ESPN Signs Mike to a Lucrative Contract

Yes, yes. The rumors that have been swirling around college campuses all day are true. ESPN knew it couldn't afford to lose me to Sports Illustrated, NBA.com, or even worse, have me start my own sports empire. So today they formally extended an offer to me.

At first, I thought about all my fans. The Teos and the Mitches and the Susans of the world. I thought about how I wouldn't be able to make fun of the Nickster, or create the greatest video of all time, or continue to court my little Brookie. So many memories have been created here at Albermarle All-Stars. I didn't want to become a sell out. I didn't get into blogging for the money and I certainly didn't want to jeopardize my artistic integrity by teaming up with the most powerful force in sports. I looked at myself in the mirror, and all I saw was the next T-Pain of the blogosphere.

But that lasted all of .2 seconds before I said, "Sure thing, where do I sign?" Because let's be honest, I'm all about me. You guys have been great, you really have. My self-esteem (cockiness) was pretty high before and this experience has blown the roof off of it. But it's like I always say, "When ESPN comes knocking on your door, you not only answer it, but you give then the damn keys."

So now, be sure to check me out at CelticsHub.com, your home for everything Celtics. The site links directly to ESPN.com and you can find the latest posts on the Celtic's ESPN page. And definitely be sure to read all of B Robb's great work, as well. He's the man behind all this.

P.S. Albermarle All-Stars isn't actually going anywhere. TTYL

NBA Preview - Top Shooting Guards

1. Kobe Bryant – Two words for ya brotha: Black Mamba.

2. Dwayne Wade – On the last day of camp this year, I was going through the lost and found to see if the kids left anything good behind. And what do you know? A Marquette Dwayne Wade jersey just chilling in the bottom of the box. Don’t mind if I do. I’m proud to say it’s become my official Shirt Before the Shirt. (Seriously, what did you want me to write? “I hear Dwayne has some new friends in town?” There, I said it.).

3. Brandon Roy – Arguably the most underrated player in the league. One day the Blazers will finally put all the pieces together and people will get to see how good B-Roy really is.

4. Joe Johnson – I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but other than Kobe, I fear Joe Johnson late in the 4th quarter more than any other player. Every time the Celtics play the Hawks, JJ goes off for like 12 points in the last 5 minutes.

5. OJ Mayo – Quietly put up 17.5 ppg last year and shot 38% from 3-point range. And that’s with Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay getting more than their fair share of the rock. Mayo’s also one of the most naturally gifted offensive players in the league. Passing, shooting, scoring all just come so easily to him.

6. Eric Gordon – I know Gordon made Team USA this year and Mayo did not. I also know that Gordon plays better defense than Mayo. But I feel like I know 99% of the player that Eric Gordon will become. I know what his ceiling is. He can be your No. 3 guy on a championship team. Never a No. 2.

7. Kevin Martin – Honestly I’ve never understood what all the fuss is about with this guy. All he can do is score the basketball. But he’s 27 and in the prime of his career so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he can put up 20 a game once again.

8. Ray Allen – So he shot 3-14 from the field in Game 7 and kinda/sorta/maybe cost us the title. He still was one of the Celtics’ most consistent performers all season long. One thing that has surprised me over the years is how well conditioned Ray is. Of the Big Three, Ray will undoubtedly last the longest before he starts breaking down.

9. Vince Carter - Remember in the Dunk Contest a few years ago when Vince put a cupcake on top of the rim and then blew out the candle? Oh wait. That was Gerald Green. Never mind, Vince HASN”T done anything significant in the past 6 years.

10. Manu Ginobili – It’s really too bad he hasn’t been able to stay healthy, because a few years ago he was No. 3 on this list. But now when I think about Manu I just picture his gross fingernail and him swatting that bat.

HONORABLE MENTION
Gilbert Arenas
(Kinda funny how Arenas is being moved over to SHOOTING guard this year. I’m not sure if this is a done deal yet, but I'm going to pull the trigger and say that it is).

30 Blogs in 30 Nights: NBA Season Preview

The irony of this video is that I would rather gouge my eyes out then spend a night with Zooey Deschanel because that woman is the devil. But you can probably interpret my excitement because the NBA is exactly one month away.

My original plan was to write a preview on each team based on my power rankings, counting down from 30-1. But with Carmelo about to be traded, I felt it would be in the best interest of the fans to hold off on that until everything is settled. So today we’ll start with a topic so hot it makes violence in the Mods seem kinda dull. We’re talking about the Top Point Guards in the NBA debate.

THE ELITE

1. Chris Paul
2. Deron Williams

Considering Deron is my favorite non-Celtic and he’s currently holding the title as my “man-crush,” I would love nothing more than to put D-Will above CP3. Last year, when Paul was hurt and missed most of the season, Williams dominated and people legitimately started having the “Who’s Better?” discussion. But let’s not call Mark Sanchez a good quarterback here and say that CP3 isn’t the best point guard in basketball. He does everything that Williams does, plus he’s a better passer and better defensive player. When it’s all said and done, he’ll be right up there with Magic as the G.O.A.T.

THE SECOND TIER

T-3. Rajon Rondo
T-3. Derrick Rose

I know, I know. Make a decision. But in reality, they really are tied. Despite their uniquely different physical frames, they’re basically the same player. Can get to the rack at will, incredible vision and passing abilities, poor shooters, etc. Two key differences: Rondo is probably the best defensive guard in basketball and Rose sucks. But Rondo can’t shoot free throws and therefore is useless at the end of games, whereas Rose truly wants the ball in his hands and his teammates do, too. Either way, they’re both winners and will push CP3 and D-Will for that elite class of NBA point guards.

5. Steve Nash - When you get out of the shower, what’s the first thing you always do? You wrap your towel around you, go sit at your computer, and start watching Youtube videos. But then after a half-hour you realize your hair is dry and it looks like a bird made some sort of nest up there. Then you end up having to re-wet it again just so you can get it to do what you need it to do. I bet Nash has this problem a lot worse than most of us.

THE SAVVY VETS

6. Chauncey Billups
7. Baron Davis

Yes they’re old and Denver is going to fall off a cliff when they trade Carmelo. The Clips still suck and I don’t really see how Chauncey and B. Diddy will be motivated at all this year. But if you had one game to win, there isn’t a player lower on this list that you would want instead of Mr. Big Shot or Davis.

THE YOUNG GUNS

8. Tyreke Evans
9. John Wall
10. Stephen Curry

Wipe that Newb-sauce off your face boys. It’s showtime! Call me crazy but anyone that saw Wall play last year knows he’s the real deal. He’ll probably be the 5th best point guard in the league by the end of the year. But for now we’ll stick him behind Tyreke and in front of Curry. Evans surprised me a little bit last year. He doesn’t really have any basketball skills besides being a freak athlete. Kinda a poor man’s Derrick Rose. But he certainly has the “it” factor. Kinda like Rondo. I guess if you keep getting compared to those guys, you must be doing something right. As for Curry, not the traditional PG, but he’s the next Ray Allen of the NBA and I think that warrants Top-10 status.

HONORABLE MENTION

Tony Parker
Russell Westbrook
Monta Ellis
Jason Kidd
Devin Harris

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

All aboard the Aaron Hernandez express! He's blossoming into the best TE in football and there's no way we're not winning the Super Bowl this year. The Patriots are back, baby! I don't care how many points our defense gives up, because when our offense is on, it doesn't matter. That's how unstoppable we are. Seriously, how do you plan on stopping us? Even Ben-Jarvis and Woodhead were running loose, and I don't think the Patriots even run the ball. Look out AFC.

Flag Football Season Opener: 33-0 Win

Dude this sucks. Yeah we won our first game 33-0 and we're probably well on our way to the SHIP. Whatever. I just realized that opposing quarterbacks aren't even gonna think of throwing my direction this year. That means no interceptions. No pick-6's. Just no stats at all. It's like I don't even exist.

I got like two passes thrown my way the whole game and I swatted them both down like whoa. I mean, honestly I don't blame anyone. I wouldn't throw my way either. I'm a black hole where offense goes to die. But I made the mistake of telling the entire world about Salvucci Island and the secret is Kenny Powers. (fucking out).

Anyway, Salvucci Island went under. Now it's all about Miggy Asomugha. The unanimous best cover corner in the league that gets no stats because he's too good. Whoop-de-doo.

Selig considering playoff expansion

Mariners | Selig considering playoff expansion | Seattle Times Newspaper

Well what a surprise! I write on Thursday how baseball needs to expand it's playoffs. I tell everybody that Bud Selig is a big fan of the Blog and that he'll definitely read this. And what do you know, not a day later he's already out talking to the press about adding more teams to the postseason. Honestly, Bud, at least give me a shout-out or something.

Where Amazing Happens

Joey Chestnut Is At Eagle's Deli Right Now Trying To Eat The Challenge Burger!

More updates to come, obviously.

***Update: He destroyed it.

Who Did What?

Jose Bautista hit his 50th home run last night? Who knew? I mean, does anybody really watch baseball anymore? To be completely honest, if you asked me who the MLB HR leader was I probably would have said Albert Pujols with like 38.

Over the summer, Bill Simmons wrote a column about how baseball games are too long. He thinks people simply don't have the attention span to watch such a slow game for 3.5 hours. This created a 3-day discussion on all the ESPN shows about how to fix baseball. Shorten the commercial breaks. Enforce a time limit between pitches. Invest more money into marketing the league's best players. Implement a salary cap to increase competitive balance.

These are all decent ideas. But at the same time, isn't the answer really obvious? Just expand the playoffs to 8 teams per league. And I don't say that just because the Red Sox are out this year. Think about it. Right now there are 9 teams in all of baseball that have any significant games left to play this season. The 4 American League playoff teams are set, and there are 5 in the N.L going for 4 spots. If 16 teams in total made the playoffs, then you probably would have about 22 teams still fighting for their lives right now. Wouldn't that make baseball so much more relevant?

How does Bud Selig not see this? Why do the NBA/NHL playoffs have so much fan interest throughout the country? Because most fan bases have a team involved and therefore get really excited about the playoffs. And even if their team gets bounced, they're already into it and so they continue to watch. I probably won't watch one playoff baseball game this year.

My proposal isn't that hard to implement. Logistically, the first series would be a 5-game series, and then you would have to reduce the number of days off throughout the postseason so that we're not still playing ball into December. But other than that, it's basically the perfect solution.

Unfortunately I'm just sitting on my bed right now and not being the commissioner of baseball. But I know Bud Selig is a fan of the Blog, so he'll definitely get this.

Should Miles Austin Be Worried About His Career?

Every now and then, a professor or somebody will pose the question to me, “If you could have dinner with one person in the world, who would it be?” My list over the years has included Michael Jordan, Keira Knightley, Pedro Martinez, Hermione Granger, Steven Gerrard and Randy Moss. But now I’m officially changing it to Kim Kardashian. I think she’s fascinating. I think she’s so misunderstood and I want to know why. I want to pick her brain, because even though she continues to reign as one of the most beautiful women in the world, I know there’s something deep-down that’s really bothering her. Seriously, the woman needs a therapy session like Nicole Richie needs two pounds.

So was I expecting her to break it off with Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin like she did the other day? Let’s just put it this way, does Charlie Daniels play a mean fiddle? I mean, c’mon Kim, you’re really gonna say the reason for the split is because of your “busy schedules?” I’ve been watching your every move on “Keeping up with” and “Miami” for the past 3 years. You have plenty of down time. You could have made it work.

But let’s get to what’s really important here: The Kim Kardashian Ex-Boyfriend Curse. Forget the SI Cover Curse or the Madden Curse. Take a look at her recent boyfriends:

Cristiano Ronaldo: Had a below-average World Cup when everyone was expecting huge things from him.

Reggie Bush: Recently became the first person to ever give back the Heisman trophy.

Ray J: Did you SEE “For the Love of Ray J?” I couldn’t even watch past the first season.

Nick Lachey: Never able to recover from his split with Jessica and now is at C-list celebrity status.

Nick Cannon: Not gonna lie, I love Nick Cannon. When he starts drumming on Morris Brown’s first line drums and then A&T throws their sticks right in their faces. So badass. You don’t do that and get away with it in the marching band world, and that’s exactly what he did. That’s whassup. Not to mention he’s such a believable soccer player in “Goal II.”

Ball don’t lie, Miles. Ball. Don’t. Lie.

Get to Eagles Nest Stat!

Eagles Nest Piano Guy is absolutely killing it right now. His version of Mariah Carey's "Always Be My Baby" made me slightly more emotional than I was planning when I came to get my Tuscon Chicken. Girls are just melting for him as we speak. Honestly I need to learn how to play an instrument ASAP. Talk about adding 2 points to your scale just like that.

Listen Up, Girls

Today’s a Wednesday, which means at least three girls will come up to me and say, “Mike, what can I do to become more attractive in your eyes? How can I get to your level?” Loaded question, I know. Like how do I even begin to answer this? Girls want to know how to relate with someone that transcends coolness. I’m no English major (thank God), but I think that’s literally impossible. Listen, it’s not my fault that wherever I go people are always asking me where I got my jeans, what I think of the latest Kanye song, or how many pick-6’s I plan on getting in our first game Sunday night. I just am who I am. But as fans of the Alb, I figure these girls deserve some sort of answer. So here it is:

Remember when we were applying to colleges and girls would be like, “What the hell is Marquette?” and we’d be like, “Are you kidding? Dwayne Wade. Marquette basketball. It’s in Wisconsin, they have a really good team.” And they would just stare at us all confused as they were secretly trying to remember if Wisconsin was the one shaped like a glove. Then they would say something to the extent of, “I don’t understand how you boys know all these players in all these sports. Like, how do you remember them all?”

Ahh, the age-old question. How do us boys remember all the players, all the stats, all the years that shit happened, etc.? Football, baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer. Professional and college. How do we do it? Ultimately it really boils down to one thing: it’s the only thing we really really care about. Yeah, there is a bunch of other stuff in the world that makes us think, makes us cry, blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, sports are the only thing that we could consume ourselves with 24/7 and still be legitimately happy.

So in my round-about way of answering these girls’ question, you need to choose one team/sport and become a true expert on it. Just pick something. Anything. Pick a team. Pick a league. And follow it. Most girls who have already figured this out have chosen basketball. Only five players on the court at once. Their names always show up when they’re shooting free throws. It’s really pretty easy to learn. Plus the games are entertaining and all guys love the NBA. If you go out to a bar with your guy friends and are able to say things like, “I hate Joakim Noah so much, but he’s probably the best rebounder in the league,” then your stock will just sky-rocket.

You think I’m kidding when I say this, but I’m not. You can actually go up like 2 whole points just by becoming “the cool girl who knows what she’s talking about.” And yes, I mean if you are initially a 6 you can become an 8. No joke. And don’t get carried away and think you can follow more than one team and add all these points up. If you’re a 4, you’re not going up to a 10 just because you become an expert on the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics. Doesn’t work like that. Plus, you don’t want to over-do it. That's not attractive either.

So there it is. Pretty straight-forward in my opinion. Now hit the books!

A "Growing" Concern

Ok this shit is getting ridiculous. I’m starting to become legitimately worried that I have Paul Pierce-syndrome, meaning I can only grow facial hair 2/3 of the way down my cheek. Seriously, I haven’t made any progress in like 4 years. My dad’s got the thick mustache going, so I figured I was golden. But apparently not. Sure, it grows back pretty quickly and everything, but I just can’t close the gap between my chin and my cheeks. It’s frustrating as hell. I honestly want nothing more in life than to be able to grow a nice manly beard and not have to worry about shaving every 3 days.

But if you thought I was going to just take this laying down, then you are wrong my friend. Not on my watch. That’s not how the Salvuchasaurus does things. So yesterday, I decided it was time for a change. I figured maybe it was my electric Remington that was stunting my growth. So after class, I took the bus to CVS and bought myself my first disposable razor and some Gillette Shave Gel. And I’m proud to say that I only have three cuts on my face right now. And hot damn! What a close shave it is! I’m convinced that this is going to work. I’ll keep you updated. Or maybe you can just judge for yourself.

Here We Go Again

Decisions, decisions. We make them all the time, and many of them are pretty easy. Should Tom fly home for the Notre Dame game next week? Of course. Should Jon clean up that mess on his wall? Definitely. Am I considering hiring Teo as the official promoter of Albermarle All-Stars? You betcha. But then there are other decisions in life that aren’t so simple, such as should Carmelo and CP3 go to the Knicks or the Nets.

Here's my advice: GO TO THE NETS! Amare sucks and has two bum knees and only one eye. And he complains all the time. He's just not a gamer. I've had a broken thumb for like 6 months now, surprise! But you didn't know that because I never let people know when I get hurt. Plus the Knicks are just incompetent. Brook Lopez is the real deal, and honestly the Nets would be so well balanced I actually think they might be better than Miami.

I really think Carmelo gets traded before the season starts. Denver has basically said they’re willing to trade Melo after he recently rejected a 3-year, $65 million extension. The Nets would have to trade Derrick Favors and probably Devin Harris for Carmelo, and then Paul would join after 2012 at the very latest.

Obviously the Knicks will fight hard for Anthony and Paul, and the fact that they have Amare locked up for 5 years is huge (at least to them). But with Denver shopping Carmelo right now, I don’t see a package that the Knicks could put together right now that would top other teams’ offers. Even the Trail Blazers are considering entering the Melo Sweepstakes, and we all know the abundance of young talent they have.

Either way, just another story to add to The Most Anticipated NBA Season of All Time.

Reader Doesn't Like One of My Posts

What's that Nick? You were a little..."disappointed" with my Flag Football Preview? You were expecting bigger and better things? Listen pal, I'm running the show around here. I know how to write a blog, that's why I got ESPN breathing down my neck like every day trying to sign me. Just because you have dedicated your life to trying to look like Tim Lincecum, it doesn't make you a fucking expert on everything.

I swear, I'm about to kick you off of your own team. Don't think for a second that I can't cover two wide receivers at once, because I can. Have fun watching the Giants get spanked tonight.