Just crushing Ruffles in the Mediterranean Sea. Nothing to see here.
Editor’s note: This is the first guest blog in the history of Albermarle All-Stars. Not gonna lie, I’m kinda nervous about it. I mean, if Mike and Dave are funnier than me, it's gonna be a tough blow to my self-esteem. Basically won't have anything else going for me in life.
But I know they put a lot of thought into this, even if it was at my expense. So I’m going to allow it. Plus, we all know Brenny is itching for someone to breathe some new life into the site.
By Dave Robb and Michael Kirschner
When we were planning this trip Mike seemed like a pretty good guy to travel with. But boy were we wrong. It would be impossible run through every detail but here’s a breakdown of a day in Europe with Mike.
If you’re sleeping in a hostel with Sal you’re not actually sleeping at all. If you close your eyes its hard to tell whether that’s a table saw in the top bunk or Mike’s just dozing off. We’re not making any friends in a 8 person mixed suite with this kid. You know its bad when the 35 year old dude from Kenya is throwing shoes over at him at 5 am. Only when you’re just falling asleep around 9am does Mike dismount from the top bunk and tumble onto the floor, effectively waking up everyone in the hostel. He stumbles out of the room in his boxers and button down. More often than not Mike neglects to drink water or take his button down shirt off before bed. Which takes us to our next point.
When Mike’s hung over he does his best to ensure that we are completely aware of how miserable he is. During the morning hours were walking around some European city with this train wreck lagging behind and complaining about how ugly Prague is or how unimpressed he is by the Coliseum. This doesn’t end until he takes his first of two daily showers. Eating also brings him out of his PMS which doesn’t happen for him until the three sequential dinners from 4-7. We all know Mike prides himself as a great tipper back in the states. The American “Salvucci 25%” converts here to leaving 25 cents in Danish Kroner equivalent to around a nickel and a penny.
Mike’s a terrible tourist. He cant read a map and he couldn’t work a camera if his life depended on it. He’s been asked to take two pictures the entire trip. He’s 0-2 dropping the cameras both times. If you give Mike a map don’t expect anything more than him to treat it like a maze and start drawing all over it. Literally every single time we walk out of the hostel he starts walking the wrong way. After walking around for the day don’t expect to hear anything out of mike if its not about how sore his knees and back are. The Salvucci family: “great hair, bad backs”
In preparation for going out Mike sometimes gets in a quick back rehab session. This consists of him standing upright, hands on his waist thrusting his hips forward and making a sound similar to that of someone coming prematurely. If we had any friends in the hostel before this they now have requested a room change.
Mikes dry-skin issues become apparent when getting ready to go out. After his second shower he applies between four and five layers of moisturizer. This kid goes through more moisturizer than a teenage boy who just hit puberty. Speaking of stuff he puts on his face don’t get us started with the chapstick. Before leaving every night Mike recites out loud “phone, wallet, keys, chapstick minus phone”. Really bro. Chapstick?? This problem became apparent in Prague when we spotted him essentially surfacing for air during a dance floor make-out session only to apply another coat.
“Alright two issues here. One why are my eyes red. And two, why do I have an asian glow?” Mike screamed from the bathroom as we were ready to head out for the night. When Mike starts talking like this he has usually had a few drinks and is ready to hit the town hard. In the clubs Mike is like an uncaged animal, his only fuel is some obnoxious fruity fishbowl drink. Upon taking one of his fishbowls to the face its on to his go-to dance which shares a strong resemblance to the 85’ Bears Superbowl Shuffle. Chicks dig it...like 28% of the time.
Long story short, leave this kid out of the mix the next time you’re thinking of going anywhere further than the cape.
