NBA is Back!

Obviously LeBron's really excited to not win another championship. Here are the Top 5 reasons why I'm excited:


1. I don’t have to show my face in public with Quinn anymore.

Without an NBA season, I needed another way to get my basketball fix. That meant attending BC basketball games with Quinn. Initially, I thought this was a pretty simple solution. That is, until I realized that Dave thinks it’s completely reasonable to wear a pea coat, sweatpants and slippers to a basketball game. Like I don't already have enough on my plate trying to avoid former lovers whenever I come to campus. The last thing I need is someone committing social suicide in the seat right next to me.

The worst part, though, is that Quinn’s completely oblivious to it all. When I asked him about it, I believe his exact words were, "It's a good look." Listen man, don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining. You look like a clown. Libby, if I were you, I would get out now. I know you’re probably waiting to see how this whole “lawyer” thing works out, but let me save you the trouble. Dave doesn’t have what it takes to be a good lawyer. It’s not in his DNA. Successful lawyers are always arrogant hard-bodies, not the soft-spoken type that you can push around like a shopping cart. Seriously Dave, it’s a good thing you didn’t pay a dime for undergrad, because this is $150,000 you’ll never see again.


2. I get to be considered an expert on something, even though I secretly don’t understand how basketball works.

It’s true. I really don’t know what I’m talking about. I only played organized basketball for two years. Like, that’s pretty much the same amount of time that Teodora’s been driving a car, and I don’t think anybody is ready to call her an expert on that.

It’s actually pretty crazy when you think about it. The amount of unwarranted credit that I get for being a “basketball guy.” Like yeah, I understand the superficial things. I know that Phil Jackson loves the Triangle, and Al Skinner loves the Flex. But I literally have no idea what that really means, and I definitely couldn’t distinguish between the two. But like I said, I only played basketball for two years. And even though I had the legendary Peter Roby as my coach, there’s only so much you can learn when the team’s most effective offensive strategy is isolating Igor on the wing.

3. Brenny probably doesn’t read CelticsHub, so at least some of my writing can elude criticism.

At the Boston College School of Law, Brenny learns about torts, contracts, and how to be an asshole. And boy is he good at it. I mean, the kid placed in the top third of his class for the rough draft of a memo he wrote. That kind of legal talent doesn’t just grow on trees, people. And since 3 months of law school obviously makes you an expert on everything in life, Brenny has also decided he’s going to criticize each and every one of my blog posts. “Listen, Sal. I’m not gonna sugar coat it. Blogs just aren’t doing it for me.” Listen, Bren. I’m sorry you’re like the Rob Gronkowski of interpreting blogs and only laugh when I write things like “Tom no like Albies.” Pardon me for trying to work some underlying themes and motifs into a comprehensive piece. Why don’t you go try a few Kaboomspikes in the backyard and you can laugh when it comes back and hits you in the face.


4. Hyatt and Tom can go back to arguing about sports instead of trying to solve America’s problems.

I mean, at least when you guys yap about Stephen Curry’s ability to play point guard, you have the slightest clue what you’re talking about. Unlike when we’re at Union St. and we have to listen to you guys talk about corporate greed and the distribution of wealth in this country. Because that shit’s embarrassing.

Honestly, Sam, I’m surprised you didn’t get a job offer when you went down to Occupy Wall Street. Because you’re great at talking out of your ass, and everyone knows that’s the only prerequisite to succeeding in Finance. But to each his own, right? If you want spend your days working for social and economic reform, be my guest. But don’t shove it in our faces every chance you get. Some people are revolutionaries. And some people just like showing up to their cubicle every day so they can have enough money to spend at Tavern on the weekends. That’s just the way the world is.


5. I can go back to being a man again.

I’m not gonna lie, I kinda went soft during the NBA lockout. I know I have a reputation as being the ultimate man’s man. You know, the kind of guy that Brooke wishes she could date. But without the NBA to keep me entertained, I found myself doing a lot of borderline feminine things. Think about it. I went apple picking even though I don’t have a girlfriend. I watched Pan Am for 3 weeks just so I could tweet nonsense at Mel about it. And every Facebook status that I’ve posted since September, I wrote with the intention of getting Libby to “like” it. But now that the NBA is returning, hopefully I can get back to doing regular guy things. You know, like going to the bar with all my boys, watching some hoops, and hoping that Ben Dyer picks up the tab before it ever gets back to us.