I tell my campers this all the time, “A man is about as big as the things that make him angry.” Or for those non-English majors out there, “Shut the fuck up Quinn.” I know the Albies are the biggest thing to hit Newton in years, but relax. You think I feel good about giving the MVP A-Gourd to Mitch? I’ve created a monster and we’re all going to have to deal with it for years now. That thing was in his pants within 5 minutes of me giving it to him. I’m not happy about it, but let’s call a spade a spade here. He was more consistent over the course of the entire summer. I gave you Looks Best Doin’ It and My Favorite Player to Play With. I thought that would have been enough, but I guess not.
So now that I have gotten that off my chest, HOW ABOUT THOSE ALBIES?!?! We have done some fun things in our time, but an award show all about us? It was a fitting way to put an exclamation point on this summer. I loved the reactions of all the Chikami kids that briefly came in to watch the ceremony. This was one of the single most creative things we have ever done, and they were all like “Wow, you’re having an awards show with your friends. Big fucking deal. We had like 4 of these last week. Somebody call me when they’re naked and Jesse’s pissing on everyone.”
I personally have to thank Mitch for stealing the show. I was devastatingly unprepared and without his drunken self providing the comic relief the whole thing would have been a complete train wreck. The funny thing is that Centre Acres was basically on their knees begging me to emcee the Talent Show earlier that day. But I guess that speaks more of how brutal they knew Tom would be.
(shout out to Dave Robb for hosting)
The Albie Awards:
MVP A-Gourd: Mitch
Best 3-Point Shooter: Petrie
Best Mid-range shot: Jamie
Most Improved: Dave Robb
Most Underrated: Jesse
Hannah Storm Award for Nastiest Hand(les): Zack
Best Rebounder: Joey
6th Man Award: Tom
Looks Best Doin’ It: Quinn
Best Passer: Sal
Hardest Banger: Kirschner
Best Defender: Mitch and Quinn (tie)
Nate Robinson Instant Offense: Charlie
Pontiac Game Changer: Hyatt
Single Hardest Move to Guard: Joey’s pull-up jumper from free throw line
Little Mitchie Award for Doing the Most with the Least: Calvin
Jared Dudley Best Hands: Brian Robb
The Why Won’t Izzy Just Let Us Go To Barre Award for Least Reliable to Be a Good Friend and Show Up: Brenny
DJ Jazzy Jeff Award for Playing the Best 90’s Music: Perry
My Favorite Player to Play With: Quinn
Randy Moss “I’ll Play When I Want to Play” Award: Charlie
911 Emergency Response: Kirschner
Kyra Sedgwick Closer: Petrie
Tony Allen Award for Most Likely to Blow By His Defender and Miss the Layup or Commit an Offensive Foul: Sal
Single Best Performance of the Summer: Quinn goes 8-8 against Mitch
Pointy Elbows: Dave Robb
Omri Casspi Award for Best Jew: Hyatt
Best Body Part: Calvin's calves (still can't get over the fact that he has "calv" in his name)
Big Papi Smile: Jesse
Best Trash Talker: Zack
Honorary Member: Izzy
Some of Mitch’s Awards Explained:
* Indicates Winner
Best Shoe Game
Nominees:
1. Mitch’s Hyperdunks
2. Sam’s Official Tulane Air
3. Joey’s Air Jordan’s
4. *Tom’s Sandals
Best Poker Face: Sal. The sneaky bastard could throw the ball into the brook and turn around with his hands raised in the air and his “it wasn’t off me” face and you would have a hard time arguing with it.
Best Defensive Strategy:
Nominees:
1. Mitch sitting his lazy ass in the paint and taking advantage of the fact that nobody can shoot.
2. Charlie’s deceiving effort to try on defense for the first 3 possessions, and then take the rest of the game off.
3. * Tom’s innovative strategy to cover neither the picker nor the ball handler when the situation presents itself.
4. Jesse electing for forgo showering and to let his bodily functions flow freely. This prevents opponents from getting too close.
Biggest Ball Hog:
Nominees:
1. Sal - “The Point Guard Ball Hog”: If the play doesn’t begin with the ball in this shifty point guard’s hands he simply looks like he’s going to cry.
2. *Mitch - “The All-Around Professional Ball Hog”: Once the ball is in his hands there is no chance of anyone else touching it.
3. Jamie - “The Sneaky Ball Hog”: Nobody might realize this, but once he gets the ball, he’s either it shooting it or getting it blocked. Sorry for partying.
4. Trubow - “The Standstill Ball Hog”: I hate to break it to you but those hot handles don’t do you much good when you make zero progress towards the hoop.
5. Jesse - “The In Denial Ball Hog”: This UVM baller who aspires to be Rajon Rondo is completely oblivious to the fact that he simply does not pass the ball. The floater is there. The passing is not.
Stopwatch Award for Issues With Time:
Nominees:
1. Jesse: The time it takes Jesse to walk across the street from his house to the court.
2. *Jamie: The time it takes for him to get his shot off.
3. Charlie: The time it takes him to stop playing defense once the game starts.
Biggest Tool:
1. *Mitch: For playing without a shirt in every game
2. Calvin: For his full SAE get-ups and high socks.
