrian light cycle.   As if the last thing on his mind while walking around a city, was actually walking around the city.  His mind must have been preoccupied with piecing together the poetic novel of a Facebook status he was getting ready to post: "Sarajevo is an incredibly amazing city, easily one of my favorites in the world. It was sad to leave, but the drive to Mostar was one of the most beautiful and scenic rides ever. For 2.5 hours we wove through a beautiful mountain range, next to a river who’s color I can only describe as emerald. Absolutely stunning ride."

We wove…? Emerald...?  I mean you’re right man.  The water was pretty sweet.  The bus did make quite a few turns.  But take a picture, toss it up and spare me the embarrassment of being associated with these honeymoon updates.  I was tempted to open his account while he was working out what scarf went best with his one and only sweatshirt and post something:  ‘Ride to Croatia was like driving through 3 hours of a chemical wasteland.  Good news is despite the fact that I’ve only been eating fried street food for the past month somehow I’ve only put on 10 pounds!"

It may sound like I’m poking fun at Hyatt’s sexuality.  The truth is, I absolutely am.   But when your cover photo is you actually sucking on a vegetable, it’s hard not to.

NBA Playoff Predictions

I guess this technically is a basketball blog.

Eastern Conference:

Round 1:

Bulls vs. Sixers: The Bulls were secretly hoping the Knicks would fall to the 8-seed, because the Sixers have the energy/athleticism/defense to give them problems. But Philly doesn’t play with enough consistency to win a playoff series. Especially going up against the most consistent team in the league. Bulls in 5.

Heat vs. Knicks: You gotta figure that the crowd at MSG is good for at least one win in the series. And you can probably assume that Carmelo (30 ppg in April) is good for another win. But that’s pretty much it. The Knicks’ offense is a mess when Tyson and Amare play together. And even though Carmelo has been awesome at the 4 lately, that’s because nobody has been able to match up with him down low. Unfortunately for the Knicks, LeBron might be the one guy in the world who can. Heat in 6.  

Pacers vs. Magic: As soon as Dwight went down, everyone immediately put the Magic on “Ewing Theory” alert. Not to play spoiler, but that’s usually not how “Ewing Theories” work. They usually come out of nowhere when you least expect it. The Pacers are well coached and have worked hard all season to earn that Number 3 seed. They’ll be ready to play. Pacers in 5.

Celtics vs. Hawks: Still can’t figure out why Doc threw in the towel on that Atlanta game last week, basically conceding home-court advantage to the 5^th seeded Hawks. It’s even more perplexing when you consider the struggles the Celtics have had in Atlanta in recent years. This season, Joe Johnson has been his usual clutch-self, and Josh Smith will get some All-NBA Third Team votes. But Jeff Teague has been erratic, Kirk Hinrich has underperformed, Al Horford is still injured, and the Celtics are playing their best basketball in 14 months. Celtics in 6.

Eastern Conference Semifinals:

Bulls vs. Celtics: Say what you want about the Bulls’ depth, but the Celtics still have 3 of the 4 best players in the series. That means something in basketball. If Luol Deng can outplay Pierce, which is a definite possibility, then this series swings back in favor of the Bulls. But everything that Pierce has been saying lately (talking about his place in Celtics' history, etc.) leads me to believe that he is going to bring his “A” game this entire post-season. Furthermore, with a banged-up Derrick Rose unable to get consistent playing time lately, Chicago’s offense has been somewhat out of synch. Rose is a superstar and loves having the weight of the world on his shoulders, for better or worse. But the Bulls run into problems sometimes when he tries to do too much. The book on Rose is to clog the lane and force him to make bad decisions. Doc probably knows this, too. And the Celts’ defense will be ready. Celtics in 6.

Heat vs. Pacers: If you check out the Pacers’ Wikipedia page, there’s a section labeled “2007-Present: Danny Granger Era.” That’s not a good sign. Indiana doesn’t have a player who can propel them to that next level. In this series, their only advantage is with Roy Hibbert at center. Listen, I love Hibbert. He does everything well and has great chemistry with Jean Ralphio. But unless he goes for like 35 points, I don’t see the Pacers even earning a victory in this series. Heat in 4.

Eastern Conference Finals:

Heat vs. Celtics: The Celtics are better than last year. Stiemsma is better than JO. Bass is better than Baby. And Avery Bradley has a chance to be an All-Star in this league. So on that alone, I would feel better about this series than I did about last year’s matchup. But what really gives the Celtics some hope, is their rebounding matchups against the Heat. The Celtics, as we all know, are the worst rebounding team in the league. While I consider it to be their only weakness, it is a significant weakness. The C’s have lost a handful of games this season due to their inability to grab a late board. But against the Heat, the Celtics seem to be more active on the glass. During those two early April victories against Miami, Boston grabbed more rebounds in both games. Rondo, in particular, rebounds incredibly well against the Heat. Boston’s most glaring weakness suddenly becomes neutralized (and in some games, a strength). I’m not saying I expect the Celtics to win this series. But for those of you who were disappointed by their 4-1 series loss to Miami last year, I promise you the Celtics would put up a better fight this time around. Heat in 7.  

Western Conference:

Round 1:

Spurs vs. Jazz: Gotta feel happy for Al Jefferson. He was decimal points away from averaging a 20-10, and somehow dragged this team through the mud and managed to earn that final playoff spot. Also, Gordon Hayward has quietly been averaging 16 ppg the last month or so, and has been their second best player. They’ll be lucky to win one game in this series, though. The Spurs are pretty much better at every position, from the coach right down to the last folding chair on the bench. Spurs in 4.

Thunder vs. Mavericks: Of all the teams in the NBA, I feel the most uncomfortable trying to assess Dallas. I don’t think they’ve tried at any point this season. I’m just waiting for the playoffs to start to see if they have any interest in competing at all. Ultimately, I think they’ll show some fight. But when Russell Westbrook steamrolls through the lane and dunks for 45^th time in the series, people are really gonna start to miss Tyson Chandler. Thunder in 5.

Lakers vs. Nuggets: The Lakers are weird. They have the best center in the league. The most offensively gifted power forward. The second greatest basketball player of all-time. And yet, I still have no doubt that this is going at least 6 games, and maybe 7. If you’ve watched any of The Association this season, you marvel at how the Nuggets are a true team. George Karl is an awesome coach. Lawson and Gallinari have blossomed into solid players and even better leaders. It’s just locker room full of team guys who work hard and really want to win. They’ll give it everything they got, but talent wins in basketball. Lakers in 6.

Grizzlies vs. Clippers: As high as I am on the Grizzlies, I may be even lower on the Clippers. This is not a team built for playoff basketball. Right now I’m not even convinced that Blake Griffin can be the third best player on a championship team, and he’s currently the second. Home-court advantage may have given them some hope, but that’s out of the question now. Grizzlies in 5.  

Western Conference Semifinals:

Spurs vs. Grizzlies: Last year the Spurs were the Number 1 seed and lost their first-round matchup to the Grizzlies. The shocking thing about that series? It wasn’t that shocking. Everyone walked away from that series saying the same thing: Memphis was the better team. This year, the Spurs add a healthy Ginobili and a revitalized version of Tony Parker that is 25% better than last year. The Grizzlies counter with a healthy Rudy Gay and a dedicated version of O.J. Mayo that is 125% better than last year. Call it a wash. Memphis dominated San Antonio last year. I can’t envision Popovich allowing that to happen again, but I still like boys from Tennessee. Grizzlies in 7.  

Thunder vs. Lakers: After working their asses off to get by Denver, the Lakers just won’t have enough to keep pace with the Thunder. OKC will be ready for them. Remember back in 2010 when the Thunder took Game 1 of their first-round matchup with the Lakers? Everyone was hoping they could pull off the upset, but the Lakers experience prevailed and they went on to win 4 of the next 5 games. The Thunder won’t let this opportunity slip away again. The starting lineups are basically even, but we know how important bench play can be. And that’s a major edge to OKC. Also, what’s the over/under on clutch 3-pointers Derek Fisher hits in this series? 8 ½? Thunder in 7.     

Western Conference Finals:

Thunder vs. Grizzlies: A rematch of the best playoff series from last season; a thrilling 7-game series that featured some of the most entertaining basketball I have ever seen. Memphis ended up losing that triple-overtime game, which proved to be the difference in the series. But this year I think the Grizz get their revenge.

Here are things that matter in playoff basketball: interior scoring and perimeter defense. Memphis has the advantage in both. Mike Conley and Tony Allen are elite defenders who have the ability to contain Westbrook and Harden.  And Rudy Gay is reaching the point in his career when he finally tells himself, “This is my sixth season as an NBA player. Nobody really respects my game. I’m arguably the most athletic guy in the league. I’m just gonna focus on defense and shut down Kevin Durant for the next two weeks and I don’t care about anything else.” That’s a potentially scary thought for the Thunder, especially when you consider how ineffective Ibaka and Perkins are offensively. I know everyone else is saying it, but that’s their fatal flaw: inside scoring. It’s difficult to win three consecutive playoff series when you rely on three perimeter players to score 75% of your points. Meanwhile, Memphis has two of the most talented big men in the league. Even when one has an off-night, they’re still really tough to defend. Grizzlies in 7.

NBA Finals: 

Heat vs. Grizzlies: This is the year. This is LeBron’s final chance. I’m honestly ready to say that if he doesn’t win a championship this season, he’s never gonna win one. Because it’s right there in front of him. It’s his for the taking. And if he doesn’t feel the urgency to grab it right now, I don’t think he ever will. The Bulls are gonna keep getting better. The Thunder are gonna keep getting better. There’s even been rumors that Pat Riley would break up the team if the Heat didn’t win this year. It’s now or never.   

As for a matchup with Memphis, I would still worry about the Grizzlies suffering from an inferiority complex. Like, I think they would question if they really belonged in the NBA Finals playing against LeBron James and the Miami Heat. That’s why I’m hoping the Thunder pull it out. Because you know Durant would just take the ball and drop 40 every night. No doubt in my mind, you put Durant on the world’s biggest stage and he would embrace it. Just shine in the spotlight like Kobe, Shaq or Jordan would have.

But I’m not gonna hedge my pick. I’ll stick with Memphis. In my opinion, it would be one of the most entertaining NBA Finals ever. I mean think about the athleticism on the court. Think about the matchups. LeBron and Gay. Wade and TA. Skilled big men. Dependable point guards. Shaky coaches who are probably in over their heads. Not to mention you would have all of America desperately pulling for Memphis in the ultimate underdog series. Man, I should really stop getting so excited about this, since it definitely won’t end up happening. Anyway, Heat in 6.   

Is walking across America a power move, or just crazy?

It's crazy, right? Has to be. Like, nobody with half a brain does this. Pushing a baby stroller around with all your shit in it? Walking alongside the highway in the Arizona desert? It's certifiable. 

But I guess that's what happens when you graduate from Arts & Crafts Sciences. No life skills. No sense of responsibility. Just no direction at all. You spend your entire college career talking about your feelings, and the next thing you know you're just wandering aimlessly through life. Literally. My friend Ebram here flew to Los Angeles and just decided to walk home. Like, who does that? 

Ok, now in fairness to Ebram, he is a pretty decent guy. Complete nutjob. But still a solid person and arguably one of the Top 5 Egyptians in our graduating class. But listen man, just because we were friends in college doesn't mean you can call me up whenever you want. It's like every three days he's got a million more questions. How are the Celtics doing? What's KONY? Whitney Houston died? Who's Carly Rae Jepsen? You hooking up with anybody? Like, enough already.

You want to walk across the country, be my guest. But it's not my job to fill you in on everything you're missing. It's not my fault you couldn't turn 10:02 into a full-time job. That's on you. Besides, you know I'm not hooking up with anybody, so why do you even bother asking? 

P.S. You can follow Ebram at Heybram.com and on his Facebook page. 

Is Grantland sneaky a hipster website?

Chuck Klosterman

Charlie Pierce

Jay Caspian Kang

Listen, I love Bill Simmons. Probably the most influential sports writer of all-time. But Grantland is starting to become insufferable. I mean look at these bros. These are supposed to be your top three writers? I know you’re trying to be different and everything, but you’re still ESPN dude. How hard could it be to find some regular guys who can write well?

Like, my main issue is that everything turns into some over-indulgent interpretation of society. Kentucky wins the National Championship? Our values are in the toilet. LeBron passes up a game-winning shot? America should stop policing the world. I mean, it's always something with these guys. Even when they do stay on topic, there's still this condescending tone to the whole thing. It's obnoxious.

Sorry I'm getting so worked up about this. It just makes me angry when Grantland gets like 1 million unique visitors every month, and Albermarle All-Stars is still stuck at like 1,000. But hey, I guess that's the world we live in. If you want hipsters to teach you about sports, you go to Grantland. And if you want awesome videos and funny articles, you go to Albermarle All-Stars. Plain and simple.    

P.S. Speaking of hipsters, what’s up with Calvin these days? Foster the People? Real Estate? We’ve come a long way since the days when he only listened to socially conscious hip-hop. Like, what’s your end game here? Trying to differentiate yourself now that everyone says "Mike is the new Calvin?" Basically just pulling a 180 and telling the world "Calvin is the new Mike?" I gotta say, I didn't see that one coming. Well played, Calvin. Well played. 

    

Finally Found a Theme Song

About time Albermarle All-Stars had a theme song. I mean, the NBA on NBC has to be it, right? Just something about it that gets the juices flowing. Makes me wanna form layup lines and start high-stepping all around the court. By far the best theme song ever. Like nothing comes close. But anyway, for my top five, I'd go:

1. NBA on NBC



2. NHL on ESPN



3. March Madness on CBS



4. NFL on NBC



5. World Series on Fox

Lineups announced for All-Star Weekend

Major Announcement

Never Again

First of all, let me set the record straight about why I run the marathon. Because my friend Nick has been killing me lately, calling me out being like, “Obviously you do it for the attention, that’s why everyone does it. Otherwise, why wouldn’t you just go out and run 26.2 miles on a random Wednesday in September?” Listen, I’m not gonna try to deny that. That’s 100% true. I still refuse to buy the jacket and wear it for the next two months, because that’s just a whole other level of self-absorption. But yeah, pretty much the only reason I run marathons is the slight chance that when I run by BC, some girl from my Auditing & Standards class will turn to her friend and be like, “Oh he’s kinda cute. I think he’s in one of my classes.” Like, plain and simple, that’s basically it.

As for this year, I realize that I technically don’t go to BC anymore. But I spend enough time there and still generally consider myself enough of a “face on campus” to justify running in a maroon & gold shirt. Besides, being an alumni is the new being a senior.   

Unfortunately, when you have legs like Maurice Jones-Drew, it’s kinda hard to run 26 miles without cramping up. And for the female readers out there who don’t know who MJD is, he’s a football player with really big fucking legs. Like, imagine taking Brenny’s legs and sticking them on Calvin’s body. That’s essentially what you’re dealing with here. There’s literally no amount of Gatorade, Gu and Jelly Beans in the world that can keep those babies hydrated for 26 miles.

So naturally, on a 90 degree day, my legs start cramping up around Mile 10. That’s not good. You expect there to be some cramping. But you expect that to happen somewhere around Mile 22, and then you just suck it up and fight your way to the finish line. But when you’re forced to start walking around Mile 11, then you’re basically fucked.

For about 10 minutes, I seriously considered quitting. Like, I knew I had no chance to finish in a reasonable time. I had already done this twice and had nothing to prove. I was already in a tremendous amount of pain and knew it would only get worse. I had completely lost the motivation to live-Tweet. And I was fully aware that the next three hours would probably be the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life.

But then I thought to myself, you know who would quit right now? Like, you know who would absolutely give up on this situation? LeBron. Like, there’s no chance LeBron would finish this right now. He would just drop out around Mile 15, blame the rest of the world for his failure, and then get demolished by Skip Bayless on ESPN the next morning. That thought literally came into my head as I was running through Natick. So I was like, “Screw it. So what if I finish only four minutes ahead of Ray Allen’s mom? So what if there’s a chance Libby might beat me, in which case I would never hear the end of it? So what?” And I kept on trucking.

I got a huge emotional lift when I ran by Wellesley College. For those of you that don’t know, there's this tradition of kissing the Wellesley girls as you run by. They stand there with signs begging guys to come over and give them a kiss on the cheek. Basically it’s a way for them to be able to go home and tell all their friends they “hooked up” at college. The past two years I ran, I didn’t kiss anyone. But when you don’t have a girlfriend and live at home with your parents, you need to take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way. So I found the most American looking Asian-American I could and gave her a big wet one. Probably made her life, and I didn’t hate it, either. Actually looking back, I probably should have kissed a second girl. As a general life barometer, anytime you can kiss two girls by April, you know it’s gonna be a good year.

The next five miles sucked as much I thought they would. I walked up Heartbreak Hill, trying to save my energy so I could impress people when I ran by BC and Cleveland Circle. In my mind, I thought I pulled it together relatively well. But it’s never a good sign when a Jesuit sees you run by and immediately posts on your Facebook wall, “Mike, just saw you run by. Hope you make it to the end.”

Turns out I did make it. And I couldn’t have done it without Trubow running alongside me for a solid half-mile. At one point, Zack graciously offered to run up ahead and grab some Gatorade for me. As a normal person, I probably would have just grabbed a cup from the hundreds of people standing on the side of the road passing them out. Not Zack though. Zack decided to run into the grocery store and purchase me an entire bottle. Shockingly, I didn’t see him again. But I still sucked it up and finished. Never again, though. And next January when I start getting the itch, someone please hold me to that.  

Two Boston College Grads Move to Buy New Orleans Hornets

February 4, 2012

The National Basketball Association

645 Fifth Ave.   

New York, NY 10022

Dear David Stern,

We couldn’t help but notice that you still haven’t sold the New Orleans Hornets. That’s why we wanted to make a formal offer of $25,000 to buy the team. We realize this is probably somewhat lower than other offers you have received. But it shows that we aren’t the type of owners who are going to overspend on players. And at the end of the day, that means more money for the league and no more lockouts.

At this point, I bet you’re intrigued by what we’re bringing to the table. But you’re probably asking yourself, “Who are Mike Salvucci and Nick DiMarino?” Great question Dave. Glad you brought it up. We both graduated from Boston College last May and we love talking NBA. Whether it’s sitting around in our dorm room or texting during the work day, there isn’t an NBA topic that we haven’t covered: how to fix the Knicks, the best landing spot for Dwight, whether or not the Thunder need an inside scorer. We’re basically like the Radio Shack of the NBA. You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers.

The way we look at it, this is a win-win for everyone involved. It’s great publicity for the league because it shows you understand the importance of a fresh perspective. It’s great for the Hornets because it brings stability to an organization that has experienced tremendous uncertainty over the last few months. It’s great for you because it lightens your load at the office. And it’s a great opportunity for us to come in and do what we do best, which is run an NBA franchise.

As owners of the Hornets, our competitive strategy would be twofold. First, we would declare our loyalties to New Orleans. This commitment will allow us to re-establish the fan base, as well as attract big-time free agents to this wonderful city. Secondly, we would name ourselves the GM’s of the team and would do things a little differently. No more $72 million contracts for Emeka Okafor. We’re going to run regression analysis to give us a competitive edge as we transform the team. Plus, we’re willing to be the fall guys when difficult decisions need to be made.

Thank you and we look forward to hearing from you,

Mike Salvucci 

salvucci.michael@gmail.com                                                                                  

Nick DiMarino

dimarinn@gmail.com                                                              

Seriously Mitch?

Really bro? That’s how you decide to make your debut in the comments section? Calling my soccer post the worst blog ever? I mean if you’re gonna shit on my writing, at least shit on my Europe blogs. Those were awful. But don’t just start complaining at the first blog that isn’t solely focused on you. Like, what do you want me to even say at this point? Hey everybody, meet my friend Mitch! He loves to fist pump to “Levels” and his long, blonde hair actually does correspond to how much of an asshole he is.

But I guess I kinda understand it, though. If you were a good enough athlete, maybe you could have played Varsity sports in high school, too. And then maybe you would relate to all this. Because the last time I checked, when you find an old DVD of your high school soccer team, you post it on the internet so your teammates can enjoy it. But maybe that’s just me.

P.S. Fuck you Tom. Nobody cares about college football. They can’t throw.

Well This Pretty Much Puts an End to That Debate

I can't believe we spent the last few days arguing about whether or not the 2004 Newton North soccer team could beat the U.S. Women's National team. Because, honestly, we'd probably be up like 8-0 at halftime. I mean did you hear the way our coaches were talking about us? Basically calling us the greatest high school soccer team in the history of the world. Sure, we lost in the first round of the tournament. But that was because half the team had a drinking problem. Not because we weren't good enough.

The Wonder of It All...

So last night, a few of the more fun All-Stars went to Foxwoods to see what all the fuss what about. Here’s how it went down for these high-rollers.

5:30 PM: Got to the hotel. Successfully booked one room for all six of us, despite Tom deciding to pop open a can of Bud Light right in front of the reception desk. Like that's not suspicious at all.

6:00 PM: Started playing drinking games and eating environmentally-friendly sandwiches that Jesse made for us.

7:00 PM: Spent about 20 minutes discussing what clothes we should wear once we hit the casino floor. Obviously I looked hawt.

7:45 PM: I sat down at the Blackjack table with Mitch. Bought $100 worth of chips. Had no idea what I was doing and was constantly ridiculed by the hick sitting next to me.

7:56 PM: Lost all my money.

8:00 PM: Jamie just killing it at the Cash Wheel. Jesse winning $3.41 at the penny slots. And Mitch, already $100 in the hole, says “Fuck it, I’ll just do another Craigslist deal tomorrow,” and heads back to the Blackjack table.

9:00 PM: Return to the room to drink more. Team Mike-Tom-Zack obviously win the best-of-three series of Baseball, with Zack temporarily deciding he’s not a Glu-tard anymore.

11:30 PM: Went to Shrine, an Asian-themed nightclub that looked like Legends of the Hidden Temple. Basically just reinforced the fact that I have no idea how to talk to girls. Didn't even try to approach a single one. Not that there were many attractive girls there to begin with. But still, there comes a time in a man’s life when he needs to be able to hit on girls who aren’t dating his best friends.

1:30 AM: Sat down at Fuddruckers for over an hour and inhaled multiple cheeseburgers, hot dogs, potato wedges, chicken fingers, etc… Realized that the girl in the red dress who we thought was hot was maybe the most disgusting girl in Connecticut… And almost gave Jesse a heart-attack when I told him I’m voting Republican this year cause I think the whole Democrat thing is played out.

3:00 AM: Mitch and Zack enjoy pillow talk while the rest of us head back to the casino. Tom becomes the first male in history to take off his shoes and carry them around because they were hurting his feet.

4:00 AM: Everyone trying to sleep, but Zack and Tom literally in a screaming match about who holds the key to the girl at Lee's Burgers' heart. Maybe the stupidest argument I’ve ever heard in my life. Like, you order food and she brings it to you. It doesn’t mean she’s in love with you, it means she works there.

Villages of Newton: Power Rankings

#1 Newtonville

Whatever you do, never start talking about youth sports with someone who went to Cabot. It’s literally the most miserable conversation you will ever have in your life. “Dude, Cabot had the best athletes, man. We had sick athletes. Like, if there was an Olympics with all the elementary schools in Newton, Cabot would easily win. We were sick.” Like, nobody cares. We don’t need to listen to stories about that time when the football bounced off the Humpty Dumpty and Kirsch caught it in the end zone. We’re over it. Believe me.


#2 Newton Centre

Basically the Disney World for overprotective mothers. I mean, this place has it all. Pick the little ones up at Hebrew School. Drive them over to their orthodontist appointment. Pop in to CVS real quick because your son forgot to bring a pencil to Kaplan SAT Prep. And since your daughter has an hour in between Russian math school and Driver’s Ed, why don’t you grab a bite to eat with her at Johnny’s. Partly because you want to ask her about her sex life, but mostly because Johnny’s is an awesome place for Newton mom’s to be seen. It just screams “I’m still young and hip enough to enjoy a burger, but you better overcharge me for it because people need to know that I’m well-off.”


#3 Newton Highlands

Yeah, I know most people on the Newton North freshman baseball team probably loved going to Lincoln Field every day after school. They probably all have great memories of Newton Highlands and the fun times we used to have there. Not me bro. Not when I was fucking humiliated in front of the whole team every single day at practice. Like, seriously Coach Kane. How many tennis balls do I have to throw against this wall before you realize I have no arm? I’m literally never going to throw out a runner at second base. It’s just not gonna happen. If you don’t want the other team stealing 14 bases a game, then don’t put me behind the plate. Otherwise, just pencil me in for the leadoff spot, let me hit my .350, and go teach Danny how to catch a fly ball in the 9th inning of a one-run game.


#4 Nonantum aka “The Lake”

See, this is what makes Newton so great. We identify problems and implement solutions. Since our town is like 50% Jewish, there’s obviously gonna be high demand for landscaping services. Because let’s be real, those lawns aren’t gonna cut themselves. But instead of allowing those jobs to be outsourced to Waltham and losing out on precious tax dollars, we reserve a little part of town for the Italians. Next thing you know, they’re immigrating here left and right and setting up landscaping companies. Everybody wins! The Italians get jobs. The grass gets cut. And the city finally gets some extra cash to start recruiting basketball players from Roxbury to win us state championships. It’s really pretty genius when you think about it.


#5 Auburndale

All those Auburndale hippies just counting down the days until the Cove finally freezes over. I mean, nothing says I’m white and have plenty of time on my hands like ice skating on the Charles River. Just be careful when the Albermarle All-Stars start showing up and playing hockey. Half of us can’t even skate and Izzy thinks he’s Zdeno Chara with that slap shot.


#6 Newton Corner

It doesn’t take a Boston College law student, I mean rocket scientist, to figure out I’ve been living the Newton Corner dream recently. Anytime you can take a cab back from Tavern for under $10, you know you’re sitting pretty. But it hasn’t always been this way. Back in high school, living in Newton Corner was the fucking worst. Since it isn’t even remotely close to anything, nobody ever wanted to come here. Trying to get a ride home from someone was almost next to impossible. Like trying to get the girls to help clean up after New Year’s or something. It just wasn’t gonna happen. I mean, Mitch basically summed it up when he said, “If it wasn’t for the Mass Pike, there’s no way I’d still be dating Sarah right now.”


#7 Chestnut Hill

Hey Libs. It’s Mike. I need a favor. I need you to explain to everybody what on Earth you were thinking with that whole New Year’s thing? Like, not trying to bite the hand that feeds me or anything, but that was the wrong move sister. Everyone knows we don’t finalize our plans until Calvin gets home and makes a last-ditch effort to change Izzy’s mind. That’s why I’ve been working so hard on my abs for the past few weeks, just hoping I’d get a chance to show them off to everybody in the hot tub. But now that dream’s over, thanks to your little power trip. Like “Oh my God, I lived in Chestnut Hill for 4 years. I’m an independent woman. Let’s have New Year’s here instead.” Typical BC girls. Never understand their place.

#8 West Newton

How cool are the people from West Newton? I mean, talk about trend setters. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was in Coolidge Corner. With a Sweet Tomatoes, and Trader Joes, and a movie theatre that only plays Sundance films I’ve never heard of. Honestly, where would this city be without you guys blazing a trail for everyone? Anyway, I know you’re all probably busy trying to revive the Occupy Movement, but if you get the chance, could you go on Spotify and blow up my Newsfeed with all the music that I’m supposed to be listening to? Thanks!


#9 Waban

If there’s one village looking to secede from Newton, clearly it’s Waban. They absolutely want nothing to do with us. They don’t send their kids to our schools. They definitely don’t send their kids to our camps. And they always use “Waban” as their hometown when they’re mailing a letter or listing their address. Personally, though, I don’t even care if they leave. We’re better off without them. Plus, there’s no doubt in my mind that Quibby is moving to Waban once Dave finally gets that corner office. So at least Dave can “technically” say he didn’t live in the same town his entire life.


#10 Newton Upper Falls

Hmmm, let’s see here. I hate animals, so obviously I would never be caught dead inside a Petco. That’s kind of a no-brainer. Plus, I haven’t been to a Newbury Comics since the 5th grade when my mom caught me drooling over a cardboard cut-out of Pamela Anderson. And those emotional scars don’t appear to be fading away anytime soon. So yeah, those are pretty much the only two reasons why anyone would ever go to Newton Upper Falls, right? Glad we sorted that out.


#11 Oak Hill

Everyone knows Oak Hill Middle School is the Slytherin of Newton, so it’s no surprise that the whole village is also a bunch of purebloods. Naturally, they don’t like contaminating the family blood lines, so they typically discourage outsiders from moving into the neighborhood. But if you really have your heart set on it, just make sure you work for a reputable company, drive a nice enough car, and most importantly, have an acceptable last name. Cause at the end of the day, you can have all the money in the world, but if you have a blue-collar last name like Salvucci, there’s no chance the realtor even looks at your application. In all seriousness though, the only person I actually know from Oak Hill is Mel, and she’s literally named after the fucking village! Like, if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, then I don’t know what will.


#12 Thompsonville

Literally never heard of it until now. Is this like the hood? Is this why we keep dropping in the rankings of America’s Safest Cities? I honestly don’t have the slightest clue because I just learned this place existed like 15 minutes ago. Fuck it, there’s only one way to truly find out. I’m going to buy an Xbox from Mitch on Craigslist and I’m telling him to meet me in Thompsonville. If he shows up with Brenny, then we know this place is dangerous. If he shows up with Quinn… well, then we know we got nothing to worry about.


#13 Newton Lower Falls

I’ve been staring at the computer for about an hour now, trying desperately to come up with something to say about Newton Lower Falls. And honestly, I’ve got nothing. I’m sure it’s a lovely place and everything, but I can’t even remember a time when I actually went there. So I’m shamelessly going to use this space as an opportunity to ask for help. Albermarle All-Stars could really use another writer. I’ve recently been getting tons of texts and Facebook messages from people being like, “Mike, I randomly stumbled across your blog, and I think it’s really funny and you’re hot. You should definitely try to post more.” I mean, how can you argue with that? All true statements there. Anyway, if you think you might be interested in posting something like once a week, please let me know. I could really use the help. Oh, and just to give you an idea of where my head’s at, my first choice is Hyatt but in a pinch I’d settle for Calvin.